Given that loss of sexual desire in a long-term relationship and sexless marriage are the top relationship problems for couples all around the world, I get this question often. That’s especially true of couples who watch my free video series How to Authentically Overcome the “I Don’t Want to Have Sex with My Husband” Problem.

Universally the first place where people go to when they experience a lack of sexual desire towards their partner is they wonder if the lack of attraction is what’s causing it.

What is sexual attraction? At its basic sense, it is the draw towards another person that contributes to the desire to seek out sexual satisfaction and engage in sexual intimacy. It’s a sense of being drawn to each other, like an invisible line pulling two people towards each other.

Conventionally, we’re conditioned to believe that this sexual attraction is either there or not. We are also conditioned to believe that it has to do solely with physicality — it’s about being attracted to the body.

There is some truth to this, although it always never has to do with objectively-attractive physical attributes. It has to do with the subtle ways that our bodies resonate with each other. The smell that draws you in. The twinkle in the eyes that turn you on. The way a person moves or laughs that send tingles go through your body. All of these powerfully attract us and draw us in towards each other.

There are many factors beyond the physical that contribute to sexual attraction, including psychological and social factors as well as energetic and spiritual. We are attracted to someone when they have an encompassing energy or way of being that resonates with our energy. It energizes us in a powerful way and compels us to move towards each other.

If you struggle with feeling attracted to your partner in a long-term relationship, it’s worth asking yourself first: was the attraction there to begin with?

Maybe you were not really attracted to your partner from the beginning and got married for other reasons, such as a common goal to create and raise a family. Maybe your partner was not your type physically, but it was good enough for other goals. Maybe they do not have the kind of personality or energy that you drew you in, but again, it was good enough. Maybe their body chemistry did not ignite you in terms of smell, touch or kissing, but again it was good enough. This scenarios is more common than we realize: we choose to overlook aspects that don’t fit our greater goals; then when we achieve those goals, such as creating a family, these aspects become more prominent and stand in the way of connecting sexually.

While the physical and energetic aspects are not all that makes up sexual attraction, as I describe below, these are necessary, foundational aspects that have to be there for that sense of being drawn to someone. In their absence, it would be hard, if not impossible, to have even a bare minimum of attraction without significantly changing your partner or continue to dismiss your own needs.

However, if you’ve “lost” the attraction you once had with your partner over the course of your marriage or long-term relationship, there is likely something else at play.

Long-term committed relationships are not the sum of dates over the span of decades; a marriage takes a life of its own, creating its own currents, dynamics and laws. Think of it as its own independent eco-system that has nothing to do with your independent lives when you were dating.

Basic chemistry that I described above is only the beginning when it comes attraction in a long-term relationship.

Sexual attraction in a marriage or a committed long-term relationship is deeply relational. It is cultivated in the space of the couple, in the give and take and the interaction between its two members. Every action that happens — and every action that does not — either creates more attraction or it takes away from it.

Caveat: What I am describing here is only important for wanting the kind of sex that goes beyond the physical. I am talking about I refer to as Connection Sex, where you feel connected and naked, open and free, and where you bring together two souls in the physical act of making love. For this kind of sex, physical attraction is simply a tiny starting point and rest is cultivated in the relational space between.

It is in the relational field that you develop deep attraction — to the person, not just their objective sexual appeal or chemistry. It is in the relating that beautiful sexual passion takes hold and grows.

It is also equally true that it is in the relational field where most couples end up losing themselves and each other for the lack of knowing how to navigate the typical and healthy aspects of any relationship such as disappointments and hurt feelings that chip away at the passion.

Relational dynamics impact both people, but they are especially impactful for women’s sexual desire, compared to men’s.

Almost 80% of women resonate with what is called responsive sexual desire, which means that their desire to have sex with their partner is responding to what their partner does and does not do with them. From emotional connection such as feeling understood and seen, to admiration and appreciation of each other, to feeling close, all of these emotional elements will change how drawn a woman is to her husband and the idea of engaging with him sexually.

The relational dynamics affects men too, but in a different way. The quality of relating might not reduce his sexual desire or attraction to his wife. However, it will impact his desire to be emotionally available with her, in the bedroom and also outside of it. He might be more withdrawn or distant, putting up a wall when it comes to deeper engagement. He might engage in sex for sex’s sake, but hold himself back from engaging himself fully and vulnerably in making love.

It is these relational dynamics that all too often masquerade as loss of attraction, distracting us from the real thing underneath.

To put it succinctly:

Feeling sexually attracted is easy. Biology makes it work.
Relating in a sexy way that builds that attraction over time takes work.
If you won’t work on the latter, the sexual attraction dies.

And with that, I will explore this question from a female reader: I am not attracted to my husband and struggling. Help!

5 Relational Dynamics that Contribute to Loss of Attraction in a Marriage or Long-term Relationship

While there are significant differences between each of these five items, all of them are closely related and tightly intertwined, with each one affecting all others. I focus specifically on this from the woman’s perspective, but this can resonate with any gender.

1. Loss of admiration and respect

For women in particular, admiration and respect for a man’s character is critical to attraction to them in a committed long-term relationship. How a man shows up and interacts with the world impacts how we are drawn to them. We literally see and relate to people differently when we appreciate and admire them.

This is responsible for a deeper kind of attraction that goes beyond feeling horny. As the fondness for each other grows, so does the desire to be close through physical means.

This can often be seen in arranged marriages, where couples that meet as strangers actually grow to be attracted to each other when they discover a kind of fondness based on how they show up and care for each other. It does not happen automatically or often, but when it does happen, it’s common to witness the bond creating sexual attraction.

On the flip side, over the course of a marriage or a long-term relationship, our admiration and respect of each other constantly gets challenged by conflict, differences of opinion and loss of trust.

You might lose respect for your husband for how he treats others. Maybe you see him being disrespectful to co-workers or the waitress at the restaurant, or neglecting his parents.

You might lose respect for how he treat himself. You might lose respect because you see your husband neglecting his health through excessive drinking, eating or smoking.

Maybe you lose admiration because he is constantly being mean to the children, ignoring his responsibilities at work, or gambling away your savings.

You can also experience loss of respect for how he treats you — more on that in a bit.

If you experience loss of admiration and respect for your husband, you might benefit from understanding where it’s coming from and addressing it together. However, beware of mistaking what things look like and what is actually going on — a blindspot for most people. We see others through our own eyes, not theirs.

For example, maybe your husband’s disrespectful behavior of throwing his dirty clothes on the floor by the shower is not about disrespecting you. Maybe he is working so hard all day that when he comes home after a busy day of work and earning money, he just needs to get out of these uncomfortable dirty clothes. It is not a sign of disrespect but of the urgent need for comfort.

When your relationship and your sexual desire are intertwined, admiration and respect play a crucial roll in attraction — more than we realize.

Without intentionally addressing these issues, they will not go away on their own. In fact, the wedge outside the bedroom will create more physical and sexual distance.

Part of building and growing intimacy in a relationship is addressing these relational topics through vulnerable conversations. If these tend to be challenging, you might benefit from the help of a professional who can help you break out of negative patterns that might make these conversations difficult.

Some questions to reflect on:

What do you respect and admire about your husband today?
What happens for you when you reflect on that?
Where are places where you’re losing or you’ve lost respect for him?
What relational topics are not being addressed? What would change if you could address these?

2. Loss of trust

If there has been a major breach of trust, it is a natural and healthy response to lose attraction towards your partner. Betrayals of trust such as an affair or hiding financial information can upend not only your relationship, but how trusting you feel to get close and open up again.

However, it’s important not to overlook another common source of loss of trust that happens to “good” and “solid” relationships. I am talking about small and regular instances of loss of trust that happen regularly, in every day lives that often go unnoticed and end up creating a deep wedge.

That trust is generally important for both men and women. However, for women, loss of trust affects safety. It becomes more challenging — or appealing — to open up sexaully when you don’t feel safe with your partner on this deeper emotional level.

What kind of breaches of trust am I talking about? Here are some examples:

Your husband promises to not check emails at night or work during the weekends, and then does it anyway.

He promises to show up on time, and he doesn’t.

He says he will do one thing and then does another.

He avoids addressing situations that need to be addressed.

For women in particular, these oh-so-typical situations where you do not feel that you can count on your partner to live up to his word and be there for you, it will erode trust, which in turn affects admiration and respect, which in turn impacts attraction.

There is no denying or ignoring how important these are to openness to be physical and sexual with each other. Without repairing these breaches of trust and finding ways to solve these challenges, how you see your partner and how drawn you are to them will be affected.

Some questions to reflect on:

Where has there been loss of trust?
What does that loss of trust create in you? How does that affect your desire to be close with your husband?
What needs to be repaired or addressed to remove the wall between us to rebuild trust?

3. Loss of connection

Without intentionally feeding their romantic and sexual relationship, all couples naturally end up sliding into roommate-dom.

They live parallel lives, keeping each other abreast on their comings and goings, but rarely opening up their hearts to each other.

Touch might be limited to a friendly hug or peck on the cheek.

Flirting and playfulness become a thing of the past, some romantic ideal you see in the movies, but that is absent in everyday life.

When there is no actual romantic relating happening on a regular basis, it is easy to stop seeing your partner romantically or be drawn to them physically. And whatever attraction you might felt when you were dating (and being romantic with each other) will disappear.

Which is why intentionally feeding your relationship with emotional connection, sensuality and touch (the components that make up what I call Connection Sex) is critical to maintaining the romantic part of a relationship and thus attraction.

Time and time again in my coaching practice, I see couples falling in love with each other anew after decades living in roommate-dom and literally becoming deeply drawn to each other sexually like they never have before.

One of the biggest myths that couples are fed by couples therapists alike is that date night is enough to build that connection. Deep connection must be cultivated in every interaction, every exchange you have. One date night weekly cannot make up for the fact that you feel alone and disconnected for the rest of the week.

Through my Connection Sex framework, I teach my clients who to build intimate connection and playfulness into their everyday lives in a way that does not require much effort. In fact, it is all about infusing a sense of closeness and focus on what feels good into what you’re already doing.

You can read about my approach here:

Some questions to reflect on:

When you felt deeply connected to your partner in the past, what was that connection like? What has happening (or not happening)?
In what ways did that kind of connection affect you?
What kind of connection are you longing for now that might be missing? Be specific: do you long to talk more to each other? To touch? To spend alone time together?
What would feeling more connected do for you today?

4. Loss of safety

Just like with loss of trust, there is a gradient to loss of safety. Large-scale betrayals of trust are a major break in safety. Emotional abuse and neglect are too. But there are myriads of small ways that we break down safety in the relationship that go unnoticed in our daily lives. That’s especially true when the relationship is otherwise “good” or “solid”.

Loss of safety in the relationship might look like:

Your partner’s dismissive comments about what is important to you
Sarcasm or derision to the point of contempt
Trying to convince each other to change your mind
Blame for what is happening that forces you to walk on eggshells
Opening up and being hit back with the information that you shared
Defensiveness and lack of taking responsibility
One partner hounding the other for answers or resolution while the other is running away and withdrawing
Stonewalling, withdrawing and/or avoiding
Being cornered or blind sighted

Make no mistake about it. When one or more of these behaviors it is not safe in the relationship to open up, it will affect how drawn you are to opening up to your partner. It will directly impact attraction and sexual desire.

That’s because when you don’t feel safe, the natural response is to close up and protect yourself. The last thing you want to do is to open yourself up to engage in a vulnerable way. You put a wall up.

And you cannot be closed and protected and open and vulnerable at the same time.

Coming back to vulnerability and willingness to understand are crucial to rebuilding safety.

Caveat: In and of themselves, none of these behaviors are lethal to connection or the relationship. However, if left unresolved and uncorrected, these behaviors will contribute to the death spiral that may cause the demise of the relationship. The key is to repair the damage that these behaviors cause and learn new ways to address getting your needs met. When one or more of these are present, it is critical to address this first, before any work on sexual attraction and relationship can take place.

5. Build-up of resentment and anger

The last relational factor of attraction is a combination of the previous four.

There is nothing more lethal to attraction than the build-up of resentment due to loss of trust, loss of connection and hurt feelings that go un-repaired and un-corrected.

Resentment is not merely about the hurts, disappointments, unmet bids of connection, or loss of trust. It’s not only about not getting our needs met.

Resentment forms when our needs and hurts get ignored, forgotten or dismissed altogether. Resentment is what happens when we get the message that we are not important enough to fix this.

It is virtually impossible to be attracted or drawn to someone who has hurt you and who does not show up to repair the hurt. When left un-addressed and un-repaired, resentment first creates distance. Eventually, it calcifies into an impenetrable wall that separates both people.

Once again, coming back to vulnerability and truly listening and understanding each other is key to repair the built-up resentment and hurt that goes with it.

As it might be evident by now, none of these issues can be solved by dressing up nicely and going out for a date night. Relational dynamics all too often masquerade as loss of attraction or passion, distracting us from the real thing underneath, which is that these affect every fiber of your relationship (and heart) and must be addressed holistically.

The reality is that the sexual and the relational components are inextricably intertwined and must be addressed in tandem. The relational aspects must be looked at without losing sight of the sexual connection, and vice versa.

If you as a couple who feels safe with each other to broach these together, focus on vulnerable and open communication to repair and replenish areas where these losses took a hit on closeness — and thus attraction. You will find numerous resources in my blog on how to hold these conversations.

If you need professional support to approach these conversations in a safe way and learn new tools to break out of negative cycles of blame, withdrawal or arguing, you’re in the right place. Set up a free consultation session where we can discuss what is happening and what to turn things around.

Your marriage — and your love — are truly worth the effort!

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Help, I am not attracted to my husband and struggling!