Is Couples Therapy Dead?

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Why couples therapy fails and how coaching is different

Couples who come to me for sex & intimacy coaching have often been to 3 to 5 therapists before me.

Why did their couples therapy fail?

It’s not for the lack of their therapists' credentials.
Or the lack of talking about their childhood.

The reality is that the only thing you will recall from your couples’ sessions is what happened emotionally between you and your partner.

Did you feel seen and more deeply understood?
Or, did you feel just as alone and disconnected?

That’s all.

And that's everything.

If couples therapy is working, you feel closer. Your next interaction becomes easier, more vulnerable, less fraught with danger. And your love and desire grow.

If it’s not, you walk away feeling just as alone …
… and with less hope that your relationship can be the dream of love and connection that it once was.

The reality is that we measure the success of therapy on connection.

Do you feel more connected as a result of it — or less?

Because that connection is why you go to couples therapy to begin with:

  • To stop being enemies and feel heard.

  • To feel important to each other.

  • To feel renewed hope for the future of the relationship.

  • And to open your heart (and genitals) to your partner in ways that you do not want to with anyone else.

Yet … most couples therapy is focused on exposing cool psychological insights rather than a process to foster that closeness.

Why Couples Therapy Fails?

If you’re experiencing any or all of there patterns in your couples therapy, it is unlikely that it will lead you to accomplishing your goals:

  1. If you’re not consistently experiencing connection with your partner in your therapy sessions, you’re going down the wrong path. Spending more time in therapy will do nothing. Your therapist needs to be expert enough to help you restructure your interactions — from criticism to vulnerability, from closedness to closeness — so that connection becomes the reality, not a promise. Your hope is on the line.

  2. Analyzing what's gone wrong and why needs to be a tiny fraction of what you do. Real intimacy is not theory or analysis; it's an experience that must be modeled and fostered in every word you speak to each other, every gesture, every move. Your therapist should be modeling this for you and helping you live this. The alternative deepens the wounds that pull you two apart.

  3. If you’re committing to a session-by-session model of therapy, you’ll face a frustratingly long and arduous path that may or may not get you where you want to go. It’s a costly risk that most couples are unwilling to take. Rebuilding intimacy needs to be an intentional step-by-step process, backed by success stories, and led by a specialist who believes in your relationship and your love. 

Couples therapy will not repair a relationship if you do not have an actual lived experience of vulnerability and connection between you and your partner.

Because it’s actual moments of connection — happening consistently, and growing in their strength — that will have you trust each other again and open up.

What I teach is a step-by-step process custom-tailored to your situation that moves you

  • From disconnect to feeling each other again …

  • From criticism and judgment to vulnerability and listening …

  • From feeling like strangers to knowing your partner is there with you …

And from this place, sexual intimacy flows.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to each other, here are a few options for you: