3 Unhealthy Thought Patterns (Disguised as Noble Gestures) that Keep Couples Stuck

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Why couples don't seek out sex therapy

There’s a way that couples manage sexual challenges in their relationship that they believe will serve them. 

Instead, it backfires and hurts their love. 

They delay — or plainly refuse — to seek out relationship support.

According to research at the Gottman Institute, couples wait an average of 6 years of being unhappy to get support for their relationship challenges.

In the meantime, they plateau, at best …
Or continue spiraling down, at worst … 
Burning through trust …
and ending up working harder and harder to keep the relationship afloat.

Worse, this process kills hope that things can change.

If you’re working harder and harder without getting better results in your relationship — and you’re not reaching out for support — you’re probably holding on to one (or all) of these 3 unhelpful, even destructive, thought patterns masquerading as noble.

Why noble? 

Because they convince you that you’re doing a good thing — a noble thing — by staying unhappy. 

BUT MORE THAN THAT …

They have a powerful purpose. 
These thought patterns keep you entrenched in pain, with no way to get out.

And why would you want to stay in pain? 

It’s not for any masochistic tendencies.

If you’re like most people, emotional pain might be all you know when it comes to relationships and love. 

Let me explain.

Because of the way most of us experienced relating growing up, we equate emotional pain with intimacy and love, either

  • As a constant state of having to fight to be seen, heard and understood for who we are

  • Or fighting against being encroached upon, pressured and taken from when love is given with strings attached

I am not talking about the argument kind of fighting, although that’s also related to this emotional pain.

What I mean here is emotional fighting:

  • Working really hard and twisting yourself into a pretzel to earn and keep love, affection and support. (We know this as the “anxious” attachment type)

  • Or having to tolerate and endure emotional pain that comes from having to sacrifice yourself to get love and affection, and fighting that encroachment on your boundaries with all your might. (We know this as the “avoidant” attachment type)

Whatever your attachment type, fighting is the norm for most people.

Fighting to get love and support.
Fighting to protect your boundaries.
Fighting to be loved … as you are.

And so, for most of us …

Pain feels safe. 
Struggle feels like home.
Staying in the fight means survival.

Learned helplessness is a way of survive in the face of pain when you stop trying to make it better.

Pain Is Not the Path to Relationship Satisfaction

Pain is never ok — and certainly not as a state of living.

Then, how come do we allow yourselves to live in it?

If we don’t recognize your own addiction to pain, it’s because these “noble” thought patterns help us hide it. They make sense of something that we know is wrong and hurtful — and that we also know that we need. Through these thought processes, we justify emotional pain and even take action to prolong it.

Until you break free from these thought patterns, you will continue to do the same things. And your relationship will continue to look the same — starved of the actual love and intimacy that you desire.

But I get it, the alternative doesn’t look safe either. 

You might like the idea of thriving, but in small doses. Like the infusion of hope after one good date night that has you believe that you’re over the hump.

But the mere thought of thriving as a permanent state of being — and having to put down the weapons and the fight for good — can be terrifying.

It might be more than you can handle. 

And so these 3 thought patterns kick in, masquerading as noble, and have you rationalize prolonging pain. One of those ways is by delaying seeking support that would help you change these pain patterns for good.

Can you relate to any (or all) of these?

 

NOBLE THOUGHT PATTERN #1: 

Tolerating pain makes me a good person.

What you’re really thinking is that if you can put up with pain, it means that you’re strong (and definitely not weak). And if you’re strong, that means that no one can bully you or make you do something that you don’t want to do. And so the fight must go on …

NOBLE THOUGHT PATTERN #2: 

Being a survivor is part of my identity. 

I get it, you had to fight hard to be yourself when you were growing up. And that became your identity. You were not just you — “you” became your identify with respect to the forces beating you down. And so what you’re really thinking is that if you’re not a victim of all that pain, who are you? Would you even exist if these forces were not fighting against you? And would anyone notice you then? And so the fight must go on … 

NOBLE THOUGHT PATTERN #3: 

I am a hard worker, and so I’ll work harder and figure this out on my own.

Yes, you are! You’ve moved mountains in your life thanks to your unwavering work ethic. But underneath, what you’re really thinking is “If I am not constantly working hard and fighting, how will I ever survive?” And so the fight must go on …

 

Look, if you subscribe to any (or all) of these subtle but very pernicious thought patterns, it makes total and complete sense that … the fight must go on. The struggle must continue. Emotional pain must not be abandoned.

And you will find all the reasons to stay in that pain. Manufacture them even. You will embark on spending thousands into renovating or redecorating your home, instead of making working on the relationship a priority. That vacation that you’ve been putting off will become ever so urgent. Work projects or getting a new puppy will take up all your time.

When you are committed to the fight, it will mobilize everything in you … and you will make it sound like it’s the most noble thing to do.

The thing is that …

There is nothing noble about living in pain.

There is nothing noble about running your tank so low that you’re a mere shell of yourself — irritated, brittle and hopeless.

There is nothing noble in watching your relationship deteriorate and having to face the painful consequences that come from that.

And there is nothing noble about denying yourself and your partner the opportunity to thrive.

Because the resistance to the pain is worse than the pain. It takes your relationship down with it.

So when you’ve grown tired enough of the pain,
And you realize that the cost of fighting outweighs the cost of taking a step into the unknown where you no longer have to fight …

Help is available to get to the other side in a safe way.

P.S. When you’re ready for more, here are a few options for you.