Netflix Breaks Taboos on Female Pleasure — and Gets It Right

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Female sexual pleasure just got a spotlight in the mainstream media. And not as porn.

On October 21st, Netflix began streaming Sex, Love & Goop, a six-part docuseries produced by Gwyneth Paltrow and her wellness company.

Five brave couples — heterosexual and lesbian, ages ranging from their 30s to the 60s — allow film cameras to follow them into their intimate relationships. And sex.

Whenever there has been a show about sex in mainstream media, I’ve been disappointed. Same wrong assumptions, same wrong perceptions, same wrong advice.

But Netflix and Goop got it right this time.

Here are five groundbreaking things about the show that should make you breathe a sigh of relief, gather up your courage, and take these lessons into your bedroom.

 

1. Struggles with Making Love & Sex Work in a Long-term Committed Monogamous Relationship Are the Norm

The show spotlighted five courageous couples in a long-term monogamous relationship talking about their struggles with sexual desire, libido, painful sex and orgasm.

What is revolutionary is that it’s couples in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Not single people having sex.
Not cheating married couples.
Not polyamorous couples, either, just because it’s sensational and hot.

These are couples who break the taboos of what a “good and happy” relationship looks like by getting real and honest about what happens past the honeymoon stage. And they show how so often couples have no idea what to do when sex dies in a long-term relationship.

What’s different here is that these couples also courageously show a deep level of vulnerability, honesty and willingness in the name of improving their communication and their relationships.

And that’s revolutionary.

They share their troubles that most of us can easily relate to. And we all need to hear that. We need to know that we’re not alone in struggling with making sex and sexual desire last over the long haul.

We’re not alone in having no clue as to how to do love and sex in a long-term relationship.

And the challenges that the couples face are familiar to all of us.

There’s Damon and Erika, the couple with the classic “he’s very sexual” and “she must be broken sexually” dynamic.

You have the high libido man, who spontaneously gets horny, and the “low libido” woman who appears to be “sexually broken” or just “not very sexual.” He speaks those words and she believes him.

Sexual frequency and her interest in sex are the source of constant fights and discord. And when they do have sex, it leaves a lot to be desired for her. She’s only able to orgasm with a vibrator.

There’s Felicitas and Rama, the couple who lost themselves amidst responsibilities and needs of raising kids.

A mom run down by the demands of raising kids and a “needy” husband, who resorts from criticism and emasculation out of frustration to get her own needs met.

Along with losing respect for each other as individuals, they’ve also lost that erotic connection as lovers that led them to consider divorce.

There’s Camille and Shandra, a lesbian couple weighed down by religious shame on one side and stuck not knowing how to communicate what they want.

One woman is weighed down by the shame of her religious background, and the tension that it creates in her body translates to her shyness as well as painful intercourse. Her partner shares her hesitancy, stemming from body image issues and having learned to perform sexually and overriding her own discomfort. They want to connect, but at a loss of how.

There’s the older couple, Joie and Mike, with an apparent “mismatch in libidos” that shows up after the heat of the honeymoon stage dies out.

Twelve years into their relationship, they remember the hot and heavy, but have no idea how to recreate it. It appears that they have mismatched libidos, but digging deeper, Joie finds herself holding her sexual openness as she battles self-image challenges in coming to terms with her aging and changing body. And the pressure from her husband to be sexual doesn’t help either.

Finally …

There’s Sera and Dash, another lesbian couple for whom sex is not an issue (yet), but who tend to abandon their relationships when things get hard.

As a new couple, they’re preempting the potential trouble ahead by looking at their old patterns of running away from relationships when something challenging pops us. They look at past traumas, emotional wounds and attachment patterns that pull them away from each other and prevent them from coming closer together.

All of these are so very common.

We can all relate to almost every one of them.

Shame.
Lack of sexual desire.
Feeling sexually broken.
Pressure from a partner with an apparent higher libido.
Arguments and disconnect.
Disappointment.
Lack of confidence.
Painful sex.
Lack of orgasm.
Body shame.
Powerlessness to change things because of not knowing how.

And we all carry the challenges, whether in a heterosexual relationship, or a lesbian one. Young or old. 

These are the typical, normal, common and very real.

And in our society, we see these as women’s problems, women’s dysfunction — that often falls under the label of low libido.

And the fact the Netflix is highlighting these is revolutionary. It’s not only breaking taboos but it’s getting real about the causes and what they look like in actual relationships.

This is real. This is the norm. And we all need to know that.

…………..

The second groundbreaking part is …

2. Focus on Female Pleasure

Major focus.

In the show, we see two women having an orgasm — and it’s not porn.

More than that, it’s orgasms that are not a product of penis-in-vagina love making. It’s orgasms delivered purely for her pleasure, where she does not need to do anything but receive and enjoy.

It’s revolutionary.

Then you get a lesson in the female anatomy with the vulva puppet. It’s high time that the clitoris — with its 8,000 (!!!) nerve endings and as much erectile tissue as a penis — finally gets a prime-time showing.

The sex coaches in the show do not shy away from talking about women’s bodies as being worthy of worship, adoration and deep pleasure — for their own sake.

And again, this is revolutionary.

The fact that women’s pleasure is discussed outside of sensationalized sex scenes and porn made for the male gaze and enjoyment gives women and our sexual pleasure their rightful respect and legitimacy.

Our sexual pleasure as women can finally exist — for us.

How you get to that sexual pleasure is another piece that the show doesn’t shy away from addressing. Women are not fragile, but our libido and sexual pleasure do need the kind of sensitivity, attunement and patience that the sex coaches demonstrate.

We need sensuality.
We need play.
We need our bodies to be worshipped and admired and engaged into aliveness.

It’s the opposite of the kind of violence towards women and women’s bodies that we see in porn. And it’s more refined, sophisticated and nuanced than what we see in the movies.

Female sexual desire is not something that belongs in formulas or scripts, or you’ll get a scripted mechanical response. It’s about the natural connection between two human beings, in our most raw and vulnerable form, through touch and exquisite attention that gets the woman’s desire coming alive.

And the show gives real examples of what that can look like.

…………..

The third groundbreaking thing about the show is making it clear that …

3. Sex Is Emotions and Intimacy

So much of the sex we see in the media and movies is all about … sex. The moves. The clothes flying off. The raw sexual desire.

Here we see the intimate side of sex.

We see emotion.

We see tears, from a man no less.

We see vulnerability in admissions of shame.

We see softening between a couple who are finally able to open up to each other where there were walls before.

We see tears of release and being cracked open.

This is sex.

This is intimacy.

This is what we rarely get to see … and often times lack the ability to imagine. But this is the kind of richness of sex that we all crave for. The nourishment that we deeply want. The connection that we dream about.

Seeing this on the screen and knowing that it’s possible is a powerful message to send to couples. It is possible and you can have it.

…………..

The fourth groundbreaking thing about the show is normalizing that …

4. Getting Expert Support Grows Your Relationship

If it wasn’t for these intervention, these couples likely would have walked away … feeling broken. Maybe they would have broken up, maybe not. But they would have continued to blame themselves or each other — or their love for each other — for the disconnect they felt in their sex life.

Getting help in the name of growing your relationship is the most courageous thing you can do for yourselves and each other.

There is no shame in not knowing how to make love and sex work in a long-term relationship. None of us know.

I didn’t know either — which is how I got into sex coaching and why I do this work today.

There’s immense power in admitting that you need help and seeking out the support of an expert — someone who is not stuck with you in repeating cycles of shame, blame and disconnect.

And it’s important to do sex coaching work together as a couple.

Because sex in a long-term relationship is a couples issue. You’re a system and a dynamic that requires the participation of both partners and the openness of communication from both sides. That’s what a sex coach can help open up.

And that’s what we get to see on the show: couples breaking out of stuckness that they could not do on their own — and doing it in the safe hands of an expert coach.

…………..

And the fifth groundbreaking thing about the show is that you get to see what couples look like on the other side.

5. Intimacy Grows When We Tackle Hard Things

The softening you see on their faces is undeniable. When these brave couples admit to their deep fears or stay with the discomfort of doing something new, an often unimaginable to them relief appears.

It may be relief.
It may be surrender.
It may be sheer joy of not having to carry the fear and burden alone.

When couples get support and break through the hard patterns, they free up energy and joy that’s been bound up, sometimes for long periods of time, sometimes decades.

When they learn to use their voice to ask for what they want and to shape the experience of sex and touch to work for them, they feel empowered.

Where there were walls of self protection, there’s openness and joy.

They feel lighter and happier.

It’s real and it happens to be on the other side of looking at the hard things.

It’s something that I am so honored and privileged to experience every single day. I get to support couples through the toughest moments in their relationship — and witness this softening and joy. And it’s what life, love and sex are all about.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:

All rights to the photograph used in this post to go Netflix and all respective owners.