3 Ways to Get in the Mood for Sex After a Busy Day Without Trying

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The long day has finally come to an end and all you can think of is finally sinking into your pillow.

But then, you feel your partner inching up towards you, and you can feel his sexual desire arising.

He wants to make love and you want to give him your love, yourself, your all. 

But you’re dead tired. 

Worse, if you’re a new mom, you just find the contact irritating. You probably feel over touched and over handled, like your body no longer belongs to you.

“Is there even a sexual woman inside of me?” you wonder.

What to do?

It’s either you ignore or shut him down, which feels terrible. 

Or you give him what he wants and disregard what your body is screaming at you. Which, too, makes you nauseated just thinking about it.

To have sex or NOT?
To feel miserable or to feel miserable? 

The torment of deciding between wanting to have sex and getting a night of restful sleep is freaking you out.

You’re confused with how you think and how you feel. 
It’s shutting you down, making this an even harder decision. 

And you just feel terrible … either way you go.

If you’ve ever been there before …
If you’ve ever wondered how to break through this cycle … 
If you’ve ever hoped that one day you will be able to reconnect to that sexual side of you …

Read on! 

This article will illuminate that mistakes that women make in trying to get in the mood and offer easy alternatives that do not require you to work at it. 

In fact, they’re all about not having to be in the mood at all.

Trying to Get in the Mood Will Not Get You in the Mood

If you wait until you're "in the mood," you'll never be in the mood because life and exhaustion will squelch your desire.

But the alternative isn’t good either. 

When we try to get in the mood — when we try hard to feel sexual and be sexual — we literally shut down every part of our sexuality. Every part! 

That’s because that is not how women’s sexual desire works. 
It’s exactly the opposite of how it works.

Our sexual desire is an outcome of having pleasurable experiences in our body — by yourselves and certainly with our partners. Our libido responds to pleasure.

It’s the truth that most women know intuitively: when we feel relaxed and access pleasure in our bodies, we feel sexy. And when we feel sexy, that turns us on.

Working hard to get in the mood is the opposite of enjoying yourself and feeling pleasure. It’s work — hard work.

But you’re in control of creating that pleasure … certainly more than you realize.

You can take charge of creating contexts of pleasure that feel good.
You can create scenarios that enliven your body and turn on your sexual engine. 

You can feel good.

Ignite Your Sexual Energy at Night by Focusing on Your Day

It’s unreasonable (and crazy!) to expect that if we work ourselves to exhaustion during the day, and we drain our energy to the fullest, we should still expect ourselves to be full and available sexually at night.

Truth be told, that puts a lot of pressure on our bodies.

At the end of a busy day, our bodies are like cars with no fuel. Even when we're not in the mood, we expect our bodies to turn on for sex.

It is exhausting, right? 

(And worse, we blame ourselves and start to believe that we’re sexually broken.)

So to have energy in the evening for your partner (and for yourself), you have to take care of yourself during the day. Every single day.

No, you don’t have to leave your job for that, or give the kids up for adoption. 

And it’s not about making a weekly date night or scheduling sex. These don’t work!

Realistically, it takes a few pleasure pauses a day (every day) to connect to yourself to fuel your engine. And the opportunities for these abound in every corner of your life. 

In fact, our bodies are pleasure machines — and the pleasure is ours for the taking. 

Infuse Your Day with Pleasure Pauses

By taking pleasure breaks — what I call ‘pleasure pauses’ — throughout your day, you fill up your tank. 

These don’t just work for sexual desire. 
They reset your nervous system, helping you relax. 
They give you an energy boost when you might feel tired. 
And they help you feel in charge of your own life. 

All of that connects you to your sexual self — the sexual woman waiting to come alive within you.

Where do you start?

By tuning into your own body.

The pleasure is there by the cupfuls. What it takes is slowing down to notice and feel it — one moment at a time.

Take breathing, for example. You do it all the time, without trying. And when you pay attention to it, it can be an incredibly pleasurable activity.

Your skin is wired to feel pleasure when touched — by your own hands included. 

And our brain feels pleasure when we think of good thoughts, like being close to your partner or imagining a dream coming true.

3 Tips to Get in the Mood After a Busy Day

As you fill your cup with pleasure breaks, you will still need to switch gears from work, taking care of the kids and cleaning up after pets to get our groove back. 

From your work and mommy self, to your sexy self.

And for that, you need sexy transition time! 

And that transition needs to happen in the body — because sexual desire lives in your body, after all. 

It’s a physical experience, not a matter of the will.

I want to teach you three easy-to-implement things to do to transition into your sexy self. 

The best part is that you don't need to be good at anything. 

You don’t need to do any more work! 

Just do these for your pleasure, in whatever form that appears.

1. Shake your booty to music!

Before you get home …
Before you get to your partner …
Before you want to be in connection with someone else …

Put on your favorite music …
And turn it up and dance!

Shake all your stress out. 
Scream it out too, if you want.

Shaking is really important. Why? The stress and emotions of the day get stored in our bodies, and especially for women, in our hips and pelvis (near our genitals). 

Whatever music you like, make sure that you're dancing, shaking your hips, and letting the movement move everything out of your body.

Be free. Let the music move you.

Because it’s fun, light and effortless, dancing helps you let go of what is holding your back inside your head and in the worry of the day. 

And anything that allows you to get out of your head and into your body will shift you closer to being sexually available.

It’s a powerful transition practice — and you can never be bad at it.

2. Check in with your body

As you transition between activities, check in with yourself and your body.

What is happening in your body at that moment? 

Is your breath heavy or light? Shallow or deep?
Are your shoulders tense?
Is your pelvis contracted?

And also notice, what parts of you feel relaxed? 
What feels soft and pleasant?
Bring all of you into your awareness. 

And then ask your body what it needs. 

Ask your feet what they need or want right now.
Ask your shoulders and belly.
Ask your pussy.

You might have an expectation that you should be turned on and that it should look a certain way. 
Throw these expectations out the window.

Tune into your body instead. Listen to it.

But when you tune in, your body may be asking for some stillness and quiet moments. 
Maybe you need it by yourself. 
Maybe you need to be held for a while so that you can sink back into your body. 
Maybe you need more movement.

Whether it’s after you’ve been dancing, or before you’re ready to meet your partner, or before the start of any physical activity (especially before getting sexual), your body will know exactly where you — and what it needs or wants next.

And following that cue is key to your creating the mood. 

Following your body’s cues as to what it wants next.

Here’s the thing: we women carry loads of expectations about how we should be turned on. And it usually looks like we need to be going at the pace of our male partners, or we’ll disappoint them or turn them off. 

And men go fast, very fast. 

It’s a common misconception that has very negative consequences. It has women move so much faster than what is comfortable or pleasurable — and that itself shuts down our desire. 

This self-check allows you to find out what you are ready for and what would feel like the right next step.

When you follow your body’s cues and what it wants next, the body will naturally lead you to what turns you on. 

It’s so wise that way!!

And when you feed it what it craves, it will fill up and overflow with desire.

3. Initiate something YOU like (before your partner does so)

Once you find out what your body is wanting, go for it and initiate. 

If you’re noticing that you want to lay around in bed and touch, do it. 
If you’re craving a foot massage, ask for that. 
If you want to linger in a slow kiss, initiate that.

By asking for what you want and need — and better yet, by initiating it — you get to CREATE the sexy context that would have you feel sexual.

And by asking for what you want and not waiting for your partner to initiate, you invite him to be part of your pleasure and make him feel desired too.

It’s a win/win for both! 

Give yourself permission to follow your pleasure trail and build one pleasure onto another — and make him your partner in achieving that.

And, if your partner proposes something that is more than what you can do, don't shut him down with a big fat no. That's discouraging and can be hurtful if you're always rejecting him.

Instead, propose a counter-offer or redirect him to something you actually do want. 

Like this:
"Sex sounds lovely for another day; tonight, I would really love to lay together naked without any expection to go further. It will help me relax and fall asleep, but I might be open for more tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep. Will you join me?"

Sounds a lot less work than forcing yourself, right?

The fact that you have a say in what you want is EMPOWERING.

You never have to follow what your partner is initiating, or reject him outright. 

Which leads me to the final point …

Lead with Your Voice and Your Libido Will Follow

It’s no wonder that the same muscle system allows the vagina to open as does the muscles that open your throat. 

Women lose sexual desire when we feel powerless over our own experience and our own bodies. 

Here is how it plays out: we stay silent about our needs, hoping we will just "move through" whatever we're feeling. The more you do it like that, the more it feels like an obligation. You’re just going through the motions and you feel forced. Sex feels like an errand that needs to be done at a scheduled time and you’re not enjoying it anymore.

And that is enough to shut us down. 

The opposite happens when you use your voice. It actually ignites sexual desire from within.

Because women’s voices and women’s sexuality are inexplicably linked. They feed each other!

Say what is happening for you.
Say what you’re feeling.
Say what you want to do.  

Use it to initiate or redirect to something you desire — and that will serve you.

"I would love to spend time with you this evening, just us naked in bed. I am noticing I am tired, probably too tired for anything more like sex, but laying with you cuddling sounds so relaxing. Will you join me?"

Asking your partner to honor what's happening at the moment will turn your body on because its needs get met.

You're recreating the pleasure by giving what your body needs. And gradually, your body will naturally erupt in sexual energy. 

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: