The Thing That a Woman Needs for a Healthy Sex Life

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There's something every woman needs.

It might not even be something she knows she needs.

In fact, she thinks she needs everything else first.
The perfect body, the perfect house, having everything under control.

But once she has it, she never wants to be without it.

It’s her refuge. It’s her source of magic and power. And it’s hers to enjoy.

The thing that every woman needs is to feel at home in her own body.

Her body is her temple.

Her body is her source of energy and confidence.

And her body is the safest place to be.

Our bodies are our protectors. They feel danger before our brains do (in a matter of 1/100 of a second), and they alert us so we can take care of ourselves. When we shut down the body, we cut the wires of our own protective system. We limit our ability to interact with the world and keep ourselves safe. And it makes us hyper-vigilant — as if stuck on '“on” all the time — which drains our energy, saps our confidence, and pulls us further away from being able to experience sexual desire and libido.

When you learn to inhabit your body, you feel peaceful inside.
The noise levels drop.
The vigilance goes down.
It becomes calm and spacious inside.

It’s like coming home.

And sexual desire has a chance to arise from within.

You don’t need to learn some fancy meditation technique to do this.
And you certainly don’t need to buy any expensive equipment.

There is one sure-fire path to learn to inhabit your body. And it’s through pleasure.

Your own pleasure.

Pleasure in your own body.

When you learn to feel, receive and experience pleasure in your body, you become its resident. You become embodied.

And you come home.

Pleasure feeds & nourishes the body.

Literally. Relaxation and feeling pleasurable sensations in your body resets the nervous system, makes it more resilient and also sensitive to detect and act on threats, and allows all organs and systems to work properly. It’s not a nice-to-have. It’s like a reset button for your computer. It’s a necessity.

Pleasure makes the body come alive.

Don’t believe me? Right now, bring up in your imagination a moment of pleasure or something that felt comforting for you in the last 24 hours. Something that you enjoyed or that felt good. A warm hug from your partner. A tasty salad for lunch. A sweet moment with your kid.

What happens in your body when you do? A smile? A softening in the face? A melting of the shoulders? A spark or tingle?

And that’s what pleasure does. It softens us and makes the armor that we carry just a little bit lighter.

Pleasure builds confidence.

Pleasure makes us feel good … and when we feel good, we start to feel good and we feel unstoppable.

When you feel confident from the inside, when you fall in love with your body, you feel whole. You don’t have to fight yourself and your energy can go into making things happen in areas that are important to you.

All of this may be simple, but inhabiting our own body can be scary.

  • You might feel guilt — because if you’re inhabiting your own body, you can’t take care of others. And that can be uncomfortable. It’s easier to shut this whole thing down that to feel the pangs of guilt.

  • You might feel shame — because women’s pleasure has been taboo for a very long time. Our pleasure as women has not been allowed to exist to be ours — and many different institutions have made it their job to instill shame in us for that. Closing up made sense.

  • Or you simply might not know how to be in your body at all. So many of us, the sensitive ones, have shut down all ways of feeling in our body because it hurt before. We opened up, we felt so much and so deeply, and we got hurt. The trauma was too deep.

Closing up and shutting down our body was the safe thing to do. It protected us. It make us feel safe in all these situations.

But it also barred us from our own body — and the energy that it can give us.

We closed down and learned to exist by starving and running on empty.

But an empty engine can’t go.

And an empty engine can’t sexually turn on. It might be able to perform or fake it.

For a healthy sex life, you need a full tank.

The good news is that what you need to fill up your tank is everywhere around us and in our bodies — and it’s ours for taking.

Here are 5 surprisingly easy ways (and a bonus one) that your body can give you pleasure — and allow you to inhabit it. They’re part of my Connection Sex framework that is a powerful antidote to losing your interest in sex.

These are surprising … not because you’ve never thought or seen these.

They’re surprising because they’re all around us … but we don’t even take time to notice them or take advantage of their power.

Our bodies are pleasure machines.

  • We automatically — without doing anything — feel pleasure when we breathe.

  • Our skin is wired to feel pleasure when touched — and by our own hands included.

  • And our brain feels pleasure when we think of good thoughts.

This miraculous body we have wants to give it to us, by the cupfuls. It’s your to enjoy yourself!

And all it takes is noticing it with what I call a “pleasure pause.”

It is what it sounds like: slow down to pause and register the pleasure you feel in your body. As you’ll read in the examples, it’s there for the taking.

Think of these “pleasure pauses” as training your mind and body to register the sensations you already know and love — and inhabit your body.

Be in it.

Experience life through it.

Here are 5 big ways that our bodies give us pleasure without us doing anything + 7 “pleasure pauses” to access pleasure daily — no matter how busy you are. Plus, you get a special bonus one at the end too!

1. RELAXATION

Imagine … feeling your muscles relax.
Imagine … having a moment of quiet, when things slow down.
Imagine … your body get heavier, melting into your bed or seat.

It feels soooo good to relax.

And you can have this … if you’re willing to slow down and feel it.

Here are two tiny but mighty pleasure pauses to access the joy of relaxation:

 

Pleasure Pause: Feeling Your Breath. The exhale is our body’s natural relaxation response … and it packs double the punch when we actually notice ourselves breathing. Without trying, naturally breathe in, then slowly breathe out. Notice what happens to the body as you breathe: how your rib cage expands on inhale, relaxes on exhale. Notice how your muscles relax as you breathe out. Do it a couple more times, paying close attention to the exhale.

 
 

Pleasure Pause: Relax into Your Body: When you’re sitting, check with your body: are you holding yourself up by your muscles, or are you letting the seat hold you? If you find yourself tensing your muscles to hold yourself up, relax them and notice how good it feels to drop into the seat.

 

2. RELEASE

You’ve probably felt the power of release when you have a good cry, or laugh, or even a sneeze … not to mention an orgasm. While we can’t orchestrate a good cry or sneeze, and sometimes having an orgasm is not feasible in the moment, you can still enjoy the power of release through … laughing. the power of release? The moment when you’ve cried and feel so much better afterwards. Or the moment release - crying, laughing, orgasm.

We feel good when we laugh. According to Harvard research, hearty laughter can relieve tension and stress; boost the immune system, by reducing stress hormones and increasing activity among immune cells and antibodies; and help reduce the risk of heart attack and stroke, by improving blood flow and blood vessel function. And a good joke releases “feel good” neurotransmitters in the brain: dopamine, serotonin, and an array of endorphins.

A fully belly laugh or a smile, your body will thank you with pleasure.

 

Pleasure Pause: Your Daily Laugh. Subscribe to your favorite cat or dog video channel and pick one daily to watch in the morning. Or get it out when you feel particularly overwhelmed. You’ll feel light and funny and it’s a ritual that evokes laughter and lightness.

 

3. SENSUAL PLEASURE

Our senses as much deliver information to us about the external world as they also bring us pleasure. The pleasure of hearing your favorite music. The pleasure of tasting your favorite wine. The pleasure of feeling warmth.

And the only way to capture this pleasure is to slow down and notice it.

 

Pleasure Pause: Taste Your Food. Slow down to take in your food with all your senses. Our senses naturally produce pleasure for us from the food we eat (otherwise we would not be eating that food to begin with). Before you take a bite, look at your food. Allow your eyes to take in the colors and textures. Smell your food; try bringing it closer to your nose and taking in the aroma. Feel your food, taking a finger and pressing against it, checking out its texture. And finally taste it, slowly, taking in a small bite, and tasting it with different parts of your mouth. How does it taste when touched with the tongue? What do you feel at the top of your mouth? This is all pleasure and it’s in every bite!

 

4. SELF TOUCH

Our skin is our body’s biggest pleasure organ. In addition to regular nerves, we carry specialized nerve fibers, called C-tactile fibers, in skin. They are purely pleasure fibers and have a direct route to the brain.

Pleasure is literally all over our body, making touch is one of the most powerful ways to access it. And self touch is no exception.

Then there is this fact: according to Dr. Daniel Amen, in his book Sex on The Brain, women are about ten times more sensitive to the great sensations of soft touch than men are.

Accessing pleasure in your skin takes as little as slow down for momentary touch of your skin any time of day.

 

Pleasure Pause: Self Touch. Take a moment to gently touch your hands or stroke your face. Feel the contact between the skin of your fingers and the skin on another part of your body. Notice the sensations: do you feel warmth, softness, tingles? Stroke and continue feeling the sensation for just a few moments to access the deliciousness of touch.

 

5. MOVEMENT

All of nature is constantly moving and changing. We are movement, and movement is us. And it’s no wonder that ecstasy, the highest form of pleasure, is also rhythmic and pulsating in nature.

You can create a deep sense of pleasure by moving your body mindfully and waking the body up from stagnation.

 

Pleasure Pause: Cat/Cow. This gentle pose warms the body and brings flexibility to the spine while allowing movement in the body. You stretch the back torso and neck as you create the cat pose, arching your spine backwards. Then you open the chest, encouraging the breath to become slow and deep, as you make the cow pose. Do this on the floor or standing up. Coordinating this movement with your breath also calms the mind.

 

* BONUS: IMAGINING PAST/FUTURE MOMENTS OF PLEASURE

Our brain works in such a way that when we imagine or recall pleasurable situations, the brain attempts to simulate the responses that occurred or might occur when these situations actually happen. The brain releases the same chemicals, such as dopamine, serotonin and an array of endorphins, mimicking the pleasurable experience.

So imagine away how pleasure would feel … if you were in the arms of your beloved, bathing in touch exactly how you love it, or enjoying the moment of pleasure.

 

Pleasure Pause: Imagine a Moment of Pleasure. Take a moment to recall a cherished moment of pleasure from the past and really feel the experience as it becomes vivid in your mind. Can you still feel the moment on your body? Can you smell it? Can you taste it? Alternatively, imagine a future moment that you’d really enjoy. Allow it to come alive in your imagination, as if you’re truly there.

 

Enjoy these pleasure pauses and let me know what you think.

How has inhabiting your body changed life for you?

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: