5 Ways to Restore Her Excitement for Sex
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You've seen it happen with other couples.
Happy couples.
When you were just starting out with your married life, you may have heard this from those together for decades: passion and sex wane after years of living as a couple.
Perhaps you felt smug, thinking "No, not us. Our marriage is different."
You saw yourselves in love and you thought that passion was going to last forever.
Excitement for each other seemed naturally high — and there was no shortage of opportunities for sex. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other touching, kissing, spending hours making out like teenagers.
And then, after years of being together, you watched your marriage suffer the same fate you were cautioned about — you became victims of the “drift.”
Drifting away from the hot lovers you were … into the practical, boring partners and parents you are today, as you drive your kids to school, make meals, arrange activities, and complete your daily chores.
And what dominates your life now?
Responsibilities and disagreements!
Kids, house and car loans, and long working hours … and the list goes on.
It’s not a coincidence that women’s libido usually takes a nosedive somewhere along this trajectory.
Many couples, and most especially women, blame themselves for it. They believe that they must be doing something wrong, or that perhaps there’s something wrong with their marriage — or worse, their love.
The truth is: “the drift” is a natural (and predictable) process that every marriage goes through.
Seen from this angle, women losing their libido is just as natural and normal too.
Boringly predictable.
But that doesn't mean that you can't do something about it.
The opposite. When you address sexual passion in a long-term relationship intentionally, her libido responds in kind.
If you’re looking for ways to restore your excitement in sex as a woman (or learn how to support her, if you’re a man), then this article is for you.
False Advertising About Her Libido
There is a reason why women’s libido is typically high in the beginning of the relationship — and why it often looks the same as the man’s.
Because connection, flirtation, romance and physical stimulation are often in abundance.
Couples make time to see each other ...
To aimlessly wander around, enjoying each other’s company ...
Lay naked in bed, exploring and touching each other’s bodies …
Talk about sex and pleasure …
Make out like teenagers …
And the woman typically responds positively, opening up sexually, matching his desire.
It all feels so easy. So effortless. So spontaneous. Like it could last like this forever!
And … it’s false advertising!
Past the honeymoon stage, the excitement and the hormonal pull of pure sexual lust naturally wane … and couples are left to wonder where the passion went … and her sexual desire with it.
What couples get so wrong (so easily) is that when responsibilities take over, they stop doing all of the things that actually made a huge difference in her sexual desire.
They stop the very actions that made them lovers in the first place and ignite her interest in sex.
All those things that I just mentioned: making time to see each other, to wander around, to explore each other, to feel unhurried to just be … those happen to be exactly what women need to feel sexual — even, and especially, if you’ve been married for decades.
And the key to making it passionate is to consciously infuse the relationship with what made sex easy for her in the beginning.
They need to be incorporated and made regular in the relationship via what I call the Connection Sex framework to desire and passion in a long-term relationship.
I’ve grouped the essentials of what nourishes women’s libido into three main categories in the next sections.
Also check out:
Listen to my interview on How to Prevent Sex from Dying Out in Your Relationship on the IDO podcast
Video: Why does sex die naturally in a long-term relationship? And why is that a good thing?
Article: 3 Honest Mistakes That Lead to "Honey, No Sex Tonight"!
Differences in Sexual Desire between Men and Women
There is no one way that sexual desire is.
There are real and significant differences in how men and women experience it. And when we compare ourselves to men, we naturally come out broken — which is not the case.
Knowing the differences is key in feeding your libido. I talk at length about the differences about sexual desire for men and women (spontaneous and responsive, respectively) in the free video series “How to Want Sex Again,” so I want to bring up a different aspect here.
Because of the differences in sexual desire, there is a significant disconnect about what men and women need to feel desired. And this disconnect fuels an age-old conflict between men and women.
Women need emotional connection to open up sexually. If that connection is absent, she will not be available physically — or she will do it out of obligation and to get it over with. And a woman shows interest in sex differently, and most men miss these.
Men need a woman’s sexual interest and availability to open up emotionally. Then he’s able to open his heart to her and express his love and appreciation. He also initiates sex in very direct ways, which often turn her off.
When couples miss on this nuance, they end up being hurt + taking it personally.
When she asks for emotional connection because that’s how she feels desired, he often rejects her, waiting instead for her sexual advances to come first. She feels alienated and alone, further pulling away from him sexually and starving him of what he needs.
When he makes sexual advances towards her because that’s how he feels desired, she often rejects him; worse, she takes offense for him only wanting her for sex (while offering no emotional connection). When she doesn’t spontaneously desire him, he retreats, feeling undesired for who he is, further shutting down emotionally and starving her of what she needs.
She calls him emotionally stunted.
He calls her sexually shut down.
Oh boy …
So, who goes first? And how do you untangle this gridlock?
The key is that both people need to go first and make a move to offer each other something that they need.
And ask for what they need too.
It’s a dance of vulnerability — not a transaction.
It can look like the woman initiating touch with her man because she enjoys touching his body and sending him the signal that she appreciates him.
It can look like the man offering to listen to her, knowing that it will have her feel desired.
It can look like the woman sharing that she would like to cuddle with him as they both relax after a busy day, offering her physical connection and getting the touch she needs to relax.
It can look like the man initiating the conversation about what needs to be done at home for the kids, lightening her mental load of managing the house chores and freeing up her energy for him.
When couples learn how to meet each other’s needs, her libido thrives. Scroll through to the next section to find out the five keys to restoring her interest in sex.
Also check out:
Video: watch my in-depth conversation about women’s libido with Iryna Aranov, LMFT, where you’ll learn:
The most typical story of why women lose their libido in a long-term relationship
What’s false advertising about women’s libido and what’s the truth
The 5 key elements that need to happen to restore her excitement for sex
Why and how her body’s arousal and “worshipping her pussy” can make sex go from painful to ecstatic for a woman
How can women engage their partners in creating more pleasurable sex
5 Things that Nourish a Woman's Libido and Restore Her Excitement for Sex
1. Emotional Connection
It’s nothing new that women need emotional connection.
It makes us feel safe and helps us relax. It conveys to a woman that a man cares about getting to know her, as she is.
And it also does something else — something very important.
Something that both men and women usually miss.
When her partner expresses an interest in her inner life and opens about his, it makes her desire him — sexually desire him!
As in, want to reach out and kiss him … touch him … get into bed with him.
Emotional connection is one of three essential nutrients for women’s excitement for sex. And typically, it comes in droves in the beginning of a relationship — just in virtue of him being so interested to learn about and spend time with her.
What is emotional connection really?
It’s an experience of feeling heard, understood, and cared about.
It also includes the experience of being curious about, like when a partner asks us questions or inquires about our lives. (As I like to say, asking questions is just another love language.)
And it absolutely includes being desired … for us, as we are. To be known for the whole of us.
How do men show this?
Think to the early days of the relationship, and the way he listened when you shared about your day and your dreams.
It’s the way he made you feel important and desired when he spontaneously got you flowers because you loves them so much.
It’s the way he opened up about his deep inner dreams and fears and let you inside.
And it’s how he made you feel safe to open up and confide in him about your inner emotional battles; how present he was listening to you — as pillar of strength for you — as you sorts it all out in your head.
Emotional connection is also how the couple fights. It’s about staying vulnerable with each other when things don’t go your way, when you want to be mad at each other and pull away.
Certainly, in the long run, every couples’s emotional connection gets tested over and over. The key to women’s sexual desire is to know how to maintain — and stoke — emotional connection with each other every day. Connecting heart to heart and finding your ways to each other to listen, share and dream together.
Also check out:
2. Attention
It is one of the most significant contributions each person could give to each other in a relationship.
Marriage and life in general entail so many challenges and responsibilities; and both partners take on their fair share. So it's a relief to come home and have someone who will prioritize you and give you their undivided attention.
To make you feel important. And seen.
When you’re dating, attention comes in droves … and it works wonders on women. You’re doted on, attended too, listened too. Your body becomes an object of exploration — your heart and soul too. It feels so good to be paid attention too.
And in that beginning, the quality of that attention is typically high.
Undivided attention. Like she is at the center of his universe.
Exquisite attention, with him attuning to what she needs. Like a sailor attuning to the grunts and whispers of his sailboat to navigate the open seas.
Unrushed attention. Space and time for her body to open up to him at her pace, like a tight bud opening up into a flower.
Most women are shy to admit how much attention they actually crave, in fear of being labeled “needy” or “high maintenance.” To what effect? We starve ourselves of the actual nutrients that make our libido thrive.
Once the hormones of sexual lust wane, the “natural” driver to pay attention to each other goes too. You might be lucky if you can spend an hour a day together. A good third of couples spend less than 30 minutes of quality time together a day, and 16% admit to no time together at all. At all!
Married life with kids, work and house responsibilities are least conducive to women’s sexual desire. More than that, they’re libido killers.
Which is why it becomes necessary to intentionally set aside time to pay attention to each other as lovers. And more on that in a bit.
Also check out:
3. Touch
Touch is the most potent form of communication, most especially for couples.
It can help express emotions a hundred times better than words.
It stimulates arousal.
In so many different ways, touch produces pleasure.
And it also stimulates us to produce oxytocin, which is also known as the love hormone because it facilitates bonding between partners.
At the beginning of a relationship, most couples just can't get their hands off each other. We are compelled biologically to do so, because the main goal of sexual attraction is to make a baby (whether or not that’s your actual goal).
So touch is aplenty. Unhurried and explorative touch — without the pressure to have sex.
Like lingering in bed and just stroking each other.
And most women see their arousal and sexual appetite respond accordingly.
Often women want to have lots of sex in the beginning — and often just as much as men.
But once responsibilities take over, that prolonged and goalless touch is also one of the first things to go out the window.
And here is again where couples go so wrong. They don’t realize the power of slow, goalless touch for women. It’s more than just “foreplay” or a means to get to sex.
She needs touch that gets her body relaxed and excited.
She needs slow, sensual and prolonged touch on her clitoris and pussy gets her excited and ready (and not just to get her to orgasm). It’s often to an orgasm that’s so much work that gets her less excited for sex.
This touch can differentiate sex that feels like friction to her and one that allows her to fully experience the pleasure of penetration (as well as oral sex and orgasm).
When life gets filled with kids and responsibilities, couples run short on space and time that’s really needed to have and enjoy this kind of sensual, explorative touch.
And that’s also where women start to feel starved of the very nutrients needed to boost their libido.
In a long-term relationship, couples have to be proactive and consistent in maintaining touch. Relaxing touch AND sexual touch. And more on that in a bit.
4. Time for Herself
Even though women’s libido is highly responsive to contexts created by her partner, it must also be fed from the inside.
To boost your own libido, it’s necessary to take care of yourself and open yourself up to pleasure. And that takes creating time for yourself and your needs.
Think about how you were when single and walking into a relationship. You had time to get ready. You had time to relax, to be still, to be with girlfriends, or to just enjoy yourself. Pleasure is an aphrodisiac. Delight feels good and turns us own — and when our bodies feel good from the inside, the lights go on sexually.
The need for that has not disappeared. If anything, it has become even more important for you to take time for yourself. Without it, your libido suffers.
Without time to yourself, you betray your own needs — and your partner, because you cannot be your best self when you don’t take care of you.
And when you fill your cup, you bring energy into your relationship and sex life.
5. Honoring Herself and Her Needs
How do I explain this one?
Let’s start with what happens when you don’t honor yourself:
When you say "‘yes’ when you’re a ‘no’ to friends, colleagues and even sex with your partner
When you exhaust yourself taking care of the house, and collapse because you forgot to take care of you
When your body screams to stop and you keep going
When all these things happen, you become resentful and defeated. And if you feel resentful at yourself for being out of alignment with what you know to be true, you’re not going to feel particularly sexy.
To be in a healthy relationship, we must learn to use our voice to advocate on our own behalf. That's how we honor ourselves — and empower our partners to succeed with us.
You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, stand your ground, and insist on change if something is no longer working for you. Not doing this leads to resentment, which kills the connection in a relationship and pits partners against each other.
And the thing about resentment … deep down, it's resentment towards yourself. It’s a deep regret that you didn’t honor yourself and speak up about what you really wanted or needed.
We expect our partners to understand how we feel and know our needs automatically. Sadly, this isn't the case. These expectations effectively have us pull away from our partners, worsening the cycle of disconnect.
To nourish your own libido as a woman, you have to learn to express your needs and desires (instead of complaints) and set each other up for success.
Understanding your own needs will help you feed your libido and want to come towards your partner to fuel the sexual spark.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:
SCAN through my articles and you’ll find pearls of wisdom about women’s libido and reviving a sexless relationship.
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step NAS Program for HSP Women and the Men Who Love Them to learn to work with your responsive sexual desire to overcome the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband” problem, permanently
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support