Skip Date Night! Build Sexual Passion with These Daily Practices
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“I never feel that you’re here with me. You’re constantly just staring at your phone!” Melanie said to her husband.
They’d been married for 12 years and so much had changed ever since they had the first baby.
“Like really? What do you want me to do? I can't even talk to you for 2 minutes straight because you’re too busy.” James, her husband said to her. I could tell he was feeling threatened and criticized.
But that was it for Melanie (names and details changed for privacy).
She had had enough of his rants. Tears started to run down her cheeks.
The fun and easygoing man she married 12 years ago didn't seem to be there anymore. And she was a shell of herself too, exhausted and irritated.
Melanie was busy and tired from taking care of the kids and their household, on top of her demanding job as a nurse.
James was busy and tired from working long hours in his high-stress role as a director.
They came to me because their sex life was in shambles. Classically, she had lost her libido soon after her first child was born. He was patient and kind, but the lack of sexual intimacy was wearing him thin too.
This was not the picture of the dream relationship that they had wished for (or worked hard for by attending years of couples therapy that seemed to not make any difference for their sex life).
This scenario came up as we tried to untangle what’s actually going on.
Tangled up in practicalities of jobs and children, they were all parents, caretakers and professionals all the time. There was no more Melanie or James, as people, as a couple, as lovers.
They were stressed and on edge, fighting over the small things, heading into Stage 3 of the spiral of intimacy-destructive behaviors.
The closest they came to interacting together each day was sitting down with their kids at dinner and talking about the kids’ day.
They were trying though. At the suggestion of their couples therapist, who followed standard one-size-fits-all advice, they carved out time for a date night every two Saturday nights. The kids were with their grandparents, and they had the whole night and morning free to rekindle the sexual passion, so to speak.
But when it came to sex, the scars from mid-week arguments and lack of connection showed up.
Date nights ended up in obligatory sex to get it over with or fights over sex that ended up ruining the weekend.
Clearly, it was not the kind of date night that got them excited for more.
Who could blame them?
Can you imagine feeling like strangers, so disconnected with each other all week, even treating each other like rivals, then expect to turn on a dime into lovers and have sex on the weekend?
Melanie and James are the perfect example of a long-term couple who had turned into roommates over the years.
It’s frustrating and painful, and oh-so-very common. Most couples struggle to maintain a healthy and robust sex life in their marriage, even if they end up having sex here and there (typically on vacation).
One of the ways that sex changes in a long-term relationship is that romantic behavior in couples is no longer driven by the sex hormones . Those hormones motivated both men and women to make the effort to connect at the beginning — to text or make that call, to spend time listening to each other and asking curious questions, to reach out to touch, to take hours to explore each other’s bodies. Those hormones drive us to make each other feel important and desired — and we take steps to place each other in the center of each other’s worlds.
When those hormones wane, couples find their connection waning along with them. There is no more time to really connect or explore every nook and cranny of each other’s bodies, no more time to just be with each other. They stop making the effort.
That’s why couples need to adjust their approach — or lose that romantic connection forever. They have to make a conscious effort to connect with each other in all those ways they did when they fell in love — to text or make that call, to spend time listening to each other and asking curious questions, to take hours to explore each other’s bodies. Those hormones drive us to make each other feel important and desired — and we take steps to place each other in the center of each other’s worlds.
They have to reconnect as lovers — and that cannot only take place on an occasional date night.
Date night cannot be the answer for being disconnected and feeling alone all week long.
It cannot be the answer to having their lives filled with practical conversations and cold updates that distance each other. Shuttling kids to activities and having no time to themselves or each other. Or treating each other when dealing with household chores.
And date night once a week is not an answer to having little to no connection to each other as people, as lovers with their own needs, dreams, desires and fears.
Sex in a long-term relationships requires your time and attention. And it has to be something you are willing to invest in and take action on every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
“So where do we begin?” Melanie asked me during our consultation.
The keys for a connected relationship during the week are simple, but that doesn’t mean they are easy.
You need to make time for them and you need to be consistent.
Most couples find it hard to consistently make time for each other — when most of what they do is firefighting urgent matters at work, kids and the household.
But there is hope!
It takes a small bit every day to actively rebuild the emotional connection. EVERY. single. day. Even if it means blocking your schedule or setting an alarm on your phone.
A little at a time every day will make a big difference. Otherwise, the change in your relationship that you’re looking for won’t happen.
Again, you cannot rely on a weekly date night to compensate for the lack of connection all week long.
So, instead of waiting for the weekend to spend time with your partner, take time to be with each other in meaningful ways during the week.
You can start today.
It takes a little as 15 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time to be with each other can make all the difference. As long as it's quality time.
The goal isn't to accomplish anything, but just to spend the time together — just the two of you. Not as parents or life partners or household caretakers.
But to take time to see each other as individual people — people with their own needs, dreams, desires and fears — and connect as lovers.
The more you make time for each other, the easier it will be for you to stay connected over the week and you won’t have a hard time taking it to the next level — intimacy and sex.
You will feel the closeness and the bond again.
You will even notice that you’ll have fewer arguments with your partner over time.
And the more you feel like you’re supporting each other, other than for practical reasons, the easier it will be to establish sexual connection any day of the week … even spontaneously.
And for women, connecting with her partner as lovers, without pressure and with curiosity and openness is — without a doubt — the key ingredient for her sexual desire in the long-term.
These simple things can create a stronger emotional bond and reignite your love for each other. And it could restart your habit of spending daily physical moments together and building sexual energy over the week.
Couples who feel together during the week receive the nourishment they need to cope with life's challenges.
Here are some simple ideas for consistently making connected time for each other daily:
1. Set aside 15 minutes a day, every day, to just be with each other.
When was the last time you looked into each other’s eyes, held hands or cuddled where you had random talks about your day?
Start doing it again. Rather than venting or discussing work projects, bring up something you are excited about, a fear you have, or ideas about the future. It feels so good to know that you have someone you can talk to about what’s going on in your heart — and it’s your partner.
The goal is to reopen the window to your soul and let your partner know the deepest desires of your heart again. Let them see what your world looks like (even if you’re dealing with the practicalities of life). Invite them to do the same.
Sit close together. Hold hands. Listen closely. And rediscover the magic of feeling at the center of your partner’s universe. Just like when you were dating …
2. Send each other texts throughout the day (even if you’re working in the next room from each other). Couples grow closer by the simple act of showing you are thinking of each other. It can be simple as:
I love you.
I miss your touch.
I can’t wait to kiss you again.
I’m thinking about you and your project; I hope it goes well.
I can still feel your kiss on my lips, and I can't wait to get home.
Hearing these simple phrases can make you and your partner feel adored, desired, and loved — and want to reach out for each other. It’s amazing how two simple words can make you smile, right?
3. Get in the habit every morning of asking your partner what would make them feel valued, appreciated, or desired — and do that something for them. When life gets busy, one simple question can have a huge impact on how close and connected you feel as lovers and partners for a lifetime.
4. Spend naked time together. Nakedness itself is an intimate act, especially where you’re not trying to have sex while doing it. Don’t do it as foreplay either.
Do it because it feels good (and it builds desire for more). Because you love the feel of your partners body and skin next to you.
Even if you sleep clothed, spend some time laying next to each other naked before turning in for the night. Feel each other’s bodies next to each other. It could be belly to belly or spooning. Making it a daily ritual and you’ll find having sex easier anytime of the day.
5. Dream your time away. It could be going on long wandering walks. Or sitting on the porch at night, sipping your favorite beverage . Use this time to dream together and let go of boredom and stress.
"Let's imagine we could go anywhere in the world with all the money we need. Where would you go?"
“If you could turn back time, would you still choose me as your partner?”
"If you could choose any work in the world, what would you do?"
"If you could go back in time and relive a period of your relationship that you loved, what period would you choose?"
Talking about dreams and desires can help divert attention from the hectic pace of life and provide much-needed relaxation and intimacy.
Other easy ideas to do during the week:
Share a 6-second passionate kiss on the lips when you reunite after a long day
Fall asleep in each other’s arms
Share gratitudes about your day before going to sleep
Shower together: wash each other’s hair and soap each other up
Play your favorite song and dance to it, impromptu, while making dinner
Now, doesn’t that start to sound like a dream of a romantic relationship?
That’s what Melanie and James started to experience too. They had not realized how distanced they had become — and how much they had actually missed each other.
Hard to believe since they have been sleeping next to each other for the last 10 years.
The moment they had started to actually make an effort to see each other using these daily practices consistently every day, they felt closer. The fights lessened and there was more grace to go around for everyone.
And those date nights became truly dates — spending time together, laughing, sharing, kissing and making out — and opening their hearts to each other. Not surprisingly, sex followed. Passionate sex. Connected Sex.
And Melanie’s low libido problem? Well, her libido was actually never low. It was dormant. She was missing the essential nutrients she needed to feel sexual with her husband — which in her case was feeling like she had a lover, not just a co-parent, for a partner. When James saw her as a woman she is, her desire started to resurface. And when they took time to be with each other emotionally, sensually and playfully, she started to feel sexy initiating physical connection too.
Melanie and James’s situation is not atypical; they are the norm. Staying passionate and maintaining sexual desire in a long-term relationship past the initial honeymoon phase takes effort and commitment. Without knowing that and without support, couples get too far down into gridlock before sounding the alarm.
But when couples break past the gridlock and into regular connection, magic can happen. It’s simple to do, but getting there is super hard. It took Melanie and James a year in couples coaching with me to find their way back to each other sexually — but it was worth it. They write to me every few months about their connection only gets better and better. They’re truly living Connection Sex.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support for your situation.