A Tale of Two Couples & One Sex Problem: How Some Marriages Be Saved and Others Cannot
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"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Meet Larry and Linda. And Paula and Peter.
Two married couples in their 40s.
They live almost identical lives: two young kids each, two thriving careers, a 3,500 square foot home in leafy suburbia — and one big (and completely solvable) sex problem.
Differences in libido — a.k.a. “mismatched sex drives” or “desire discrepancy,” which happens to be the most common sex problem according to research. Up to 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex more than the other (Day, Muise, Joel, & Impett, 2015).
It first played out the same way for these two couples.
Larry and Linda: Linda used to be quite frisky in the bedroom when they met, climbing on top of Larry and initiating as she wanted to. Their libido seemed on par and a perfect match to their aligned passion for their shared future: raising kids, while furthering their careers. Four years later, after the birth of their first child, her sexual desire disappeared. Five years into their marriage, they had a near-sexless marriage. They could count the number of times they had sex in a year on one hand, and each time felt like an obligation — for Linda, at least.
Paula and Peter: Their story is no different. Peter and Paula loved long weekend get-aways at the beginning of their relationship that lent themselves to lingering under the sheets for hours, if not days. They were compatible in their libidos, as well as in the passion with which they approached sex. With both initiating and responding, sex felt easy and fun. When the first baby arrived, they passionately dove into the joys and responsibilities of parenting. Without noticing, a year went by with little sexual interaction, mostly Paula obliging to Peter’s requests. Then another two years, then three. By year five, they had a near-sexless marriage, save for the couple of times they managed to have sex on vacation.
Fast forward another five years … and this is where their stories diverge.
Larry and Linda are on the brink of divorce. The completely solvable sex problem has unnecessarily pushed them apart — taking them down to Stage 4 of the vicious downward spiral of relationship-destroying behaviors and turning them into mean and bitter versions of themselves.
Paula and Peter, however, are deeper in love, and sex keeps getting better and more fulfilling for both of them.
Differences in Libido
The same sex problem tore one couple apart and brought the other closer together. The same sex problem — with one big difference.
Let’s take a closer look at how these two couples approached falling into a near-sexless marriage due to the woman’s loss of sexual desire.
Larry and Linda
Larry was patient for the first couple years, especially with the birth of their second child, but the patience started to wear thin. He missed his wife, partner and love of his life and wanted to deepen their “couple bubble” through time together, including sex. As feelings of rejection and dejection turned into resentment and anger, Larry pulled away and distanced himself emotionally as a partner and father. It was the only way he knew how to deal with these tough emotions.
Desperately wanting to ignite Linda’s desire for sex, he tried spicing things up in the bedroom with things that he read online, proposing new toys and new positions as they’d climb into bed exhausted. He even suggested once that they go to a sex club to try something new and exciting. He was constantly focused on foreplay and getting her going.
His efforts were backfiring.
Linda found her body completely shut down sexually, first from the drastic postpartum changes, then from being over-touched, then from simply being exhausted by years of being on for her children. And for Larry too — she wanted to make sure that he is happy, so she settled for “obligatory sex” once in a while. Her body just wanted to rest, but she worked hard to get herself in the mood just enough for Larry to get it over with.
She was compromising in the name of the relationship — to avoid him being angry and getting into yet another fight, to preserve the relationship — which is all she knew how to do.
When Larry started suggesting things to spice sex up, Linda boiled over in anger. Sex felt like a chore already — and she had more than enough of them. Not only that, why would she want to do more for Larry? It was hard not to notice that he was more distant than ever around the house, aloof even. She was working hard enough.
‘All you want from me is sex,’ Linda would respond, always followed by an eye roll.
Over the years, the tension grew. And it wasn’t only about sex.
Conversations about chores predictably devolved into hashing out built-up resentment — for Larry, over the lack of sex, and for Linda, over how hard she was working already to have sex with him and it was never enough.
Conversations about having more sex — the ‘It’s been a month’ reminder from Larry, which felt like a nag — invariably turned into rants about resentments over feeling unappreciated and unsupported in the house.
Larry withdrew more, and Linda became more pronounced in her complaints and criticisms. They fought all the time, over the little things, without truly resolving or healing any of the arguments. Eye rolls and sarcastic comments peppered their daily communication. They were moving further and further down the spiral as resentment turned into anger, then contempt.
What started out as a common sex problem amongst a loving and passionate couple, turned into a relationship killer. As most couples caught in this spiral, Larry and Linda didn’t know how to navigate the frustration and the lack of knowledge when it comes to cultivating women’s sexual desire in a long-term relationship — nor did they intervene on time, before it destroyed their marriage.
They were done.
Peter and Paula
After five years of nearly no activity in the bedroom, Peter was missing sex with his wife. He missed her body against his, and the way her eyes twinkled when she looked at him from being on top. He missed how they felt like a team afterwards — a feeling that made him more open and emotionally available at home, and more confident running his business.
Instead, he was feeling deflated and even resentful at times. He pulled away, burying himself into his business, and becoming less available at home.
He read commonplace advice that “things get stale in the bedroom overtime” and tried initiating and proposing new things to spark things up, to no avail. He could tell that Paula was not interested.
Paula was worn out from childbirth and the constant state of being on while raising young kids. Her body didn’t crave sex the way it used to. Actually, she didn’t crave sex at all. She would repeat to her friends and therapist that if Peter had never initiated, she’d be ok never having sex again.
And that scared her.
She tried to get herself in the mood, following the myriad of online advice, but “obligatory sex” felt forced. She was overriding what her body wanted, which was to rest and recover.
Resentment was sneaking up on her too, and showing up as sharp remarks to Peter’s requests to complaints about his participation in household chores. They were arguing more and the distance felt palpable.
As this pattern became more and more pronounced, Paula sat Peter down to talk.
“My love, I want to share with you something vulnerable,” Paula started. “I am so happy with our lives. So full of joy watching our kids growing into their individual personalities. Your business has taken off so rapidly. And I am so glad to be going back to work. There is one thing that is worrying me … can I share this with you?”
Peter moved closer to Paula and took her hand.
“Of course, you can tell me anything. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together.”
“You know how after the first childbirth, I had trouble wanting sex. And now, a few years later, it’s completely off my radar. It scares me so much. I am afraid something happened within me. I feel broken because my desire for sex is nothing like it used to be. It really scares me that if you don’t initiate, I don’t even think about it. That doesn’t seem right. I force myself to have sex with for you, but I know that is not how I want to show up with you either. I don’t know what to do. And I see this affecting how I am with you. I don’t like how sharp I’ve gotten in my remarks with you. I don’t like myself when I do it either. I am sorry for that. You’re important to me, and I don’t want to do this to you or to us. And I see how affected you get. It hurts you. You get angry and withdraw, and I imagine how painful it is for you. This is not right. I want to figure this out with you.”
Peter leaned in even more and held Paula tightly in his arms.
“I know what you mean. It scares me too. I have not wanted to push for sex, because I saw that you were not wanting it. At the same time, I get so frustrated and mad and angry, and sometimes lash out too. It’s not ok. I truly miss you and want to find a way to rebuild our sexual passion. I don’t know how to do this either, and what I’ve tried by proposing new things doesn’t seem to work. Sex is important to me, and these last few years have been very hard on me … I feel rejected and disconnected, which effects me and you. I don’t like pulling away from you or being angry at you. We will figure this out together. You’re important to me, and I am not going to let this push us apart.”
Peter and Paula lingered in the embrace, assuring each other of the importance of their relationship and of finding answers together.
Something deeply shifted between them.
The turning pointed rested in both of them daring to be intimate — instead of attacking or avoiding — and vowing to figure this out together. The rest was a success story.
The solution to every sex problem is daring intimacy.
Whatever their continent, age or race, each and every couple in the world faces a sex problem at some point in their lives. What could have gone differently?
In and of itself, differences in desire is not a relationship killer. When you bring together two people, with different backgrounds, ways of living, preferences, stages of development, and personality, you’re bound to experience moments when one person wants something more than the other. Most couples them constantly as they move through life stages — differences in libido, changes in desire due to childbirth, aging or illness, the ravages of stress on sexual performance, boredom, lack of connection and passion, inability to orgasm, get wet or get hard … the list goes on and on.
How you deal with the disappointment, frustration and finding the solution in the situation, however, will make or break the relationship.
When a marriage becomes sexless (or nearly sexless) without the mutual agreement or understanding of both partners, it oftentimes leads to significant emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy, and/or alienation, eroding the foundational trust, emotional and physical bond that the marriage is built upon.
That in itself creates a deep sense of unsafety.
You might express it as:
Walking on eggshells
Caught between a rock and a hard place
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
In response to lack of safety, different people will choose different paths to react. Some choose to engage in obligatory relating, mistaking it for an expression of their love and commitment, only to find themselves destroying it in the process. Some will act out on their frustration and resentment via either criticism and/or blame, or avoiding each other — taking trust and respect down with them. Some will split up; others will live together for decades in a state of numb resignation, sleeping alone, together next to their partner. Others, will resort to fighting and power struggles, killing the relationship as it devolves into a relationship-killing spiral.
Either way, not doing the work to make it happen kills the love. It reminds me of a quote from a 1990 film Reversal of Fortune:
“It’s easier to love someone than to live with them.
Love is fantasy.
Living is work.
If you don’t do the work, the love dies.”
Without the resolve to re-establish safety and approach it together as a couple, no revolution can happen.
What made the biggest difference for Peter and Paula was that even though they had gone up to Stage 2 of the intimacy-destroying spiral, they pulled through as a team to stop the damage in time. When they chose to stop battling each other and instead made their patterns the enemy, they broke through to safety. Together, nothing was insurmountable.
The sex problem that was tearing them apart brought them closer together because of how they aprpoached it — through vulnerability and intimacy. When they each opened up to what was happening without blame or criticism, it was finally safe to approach it and solve it together.
Over the years, Peter and Paula earned the badge of what I call “intimacy warriors,” seeking out support for their sex and intimacy and fighting for their love and relationship. They learned how to rebuild sexual desire for Paula and bridge the “desire discrepancy” gap through my Connection Sex framework. When they were able to be vulnerable with each other, they got past the hurt feelings to clear out misunderstandings about what each of them needed and wanted from each other and began to see each other’s hearts. They banded together to solve the inequalities in household load and child care, clearing resentment and freeing up Paula’s energy and time to be able to be sexual. They learned about female sexual desire and how to create intimate connection without forcing foreplay or going on date nights but instead genuinely connect with each other. And they learned about female arousal and how it started way before they entered the bedroom. Peter learned how to be more present at home and in their lovemaking, kindling the kind of emotional connection that Paula was craving but didn’t know how to ask for. Overtime, they realized they were not broken but that they didn’t know that sex could look so intimate, connected and hot in a long-term relationship.
They are one of hundreds of couples I’ve successfully helped over the last decade to rescue and revive their relationships.
What I’ve seen as the #1 part of the solution to any sexual challenge in a relationship is the choice to go the intimacy route. Because intimacy heals relationships and opens hearts.
By daring intimacy, you choose to face your partner vulnerably, with an open heart, even if something feels so scary and overwhelming.
By daring intimacy, you become “intimacy warriors” who choose to fight for their relationship — instead of against each other.
By daring intimacy, you make the “sex problem” your enemy and choose to face it together.
