Q: Dear Irene: My husband and I have struggled with this pattern. We go away for a weekend and sex seems to flow. It’s like a switch goes off in me and we get into it with little work. I want it several times a day. As soon as we walk back into our house, my sexual desire goes away — often for months — and I can’t turn it back on. My husband’s desire stays the same. How can we bring some of that ease and passion back home with us?

Whether you go away for a weekend or a week, the “vacation sex” effect is real. It’s as if sex gets easier — and become more fun — when you have a change of scenery and room service.

Couples report an uptick in sexual frequency during vacations as well as

Experimenting more with each other
Going slower and taking more time to build arousal
Being more open about asking for what they want
And even having more orgasms

And to many couple’s surprise, women tend to desire and initiate sex more on vacations than in everyday life.

The sad part is that when you get home, and it’s all gone. The ease, magic and spontaneity seem to all disappear and the only thing that remains are the blissed-out afterglow selfies on your phone.

So the question on everyone’s mind is …

Why is sex better when you’re on vacation?

And, how can that excitement and passion continue when you get home?

The reality is that you can’t be away from home all the time. It can get very expensive very quickly if you have to rely on getaways to connect sexually with each other.

If you want to be able to weave more of the “vacation sex” energy into your relationship, read on. I am going to break down the elements that make sex on vacation exciting and fun — and for some women, even possible at all — and why it feels so much better than otherwise. And, most importantly, you’ll get the secret about how you can carry on the magic once you get home.

Caveat: I am referring here to “adult” vacations or weekend get-aways where the couple can be alone for most or all of the time. These effects can carry over somewhat when you’re on vacation with children if you have a significant amount of time and freedom to yourselves.

1. You have all the time in the world to do whatever you want — and that’s relaxing and sexy.

Whether it’s a weekend away or a long vacation, when you don’t have to be anywhere and you don’t have to do anything — somehow it feels like 24 hours last much longer than on an average workday.

You have what I call “unstructured time,” defined as: time when you are not trying to do anything, not trying to be productive, not trying to achieve goals, and are not responsible for any outcome.

You call the shots on how you spend your time and energy: when you wake up, when to eat, and when to head out and do something.

It’s your time — dedicated to you both (as well as individually) — and that’s empowering.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, when you’re more relaxed and not pressured to perform or show up (or take care of others), you have more mental, emotional and physical capacity for each other:

More energy to be playful and flirty
More capacity to give each other attention
More curiosity to try something different that’s been piquing your curiosity

For men, unstructured time helps them access their playful side, which is when they’re also more emotionally open and excited to engage. And they are more available to provide that emotional connection that turns women on.

For women, that spaciousness and lack of responsibilities allows her to relax, opening the door for her enjoying herself, feeling sexy and allowing her sexual desire to flourish.

And with that extra energy comes extra interest — to take time to explore each other’s bodies, be sensual, and simply take time to be with each other.

And that’s sexy! The biggest sexual aphrodisiac for human beings is attention from another person. And I mean quality attention, when someone is paying attention to you and excited to be there … with you.

That’s is one reason why on vacation, couples have more passionate sex. That connection and spaciousness feels good being and fuels the passion. That’s especially true for women, because these are essential elements for a woman’s libido in a long-term relationship.

HOW TO CREATE IT AT HOME: Set aside time each day to step away from responsibilities. While it’s hard to just forget them, find something pleasurable to focus on instead (shifting your attention and getting lost in something pleasurable is much easier than trying to forget the hard stuff.)

It could be something physical: laying on the couch to give each other a foot massage or take a bath together
It could be something verbal: sit on the patio for 15 minutes and discuss your impressions of your day. Now, don’t use this time to discuss the practical details. Instead connect to each other’s hearts by asking: “What was the best part of your day?”, “What made you proud today?”, “What made you laugh today?”, or if it’s a particularly hard day “What was the hardest or scariest part of that experience?”
It could be an activity, where you set aside time to do whatever strikes your fancy during that time. Maybe go out in the garden to look at flowers, or share with each other your favorite meme’s on Facebook, or maybe take a nap together. Remember, it’s your time and that’s what counts!

2. You’re enjoying yourselves.

Whether it’s checking out beautiful vistas, new foods, breathtaking sunsets or shade for a comfy nap, you’re on a mission to seek out pleasure.

Vacation puts you into “pleasure mode” from the start.

And what is “pleasure mode” other than connection to the erotic?

Connecting to pleasure fills us up with feel-good hormones that make sexual connection just one small step away.

That’s equally true with new and novel settings as with sensual delights. They stimulate our senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and touch).

Enjoying yourself is good for sexual desire and passion — and that’s especially true for women. Women need to connect to pleasure in our bodies before our body can be open to sexual desire.

And that includes sleep. A recent study found that the longer women slept, the more interested in sex they were the next day. Just one extra hour of sleep led to a 14 percent increase in the chances of having a sexual encounter the following day. Also, in this same study, more sleep was related to better genital arousal.

The pleasure effect is real. Being immersed in pleasure turns women on and increases interest in connecting sexually with their partners.

HOW TO CREATE IT AT HOME: Do something small each day that focuses on pleasure. Small moments of pleasure add up when it comes to sexual desire.

Cook a special meal together and slow down to savor it. Or go out to enjoy one, slowly, while focusing on the food.
Take a bath together.
Go out and smell the roses in the garden.
Leaf through a picture book of natural beauty.
Listen to your favorite music
Take time for a detour on the drive home and explore a new country road through the forest.

3. You’re focusing on each other — and acting as lovers!

You’re posing kissing in photos. You’re holding hands walking through historic sights or in the car driving to them. You’re feeding each other foods as you savor a delicious meal.

You’re sharing your impressions, what you love, what thoughts and ideas come to mind … you’re sharing yourself with your partner without an agenda.

You’re paying attention to each other as if you were lovers just falling in love. You’re connecting over your moment-to-moment experiences. You’re letting each other in into your hearts and inner worlds. You’re sharing yourselves with each other.

In essence, you’re acting as lovers.

And that is a turn-on that’s desperately missing in the hurried, everyday lives of most people.

I mentioned earlier that attention is the biggest aphrodisiac. When we’re at the center of our partner’s attention, gaze and desire — it feels good. Good quality lover attention inspires us to reach out to touch each other’s hearts — and genitals. And again, this is a particularly important factor in women’s responsive sexual desire.

HOW TO CREATE IT AT HOME: Slow down to see the person next to you — literally. For a moment, forget the task at hand and really see who is sitting next to you. Notice your partner. Reach out to touch them or look into their eyes.

This can be done in conjunction with setting aside unstructured time to catch up with each other as I mentioned in the last section. Ask each other questions about your experience of your day. Don’t go into details but ask about the impact.

4. Your orgasm can take all the time in the world.

There is something so sexy about abundance of time for women. Mostly, it’s the lack of pressure to have to “be in the mood,” “get yourself ready” for sex, or worse, get your orgasm going so it doesn’t take too long or he’ll fall asleep.

It’s not news that women need time to become sexually aroused and ready for sex. But this truth is too often forgotten. We cut corners to just get it over with, shortchanging our own pleasure. And when sex that we’re having is not worth having, then it makes sexual desire even harder to find.

Instead, with the abundance of time and lack of responsibilities, you can take the time to come into yourself then deeply connect with each other.

For women, it takes a good half hour just to sink into your body, letting go of the chatter that is running through the mind, and finding your own rhythm. And that’s before any sensual or sexual stuff can even start to happen.

Then you start to get into it. It’s the space of the three hours to completely switch your attention from the outside world to pleasure is in itself nourishing. It’s where you can drop deeply into yourselves and lose each other in the pleasure and passion. It’s where the magic happens.

Slowly kissing, stroking slowly, then passionately making out then taking a nap, only to wake up rearing to go … allowing yourselves to slowly develop the heat between you is the most pleasurable part of love-making. And it makes for explosive orgasms, too.

HOW TO CREATE IT AT HOME: Pick one day a week, preferably a weekend when you have time to sleep in, and carve out time for what I call a “3-hour sex date.” No, you do not have to have sex for three hours. You have three hours to take it easy, to play sensually with each other in an unstructured way (no scripts or rush to orgasm), and to let arousal happen naturally.

5. You share your dreams and desires.

Even before vacation starts …

“Oooh, wouldn’t it be fun to go to Italy! I love pizza and wine, and I can totally see us walking the streets of Rome hand in hand.”

“Yeah, let’s do the road trip!!! You know, I’ve loved road trips from an early age. They make me so giddy!”

Talking about your dreams and your desires takes passion to a whole new level. It feels good to share what you love and what you want. That ups the ante on the passion part.

This is another way that lovers connect. You’re letting each other in — into the vulnerable parts of you, your dreams and desires.

HOW TO CREATE IT AT HOME: Open up about your dreams with each other — whether it’s about your next vacation, or how you’d want to be touched, or what you want to do together.

The Importance of Play

In a single word, vacation is about play — and play is crucial for maintaining sexual desire, passion and even attraction in a long-term relationship.

It is in play — in an unstructured space where we can be spontaneous, creative, vulnerable and open — that we come alive. And that aliveness is the much needed antidote to the responsibilities and pressures of everyday life that put pressure on sex and sexual desire.

Adults need play just as much as children. But not just any play — but play as lovers. Not parents or caretakers or responsible adults. You get to play with each other verbally, through touch, and by being spontaneous and creative and open your hearts to each other.

But don’t leave play for vacations or weekends away. If vacation time is the only time when you give yourselves permission to relax, be playful and enjoy pleasure, that’s not enough to sustain a healthy and passionate sex life for the rest of the year.

That’s even more important when you have children, when your vacations are still full of structure and responsibilities.

Instead of waiting for that coveted vacation or weekend away, infuse your everyday with unstructured time, sensual delights, pleasure pauses, emotional connection.

While men certainly will enjoy these, it’s women who benefit the most from everyday connection as it feeds the female libido. Emotional connection, unhurried pleasure and sensual delights are all essential nutrients that feed a woman’s aliveness and her desire for sex.

Instead, create the vacation effect in your every day lives. In as little as 15 minutes a day, you can supercharge your relationship with the magic.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:

SCAN through my articles and you’ll find pearls of wisdom about women’s libido and reviving a sexless relationship.
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support

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Why Is Sex Better on Vacation & How Do You Bring That Passion Home with You?