1. THE SEX FIGHT

It seems innocent at first: you’ve been together for a while and sex becomes less frequent — and now one person wants it more than the other. Confusion sets in as to why that changed since it was so easy in the beginning. You begin to question yourselves (“Am I broken?”). You begin to question your love and compatibility (“Maybe we’re not attracted to each other any more?”). The higher-desire partner wants their lower-desire partner to initiate more and want sex with them, so they proceed to engage in courtroom-worthy arguments to convince their partner of all the ways it’s good for them. The lower-desire partner capitulates with “obligatory sex” out of guilt or pressure — and it might works once or twice — then you’re both back to square one. The more you talk about the sex problem, the more the distance grows and the less you are able to solve the problem. You have a regular “It’s been a while” sex fight that turns into a repeating negative pattern that is as predictable as it is hurtful, and it only gets worse with each round.

2. RESENTMENT

This negative pattern does not come without cost. Neither partner feels heard or understood for their perspective and pain — and it’s made worse by the fact that the other partner is not even trying to understand them. Resentment sets in — and it begins to seep outside the bedroom. However kind of a person you are, however caring you are to each other, resentment starts to show in the sharp ways you respond, in the sarcastic jokes you make, or in the increased nagging to get things done around the house. You’re less generous and willing to show up for each other. The relationship starts to feel hard.

3. COMPLAINING / WITHDRAWING

When resentment sets in, you adjust your communication. One person gets sharp and increases the complaining to feel heard and understood; they want things to change and will try anything. The other withdraws to avoid the wrath and blame. Neither of you feels heard or understood — and things are just so much harder to do because you’re both less generous and willing to show up for each other. At some point, these micro-aggressions add up, and you both snap more and more, which is painful and scary. 

4. ARGUING OVER THE LITTLE STUFF

Those sharp remarks keep you both on edge and small things flare up into big arguments in seconds. You get critical of each other. You might dig up past hurts to drive your point home in hopes that maybe, hopefully, finally your partner hears you and sees your hurt. Conversations about chores devolve into resentment over the lack of sex; conversations about sex invariably devolve into resentments about chores and feeling unappreciated. It gets too much and you just want to avoid it all.

5. WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

It’s hard to be loving and generous when you’re walking on eggshells, wondering every time if your efforts will be met with approval or criticism. You notice yourselves trying to manage each other, either to avoid fights or not send any wrong signals. Instead of growing closer, you protect yourselves from each other. If you do manage to have sex, it often plays out like a rigid script of “do this, don’t do that” to make it work, which breeds even more resentment. You can feel the tension in the air.

6. DISTANCING

With so many small fights and walking on eggshells, it gets harder and harder to feel close, especially since you’ve not healed from any of the past hurts. You find yourselves taking a distance or avoiding each other. It has not felt safe for a while to open up vulnerably with each other about your needs, so you dare not tell each other what’s really going on inside — which breeds even more resentment. You feel more and more alone. Sex becomes even less frequent and fraught with new challenges, which adds to the spiraling.

7. FOCUSING ON DISTRACTIONS TO GET RELIEF

This tension in your relationship is forcing you to seek relief elsewhere. You immerse yourself in your work, micromanage your children’s lives, start on a new renovation project, or escape through your phone or porn. The intensity with which you launch yourself into these outside activities corresponds to the intensity of the pain inside and the real problem: that you have no way to stop the resentment and its corrosive effect on the relationship and get out of this negative cycle.

8. HIDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES FROM OTHERS

It feels shameful to admit that your relationship is not as perfect as it looks from the outside, so you hide your challenges from your friends and family. You put on that happy smile at parties, blurt out that “EVERYTHING is great!” and focus on your external achievements, while deep down you know that the tension at home is tearing you apart. You feel even more alone and like a fraud.

9. FEAR AND CATASTROPHIZING

What others don’t know is that you’re constantly worrying about sex and your relationship. All that tension you’re carrying on the inside — mixed with fear — is sucking the energy out of you every single day. When you wake up in the morning to when you close your eyes to sleep, you’re wondering: “Is this the end of the relationship? Should we even be together?” These thoughts scare the hell out of you. You keep wondering if one of you will leave and if you can handle it. The needle isn’t moving on getting better, so you assume the worst. You start to lose trust in each other, becoming suspicious of your partner’s desire for you (and their activities) and your own desirability.

10. CONTEMPT

You have been burying things so long that you simply stop caring. The respect is gone and contempt takes over. One partner blames and makes the other feel “less than,” “broken” or responsible for the problem. You become critical of each other’s actions, regard each other’s thoughts, feelings and actions as not legitimate, and dismiss concerns as invalid. You might mock each other with sarcasm and condescension, name-calling, and body language such as eye-rolling, sneering, and mimicking.

Results

Every sex problem is an intimacy problem in disguise.

At the beginning, differences in libido appear small and innocent, but the longer they are unattended, they become much harder to work on and fix — costlier, more energy consuming, and less solvable. The longer a sex problem is allowed to linger, the more it devolves into intimacy-blocking behavioral patterns that take on a life of their own and threaten to destroy the relationship.

If you find yourselves caught in this downward spiral, you need to stop the deterioration and rebuild emotional safety that will have you come closer to each other. Then and only then can you begin to open to each other sexually again.

Localized damage

The damage from the unsolved sex problem is noticeable in everyday life, but it doesn’t feel alarming yet. You might be talking about the problem and trying to find solutions via online articles, books and free YouTube videos, but you also notice that not much is changing as a result. The relationship feels harder and harder each day, but you’re hopeful.

ACTION STEPS: If you started the slippery slope of Stage 1, don’t wait long to seek support for the sex problem at the root of it. If one or both of you are already feeling the sting of resentment, it’s only a matter of time that it progress to the next stage and begin to destroy the deep safety and trust you have with each other.

It might appear that your differences are hard to reconcile. That’s often the case with people who come to me for coaching and when we start the work, they don’t realize their own blind spots that kept them stuck. Get sex & intimacy support to break out of your negative patterns and get set yourselves up on the course of realizing the kind of sex life that will satisfy both of you and create an upward spiral of nourishment and fulfillment that serves both partners.

Sex problem spreads to your relationship

The stress of the sex problem starts to affect the relationship, especially how close and safe you feel with each other. You never heal from the fights and the distance feels palpable. Sometimes you feel less like partners, and more like enemies, fighting to be heard and understood. It hurts to see your beloved distance themselves from you.

ACTION STEPS: If you’ve already advanced to Stage 2, your sex problem is no longer about sex. No amount of sex books, new toys, kinky positions, and even date nights will help you stop neither the pernicious cycles of not feeling heard or understood nor the caustic resentment that’s growing. The issue is now the breakdown in intimacy and closeness. Restoring the safety and closeness must happen before you can talk about sex again. You need professional support of a sex and intimacy expert to repair the hurts first so that you can fix the sex problem together.

Sex problem affects the relationship “immune system”

The lack of solutions to your sex problem — and the growing relationship problem — seem insurmountable. At best, you’re living parallel lives, lacking intimacy and connection. At worst, you are exhausted trying and you lose hope that you can fix it. The “immune system” of the relationship is no longer able to fight against the challenges and the recovery mechanism is giving out. You’re in danger of settling for the inevitable — a divorce or a sexless marriage.

ACTION STEPS: If you’ve reached the dangerous terrain of Stage 3, hope is not lost — but you must act now! You need an infusion of hope and communication tools to get you to start connecting again and believing that recovery is possible. You must face this together as a couple as the sex problem is no longer just that — it’s a relationship problem and a major one that requires both of your desires to shift it and a commitment to make it happen. And you cannot do this by yourselves, as you will repeat the same mistakes that got you here in the first place. With the help of a sex & intimacy expert who knows exactly what steps to take right away to create the biggest impact, you can rebuild the closeness and safety of intimacy to reconnect sexually in a way that grows and gets better over time.

• Read how Shannon and Greg, a couple in their 50s and married for 25+ years who were on the brink of considering separation because one partner felt rejected and unwanted by the lack of initiation from the other, recovered from hitting 9 out of 10 of these intimacy-destroying behaviors

• Learn what Sandra & Bill, a couple in 50s & 60s and married for 25 years, did to recover their love and relationship also after considering divorce because of sexual rejection
  

• Read the story of finding love and sex from Alan & Grace, who struggled to rebuild their sex life after the birth of their child and feared that they were incompatible
  

• Learn how Blair & Al, a committed couple in their mid 30s, learned to communicate vulnerably and find sexual passion after hitting 9 out of 10 of these intimacy-destroying behaviors and created a joy and fun filled relationship

Predictor of divorce

Studies by psychologist John Gottman found that contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. The sex problem has spread beyond the bedroom and affects the very fabric of your relationship — respect. You may have already experienced signs of contempt at other stages of the relationship, and once you hit this place, the wounding may be too great.

ACTION STEPS: If you’ve made it all the way to Stage 4, your relationship is bleeding out. You need the ICU. You have a chance of making a recovery if and only if both partners are fully on board in taking responsibility for the contempt and investing fully into healing and reestablishing the relationship. You need the most expert approach from someone who understands these stages and nuances of a relationship to recover your marriage now. It may take years until you find yourselves back trusting and opening up to each other, but it is possible.

On the brink of divorce after 25 years together, Shannon and Bill fought to save their near-sexless marriage. Their experience led them to discover levels of emotional and sexual intimacy that they did not know existed.

Al & Blair, a couple in their 30s, were in a gridlocked place of defensiveness and power struggles that made sexual intimacy impossible. As they found their way to each other and to deeper intimacy, they discovered more freedom and fun.

After their child’s birth, Alan and Grace fell into a sexless marriage that threatened their relationship and love. After losing a year trying to fix this with couples therapy, they fought to find the support that would turn things around.

After 25 years of deep love and connection, Shannon & Greg feared that “differences in libido” would end their marriage. Learn how they broke through damaging patterns to sexy intimacy and even more love.