Is Scheduling Sex Bad for Your Relationship?
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You’ve probably heard it, too, from all kind of relationship therapists and gurus: you just need to schedule sex.
Not on my watch!
After demystifying the myth that having a weekly date night is a good idea in my last article, I take on the next bad sex advice: scheduling sex.
Sticking to a dedicated time slot for sex is yet another example of advice available for couples who are struggling with sexual desire in a long-term relationship.
But it's advice that does NOT work.
Before you start reading this blog, let’s debunk some “bad” scheduling-sex advice that can create more pressure to “make it work,” than it does to bring couples together.
Myth 1 - The reminder will build the mood
“Reminding your partner and yourself about your sex-date will add to the anticipation. It will also act as a cue for your partner and build the mood.”
Yeah… as if! Hearing your phone alarm ping when it’s almost time for sex does not do anything emotionally for us women. And if he failed to spot the signs that we want to connect romantically, and we feel completely disconnected and unseen, the ping certainly won’t do the job.
Women have responsive sexual desire. It responds to all the things that make us feel connected, safe and relaxed. Sticking to the schedule and not honoring how you feel is the fastest way to kill your libido — and fall into obligatory sex.
Myth 2 - Talking about the sex date is an opportunity to connect each week
“Couples sit down together and carve out a time that works, whether it’s a standing sex date or something you need to decide anew each week.”
Here is the thing. If you are not connecting during the week, you won’t feel close — and it’s a far cry to expect yourself to want to talk about sex with your partner who feels like a stranger to you.
Myth 3 - Ignore if you’re not in the mood. You’ll enjoy it when it starts.
“Once you start, you’ll enjoy it.”
At best, you will enjoy it. You might get an orgasm out of it too. But that does nothing to get you wanting your partner or feeling close. Moreover, you had to put so much effort to get yourself into that mental state where you’re enjoying it, you leave feeling like you could never have sex again and it’d be alright with you. It does nothing to have you want sex — or your partner — again.
In general, couples that tend to follow these tips might see some change on the surface. They might actually have sex a few times more than they would otherwise.
But over time … it hurts the relationship. And it hurts their sex life.
Why Scheduling Sex Is Bad for Your Relationship
Scheduling sex makes the event about sex — not the people.
You may get sex alright, but you may not feel nourished by it or feel connected to your partner.
And it might never make lovers out of you, however many orgasms you get in.
As sex changes in a long-term relationship, both men and women end up missing the excitement of the attention from their partner, the extra care they felt, the ease of connection and touch, and the overflowing love that they once felt that fueled their passion.
It feels like a part of them and their relationship has died out.
It feels as if they feel like strangers to each other — every single day.
And it’s the every day connection — the feeling of being important to each other — that fuels sexual passion.
Important enough to take time to listen.
Important enough to take time to reach out to kiss and touch.
Important enough to pleasure and make feel good.
Important enough to share yourself with each other.
The absence of these impacts both partners, to be sure.
And when it comes to libido, the absence of that daily connection in the relationship affects a woman’s responsive sexual desire more than a man’s. Without daily connection and attention, she starves of the nutrients that feed her libido and her interest in sex. Without touch that feels playful, not connected to the pressure of sex, her body shuts down.
And this starts the couple onto the path of sexual gridlock.
Couples who recognize this and remain committed to their sexual connection can maintain this passion for decades.
You want to know how?
They definitely don’t wait for date nights or schedule sex to make up for the lack of daily connection in their relationship.
They prioritize each other.
The Nourishing Alternative to Scheduling Sex
It takes intention and commitment to cultivate sexual passion and desire in a long-term relationship. And it has nothing to do with scheduling sex.
It’s about prioritizing each other by prioritizing sexy time with each other as lovers. Every single day.
Truth be told, I am all for scheduling — because time will get away from you when you’re busy with life.
But schedule time to be with each other, instead of to achieve a goal.
In essence, schedule time to play.
And here is the most important part that creates passion for couples over time.
Play does not involve a goal or purpose. If it does, then it’s not as novel, surprising and fulfilling.
Make time (and protect it against interruptions) to discover each other in the moment … to listen to each other … to feel unrushed and free to do whatever … to laugh and touch each other as if you’re teenagers … to share your dreams … to play with each other’s bodies and fondle and stroke each other’s bodies into passion.
You need to prioritize “sexy playtime” as lovers. And you need to carve out space to do it.
Schedule ‘Sexy Playtime’ — Not Sex
To make this time actual sexy time, there is one thing that you need to do.
And it’s to remove sex as the goal of it.
Having the goal of sex is pressure. It induces performance anxiety, fear of failure, and pressure to get it right. These are not sexy!
In fact, these will kill a woman’s libido straight up. In the presence of pressure of sex, she will not want it — but might still agree to perform it. Which feels terrible for all involved.
When you remove the goal of sex, it creates an intimate and safe setting to explore, touch, and be with each other.
In other words, it creates a space for play.
And what happens when we get to play?
When sexual energy is built up, actual sex becomes more spontaneous and easier to engage in because it doesn't feel like a chore. It comes from the overflow of pleasure, connection and satisfaction that comes from your playtime.
Most importantly, when you scheduled "sexy play time" together, you’re prioritizing each other. You’re prioritizing seeing and being with each other in ways that no one else can be with each other in a monogamous romantic relationship — as lovers.
You’re devoting time to whatever makes you feel closer to each other.
Make ‘Sexy Playtime’ a Daily Habit
This requires your commitment and an infrastructure to support you in making it work. Here are some tips:
Designate at least 15 minutes a day to be lovers. It’s a no-agenda appointment with each other to simply be with each other (while sex is off the table).
Agree to the same time every day, which makes it easier for you to rearrange your life around it to make it happen. If you’re going to try to fit your sexy time around other more important things, it will always remain on the back-burner. Make it a priority by blocking out the time outright.
Agree to a time and both show up for it. This way, no one needs to initiate and nag about it or or reject it. This arrangement removes the pressure because both people agree to do it — and both take responsibility to show up for it.
Show up being open, available, and ready for whatever shows up that day. It may be to listen, hold hands, touch, make out … anything that feels connecting in that moment. Or it may be to process the stress of the day by laying naked in each other’s arms and consoling each other. This is what makes you lovers — you get to be with each other.
Be ready to ask for what you want. There is no one leader leading the program here. You both take responsibility for yourself to ask for what you want — and also to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to what you desire.
In summary, these are the reasons to schedule and stick to a DAILY sexy connection time:
It removes the pressure of one person having to initiate because both people agree to do it
It helps couples budget their time and rearrange schedules around their relationship as life tends to get out of control
It ensure that you connect regularly on a physical level, keeping the connection strong enough to ignite sexual passion
It demonstrates to your partner your interest and commitment to them and your relationship
And here is what I see my clients who learn how to do: by scheduling a daily habit of sexy time first, they actually end up loving setting aside a weekly sex date (or a night even!). As they learn to build a strong sexual connection during the week, they crave longer time with each other to engage in sex.
And I am all for weekly four hour sex dates! When done without pressure and with ample time for the process, it's a beautiful way to go deeper in sex.
Go on and try this for a week. See what happens when you reintroduce sexy playtime into your relationship.
Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step NAS Program for Women and the Men Who Love Them to learn to work with your responsive sexual desire to overcome the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband” problem, permanently