How Talking About Your Feelings Is Harming Your Relationship

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Talking about feelings in a sexless relationship

Couples who come to me for sex & intimacy coaching are not stupid. 
They are not mean. Or lazy.

In fact, they are highly intelligent. And hardworking.
They love each other. (Like this real-life couple Al & Blair, whose case study you can read here)
And they have good, if not noble, intentions to make each other happy.

But their relationship is struggling.
And they don't know why — or how to fix it.

One partner wants more sexual intimacy than the other. 

It’s the quintessential “sexual desire gap” problem.

And so they talk it over and over, telling each other what they think, under the guise of “telling the truth.”

  • They diagnose each other as … emotionally unavailable … scared of intimacy … avoidant … frigid. 

  • They point out all the things that have gone wrong … the ignored chores … lateness … unacknowledged labor … all those times they were rejected.

  • They make their feelings known … unappreciated … undesired … unwanted.

They have their “it’s been a month” fight and vow to work on their sex life.
But that lasts for just a day or two.

The reality is … 

The more they talk, the less they feel heard and understood. 
Because saying “what you feel,” while wrapped in criticism or worse contempt, feeds the disconnect that you’re trying to break.

The more they try what has already failed, the more powerless they feel.
Because your conversations haven’t worked so far, and your partner hasn’t changed their ways, you think that the solution is more of the same — to push harder. “Maybe on the 20th conversation,” you think, “they’ll finally get me and do something about it.”

And the more time goes by, the less hopeful they become that anything can change.
Because the longer the couple is stuck in their problem — and the harder they work to solve it without success — the less qualified they become to know the way out.

The little paper cuts here and there turn into wounds that threaten to become septic.

  • They cannot have a chore conversation without it somehow harking back to the lack of sex.

  • They cannot have a sex conversation without pulling in the resentment of the undone chores and feeling unappreciated.

It all becomes a wound-up ball of pain.

Soon enough, they begin to question their love for each other.

They think that their partner is the enemy.

The truth is that the pattern is the enemy — and they need expert intervention to help them break it:

  • From someone who can see through these heart-breaking patterns to their good intentions — and the wounds.

  • Someone who can model the right healing words that will set them free from going into yet another loop of this gut-wrenching merry-go-round.

  • Someone who can restore their hope and show them the way out with a step-by-step process that has them experience change in every session.

  • And someone who will stick by them as they create the sexual intimacy that reflects their deep love for each other.

REAL-LIFE CASE STUDY

Read how Al & Blair, a real couple and former clients of mine, went from total emotional and sexual gridlock to finding their way to fun and passion in their relationship.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to each other, here are a few options for you: