7 Habits of Healthy Couples Who Have Great Sex

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7 habits of healthy couples who have great sex

It’s intuitive, but worth repeating …

Great sex doesn’t just happen.
Great communication leads to great sex.

And it’s a whole different ballgame if you want extraordinary sex.

According to John Gottman, PhD, the foremost research scientist of relationships and head of the Love Lab at University of Washington in Seattle: of the couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another, only 9% say that they’re satisfied sexually.

In other words, if you do not talk about sex, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t have a good sex life. And it’s a whole different ballgame if you want extraordinary sex.

And talking about sex is every important if you’re in a long-term relationship. Because sex changes over time. First sexual passion and desire are driven by the hormones and the lust of the initial connection (aka “the spark”). In the long-term, sexual passion is developed and cultivated through these “lover” practices that I call Connection Sex.

Here are 7 habits of healthy long-term couples who have great sex.

And it’s the habits that allows these couples to avoid the “death of sex” that naturally occurs in a long-term relationship and continue to grow together — and make sex better and better over time.

 

1. They talk about sex outside the bedroom.

Having regular what I call “discovery conversations” about sex outside of the moment creates a safe environment when both partners are relaxed and connected — and not aroused. While exciting, when we’re aroused sexually, we are not at our most available to listen or respond to questions from our partners, because the thinking brain (thankfully) shuts off in favor of letting go, relaxing and enjoying itself. If you’re trying to address difficult questions, there is unnecessary pressure to know the answer in the moment. Couples who set aside relaxed face-to-face “discovery” time to share and listen about each other’s needs and desires a couple of times a month learn about each other's motivations and needs, in the process increasing intimacy and trust. And more often than not, these conversations are very arousing and guaranteed to lead to sex afterwards!


2. They focus on what is working and what can be better, rather than complain about what’s not.

Simply put, criticism is disempowering and deflating. It’s also one of four biggest destroyers of relationships, aka one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, according to world-renown relationship researcher John Gottman. It makes people feel worse about themselves and the situation, get defensive — and become reluctant to want to do more to please each other. And it does not serve you either, as you don’t get what you need.

Healthy couples start conversations with what they’re enjoying already and what it provides for them to create an atmosphere of openness and curiosity. They reframe criticism into what they want more of, which empowers their partners with important information of why these things matter and how to provide what they want and need.

3. They communicate during sex about what would make it better in that moment.

When preceded by “discovery conversations” to learn about each other outside the bedroom, communication during sex allows couples to fine-tune pleasure in the moment. When they are as specific as possible in their communication, they let their partner know exactly how to provide what they want — and that adds to the excitement and pleasure. These include

  • Adjustments: “Could you go slower? Could you move a bit to the left?”

  • Offers: “Would you like it if I went slower or stay as is?”

Without external “discovery conversations,” these can come off as instructions. Paired with discovering what and why things matter to each person, these are just adjustments and offers that fine-tune the process.

4. They set aside time daily to be lovers — without pressure of sex.

Sexual connection is the language of lovers, and it gets lost when couples get wrapped up in the demands of life. Couples who successfully make love and sex work in long-term relationships deliberately set aside time each day to be lovers — which means having their attention on each other. That doesn't mean they have to have sex.

In fact, removing the pressure to have it is key — it allows relaxed and spontaneous communication and desire for sex to flourish. This is especially important for women who need to feel that they’re not under the clock to ’get in the mood’ to match their partner’s spontaneous libido. When relaxed, women can get into their bodies, open up at their pace, and communicate (even initiate!) what they want and desire in that moment.

5. They use regular physical exploration time as a way to learn about what they like and don’t like and how to communication about it.

Couples who set aside regular time specifically to be sexual with each other without the pressure of having sex (or getting aroused) learn about how their bodies work and how to communicate what they want. They create a “sandbox” space learn to touch each other in different ways and explore what feels good without the pressure to get to a result or get things right. It helps them build a vocabulary to describe what they want and are feeling — which helps them break out of the cycles of fights, disconnection, and resentments around sex that build over time. Couples who do a “physical discovery” session weekly see their sex life feel richer and more spontaneous during the week.

6. They talk about feelings and disappointments as much as what they like physically to create emotional openness and safety.

Sex is an intimate act, so invariably, feelings will be involved. When things don’t go as planned or there is disappointment, couples take it personally, often doubting themselves, their sexual enoughness, and their ability to make each other happy. They put up walls to protect themselves, which only causes more miscommunication and heartache — making it less safe to open up sexually.

Couples who deliberately set aside time each day to connect as lovers are able to name their disappointments and share their fears as close to the “trigger event” — which means that they are also better able to get to solutions that work.

7. They talk about what makes them feel desired daily — and deliver on it.

So much of passion and excitement in sexual intimacy comes from feeling desired by your partner. When we feel wanted, we feel important, sexy and turned on — and are open for more. Sexual desire in a long-term relationship no longer comes from hormones of sexual attraction and newness that had kept us all up at night in the beginning; sexual desire needs to be cultivated in the long-run. Couples who get curious with each other about what makes them feel desired get to learn exactly what jump-starts their partner and why, which then empowers them to make it happen for each other — adding kindling to the fire. These small moments of feeling desired can add up to a whole lot of sparks by the end of the day.

 

Learn how these “Intimacy Warrior” couples learned how to have a healthy sex life and take sexual intimacy to a deeper level in their long-term relationship.

 

On the brink of divorce after 25 years together, Shannon and Bill fought to save their near-sexless marriage. Their experience led them to discover levels of emotional and sexual intimacy that they did not know existed.

Al & Blair, a couple in their 30s, were in a gridlocked place of defensiveness and power struggles that made sexual intimacy impossible. As they found their way to each other and to deeper intimacy, they discovered more freedom and fun.

 

After their child’s birth, Alan and Grace fell into a sexless marriage that threatened their relationship and love. After losing a year trying to fix this with couples therapy, they fought to find the support that would turn things around.

After 25 years of deep love and connection, Shannon & Greg feared that “differences in libido” would end their marriage. Learn how they broke through damaging patterns to sexy intimacy and even more love.

Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: