When Low Libido Is Simply Common Sense

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I am going to go straight to the point and name the elephant in the room about women’s sexual desire:

In most modern-day long-term relationships, women’s low libido is simply common sense.

In fact, it’s good sense. Very good sense.

It’s the woman’s responsive sexual desire appropriately responding to a lack of critical elements that she requires to want to open up sexually to her partner.

Her body and sexuality are simply reflecting what her soul already knows. 

It’s no sexual dysfunction — as in, something whose functioning has been impaired or turned abnormal. You know the kind: she cannot or won’t get turned on when and as she should be.

When three essential elements (that I will talk about shortly) are missing in the relationship, her low libido is exactly the right response that her body, heart and soul should be having in these circumstances — even though society believes that she should be responding otherwise.

Back in 2021, I sent out a poll to thousands of women in my community to select which expression of low libido most reflects their experience. I’ve included the top 10 below.

It’s no surprise that they map to the three essential areas that I’ve identified and used effectively to help women get their desire back in a long-term relationship. Read to the bottom of the article to learn about these three areas and how you can shift things around.

 

Top 10 situations where low libido is simply common sense

These percentages are relative and don’t add up to 100%, as each person was able to select five choices.

The good news is that 100% of them are solvable and completely reversible. I offer tips and links to other articles where you can find more guidance on how to solve this.

#1: 39.4%

Sex feels like so much hard work because it takes so long for me to “get in the mood” after a heroically busy day. I barely even have a moment to myself in peace, and I have no sexual energy to give to my partner even though I really love him and want to show him my love. It’s been like this for years that I have not felt sexual.

  • Being exhausted and having no time to yourself is plenty reason to prefer to be alone or to rest instead of having sex. It’s the healthy thing to do. Because sexual energy is energy all the same, taking care of your own energy needs to be put into place before you can regain your interest in sex. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense for the body to shut down when you have nothing more to give.

#2: 37.9%

I cannot relax or turn my mind off during sex, and I can’t get into it at all. Then it’s just all performance and hard work for me, while he gets to enjoy himself. I definitely don’t crave sex; it’s more that I dread it.

  • Not being able to relax or turn your mind off is a typical experience for many overworked, overstimulated and overtaxed women, especially if you’re a highly sensitive person. By not being able to relax during sex, your body is screaming that it’s not ready yet, and that it needs rest and a process to de-armor emotionally and physically before it can be available to engage sexually. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense.

#3: 31.8%

I don’t remember the last time we were romantic with each other — it’s all parent talk, house responsibilities, what each of us have done wrong, and work stuff. I don’t feel cherished, adored or like a woman, and wanting him sexually is the last thing on my mind.

  • While romantic connection may not be a prerequisite for sexual desire for a tryst when you’re a single woman, that lover connection with a committed partner is a must-have for sexual desire in a long-term relationship. If you’re not showing up with each other as lovers in your relationship, it is naturally going to be reflected in your (lack of) sexual desire. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense to not want to engage sexually in someone you don’t feel close or romantic with (and potentially harbor resentment about it too). It’s important for couples to intentionally build in daily doses of connection, be it heart to heart or genitals to genitals.

#4: 31.6%

My partner wants sex all the time, talks about wanting sex with me all the time, and I am under pressure to match his libido but nothing I do or want is ever enough. I never feel like I want sex and just do it to avoid the next fight or his bad mood.

  • Not feeling good enough for your partner is not sexy. There’s nothing wrong with your libido if that makes you recoil and put up a wall; it’s just common sense to not want to engage when you feel pressured — especially if it comes on the heels of being exhausted, disconnected and resentful about it all. It’s important to acknowledge, name and heal the emotional wounds that naturally happen when couples get stuck in negative cycles where one person is not enough.

#5: 24.2%

My partner thinks that me not wanting sex as much as he does is my problem to fix alone. The more he tells me this, the less I want sex with him.

  • When you feel “less than” compared to your partner, it’s not going to make you feel excited to have sex with them. At the very least, it’s going to leave you feeling alone and disconnected. At a deeper level, it’s going to make it even less safe to be sexual with each other as that sense of contempt can only poison the connection between you. You no longer feel emotionally safe in the relationship to open up, just to comply. In this scenario, if your libido takes a nosedive, there’s nothing wrong with you; it’s just common sense that it would shut down further. Bringing your partner on board means that you can create the kind of emotional safety together and find ways to come closer.

#6: 22.7%

In the beginning, I had a strong sexual desire for my husband, but sex itself was disappointing. I wanted it to be something more than just the same routine and the motions, but I didn’t know how to say it or what to ask for (more of what?). At some point, I gave up and resigned to never having the sex I like. I don’t crave it anymore now. I focus on other areas of our relationship.

  • If the quality of the sex you’re having is not worth wanting, it will be natural and healthy for you to not want more of it. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense. When you talk about sex and express what you want, you have a chance to turn around around and shape your sexual experience to work for you.

#7: 22.3%

I don’t feel good about myself and/or my body and don’t want to show it to anyone through sex. It’s exposure I don’t want.

  • Feeling good about yourself means that you can actually feel good inside — and that’s a prerequisite to feeling sexy. If you practice self-loathing, self-criticism, and second-guessing about your body, shape and who you are, it’s natural that you will want to separate yourself from you. In this scenario, here’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense to shut down parts of your sexuality when you shut down parts of yourself. Finding your way back to your body is an important first step to welcoming back your sexuality too.

#8: 19.7%

Intercourse or penetrative sex has been painful for me, so I bear it long enough for my husband to come and get it over with. I can definitely be without sex for the rest of my life.

  • Sex hurts for a reason. It’s a powerful signal that your body does not want more of what is happening and is begging you to stop. Participating in more sex that hurts means dishonoring your body, forcing it to endure what it is protesting against. If you do not want sex again after experience pain, there’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense. Understand your own arousal and physiology, and use your voice to change how you come into sexual intercourse on your terms, in a way that honors your body, heart and soul. It might be increasing your daily connection, taking more time to play with each other’s bodies, introducing talking about what you want, building up your senses, or introducing touch that will help you de-armor. All contribute to the de-armorning process and becoming aroused and are key to making the body open to sex on its own terms, never forced. Sex should never hurt. Ever.

#9: 17.7%

I don’t feel respected or appreciated by partner for what I do at home. When he “expects” sex from me, I feel so used. I do not think about sex or want it.

  • Carrying the mental burden of home life — on top of work and the relationship — is exhausting. When you don’t feel appreciated or have your experience cared about on top of that, it’s natural to build emotional walls and protect yourself. It’s natural to pull away sexually or shutdown altogether. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense. Being appreciated and seen is part and parcel of having a deep emotional connection, which is one of the critical elements of sexual desire in a long-term relationship for women.

#10 tie: 16.7%

Sex has never felt safe for me because it has always been full of pressure to do more than I want to or ready to. It’s too anxiety-producing, so I avoid it by keeping myself busy in other ways. I prefer to cuddle or avoid physical touch to keep it safe.

  • Having sex on your terms is not just important to have great sex — it’s about being able to feel a sense of personal integrity and having a voice in what happens to you and your body. If you’re had to endure sex under pressure or do more than what you wanted or were able to do, I am so sorry. That kind of lack of safety is enough to make you shut down fully. There’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense that you would not want to put yourself in more harm’s way. It is important to work with a professional who can help you create a safe environment within your relationship to make sex about shared pleasure, not just one person’s.

#10 tie: 16.7%

My husband stopped being affectionate and playful with me, and I don’t feel desired or sexually desirable — and I don’t feel sexual at all now. I find that my sexual desire disappeared when he stopped.

  • Sometimes unconsciously because of stress, other times consciously because of latent resentment, when men pull away their playfulness and affection, it chokes any ability of the woman to get turned on. That’s because that ease, playfulness and affection are the very elements that make it possible for her responsive sexual desire to be turned on in the first place. If you find it even harder to find your sexual desire when your partner pulls away, there’s nothing wrong with your libido; it’s just common sense. The cycle of pulling away needs to be broken for you to find safety in the relationship again and rebuild connection practices in your relationship.

Out of the 28 other ways that low libido shows up for women, these were also top selections:

  • Chronic pain that robs you of any ability to relax and open to sexual connection, and medications can chemically reduce desire to be touched or experience sexual arousal.

  • Childbirth affects women’s bodies and psyche’s deeply and changes their relationship to themselves and their body, not to mention their partner.

  • Different schedules make emotional connection difficult and remove the space and time to make physical connection a priority.

  • If you have never orgasmed with a partner (or ever at all), sex can feel like a frustrating experience. If sex is not working for you, it will be good reason to not want it.

  • Various forms of being overwhelmed, busy and exhausted significantly drain her cup and contribute to a woman’s ability to be open sexually with a partner.

 

In all of these situations, low libido is the healthy response.

Your body is simply reflecting what your soul already knows that it needs:

  • Safety

  • Stopping your cup from leaking more energy

  • A sense of aliveness and deep satisfaction that comes from a full cup

I am going to break down what I mean by each of these here.

What is safety?

There are different levels of safety that we need. The obvious one is safety from physical harm. You need to feel safe from violence as well as unwanted sexual activity, as well as being harmed through sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy.

There is more subtle psychological safety from a partner:

  • Feeling heard and understood when you share something

  • Your partner taking your concern seriously and making changes

  • Being able to ask for what you want without humiliation, derision or being dismissed

  • Accountability and consistency from a partner in doing what they say they will do and when

  • Hurt feelings acknowledged and repaired by partner taking responsibility for contributing to them

  • Freedom from pressure to do something you don’t want to do, as well as manipulation and threats

Lastly, there is inner psychological safety within yourself:

  • Being compassionate to yourself

  • Feeling empowered to say “no” to what you don’t want

  • Asking for what you want

  • Listening to what you need and acting upon getting what you need

Intimacy request us to find our own psychological safety within ourselves and with each other. It’s about being safe to open your hearts to each other, while opening your genitals. Short of that, sex is just rubbing genitals. For women for whom intimacy and connection are a critical element of their turn-on with their partner, these are key.

Stop the leaking cup

Just for a moment, imagine what would having more energy do for you? What would be available for you if you felt refreshed and enlivened? What would be possible if your body felt more pleasure and joy?

The reality is that the modern woman is leaking more energy than she is putting back into herself on a regular basis. That means that women have a chronic deficit of energy that no yearly vacation can solve. It affects all aspects of life, from moods, to the ability to parent calmly and be present, to the energy to do professional work. Most critically, it affects self confidence and ability to take joy in your own life. And that affects and sexuality.

It is hard — if not impossible — to open up sexually and give generously if you have no energy to give to another person. You can do out of obligation or by forcing yourself to get in them mood, but you cannot open up joyfully and give generously.

Now, stopping the leaking is not an individual sport. In a relationship, it’s important to create an infrastructure that supports you in getting what you need as much as your partner getting what they need. That means partnering together with your partner to discuss sharing responsibilities and getting time off so that you can get what you need, and he what he needs. This is a work of the couple, not an individual burden — but it needs to be led by you.

Fill up your cup

Scrap all of the prescriptions for masturbation and porn to get turned on. This isn’t about sex!

Tune into your body and soul to find out what you need to feel radiant, full and open from the inside. Sexuality will follow.

For some women, it’s about finding daily quiet to be with herself. For others, it’s connecting deeply to girlfriends. For others, it’s their hobbies such as pottery or art. For others, it’s allowing themselves to dance uninhibited and letting her body move. And for others, it’s finally having uninterrupted, one-on-one quality time with their partner to connect and just be with each other. Or, all of the above.

Learn about yourself and what you deeply desire that will bring aliveness to you and what touches your soul. It does not have to be productive — in fact, the less productive the better. Do it because you want to do it for its sake because it feels good to do it, not because it produces a result.

When it comes to the filling your cup in the relationship, equally important is creating your unique couple habits together where you open up sexually with your partner at your pace and time. It could be through connected sensual touch, or exploring each other’s bodies, or taking time to talk about your dreams and desires. This is about building intimacy that nourishes you and fills your cup of connection.

In situations where low libido is simply common sense, these three fundamental areas are deeply lacking.

The good news is that you have the power to change that. 

When you don’t want to have sex, your libido is in fact speaking. Listen to it. Find out what it needs to make these aspects of your life fulfill you, so that you can come alive.

Take your lack of interest in sex as a call to action to move you towards creating fulfillment in your relationship with your beloved. 

That means that things need to change. Priorities need to be shifted. Skills need to be learned. Difficult conversations need to be had. And for many couples in this situation, deep emotional repair needs to happen first for both partners to put down the walls that prevent changes from taking place.

Will you heed the call of your low libido?

Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.

When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: