Why Your Partner Won’t Get Couples Counseling and How to Get Them On Board

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Classic scenario: one partner pleads to get professional help for the relationship and their sex problem while the other scoffs at the idea.

The rejecting partner might brush off needing help with a sarcastic comment or a joke. 

They might ignore requests altogether, changing the subject. 

Or they might retort with a “We’re fine!”, dismissing the need for anything to be different altogether.

Or they blame you for the problem and make you responsible for fixing it.

Or they insist that they can fix the issue on their own.

This can be disheartening — especially if you’re the person who is struggling disproportionately with the status quo and wants things to change.

As a couples coach, I see this all the time in the emotion-packed requests that come every month from from partnered people whose partner is not on board. Because problems of sexual desire are a couples issue, I do not work with partnered people without their partners (for reasons that I will share in a future article) and it’s heartbreaking to have to reject those for whom professional help can mean the difference between a fulfilling relationship and divorce. If this is you, I hope that this article will give you insights and tools to work with your situation to get to a place where your partner is on board.

Why might a person reject seeking couples counseling in the form of couples coaching or therapy?

First, there are cultural tendencies and norms that prevent people from getting outside help for something that they deem to be a private family matter. Your couples sex life is seen as something private and should be figured out on your own. In macho cultures in particular, getting help for a man might also come across as a sign of weakness and thus must be avoided.

But cultural norms are not the only thing holding people back.

The second group of reason reflects the couples relational dynamics, which have a much greater influence on whether a partner will be on board for getting support. 

Let’s look at 7 specific relational scenarios. The first two are usually out of your hands in terms of being able to do something about. The last five, however, provide hope to changing things around. For each of these, I provide tools to help you find common language with your partner to bring them on board.

 

1. Your partner might be “emotionally divorced” or “checked out” of the relationship.

Because many couples seek counseling a whopping 6 years into relationship distress, according to John Gottman, there is often a lot pain, resentment and hurtful words and actions that wear people out by the time they have a chance to work on it. Someone who feels “done” with the relationship might show signs of apathy and not feel compelled to work on the relationship that they deem to be dead to them. They are likely to ignore requests to see a counselor or flatly reject them altogether.

What to do: There may not be anything that can be done if a partner is truly done with the relationship. However, you can learn from this and get information about where they are. If you sense that there is apathy in your partner’s voice and approach, you might want to ask your partner if they’re done with the relationship or if there is still something that they wish to change about it. It is important information to have, even though it may be heartbreaking hard to hear.

** On the flip side, it can also be that you are the partner who is done and do not want to work on the relationship. You might be exhausted from trying hard to fix this on your own for so many years.

2. Your partner shows straight-up contempt and believes that you’re the sole cause of the problem and the one responsible for fixing it.

The hallmark of contemptuous behavior is an expression of disgust towards your partner and their actions coming from a sense of superiority. It can come across in exclamations such as “Why would anyone do something like that? I can’t believe you did that.” It can be sarcastic comments that cut a person down. It could be belittling and comparing to a child, “Even a child could do better than you.”

It is often paired with a belief that the problems in the relationship are solely your fault and that you should be responsible for fixing them by yourself.

It naturally follows that it’s nearly impossible to compel someone to invest in relationship counseling and learn different ways of relating when they believe that they have no responsibility for their share of the problem.

What to do: If your partner is rejecting working on the relationship from a contemptuous place, there is little that can be done to change their mind. The process of taking responsibility for your own actions is an internal one that must be arrived internally. For you, however, consider the toll of being in a relationship where you’re blamed for all its problems and your needs are not taken seriously. If nothing changed for a year or two, or 10, what would be the cost to you and your mental, emotional and physical health if you could not get your needs met?

3. Your partner dismisses the need for couples counseling with “Things are fine. I am fine.”

This common reason a person might dismiss working on the relationship looks like a defensive response meant to preserve things and avoid change on the surface. It looks like they’re thinking: “If I insist that things are fine, we don’t need to do anything about them or make any changes, which are threatening.”

But there is more than meets the eye. Usually the partner who dismisses request for getting help with “Things are fine” is defending more than the status quo. They’re defending themselves against further criticism and shaming that has come from the partner who wants change — which usually comes in the form of you meticulously laying out the problem from so many angles and pointing out all the ways that your partner is not showing up and how that needs to change.  Add sarcasm and a few contemptuous comments that show disgust over the partner’s behavior, and you have a toxic cocktail that is guaranteed to illicit a massive defense or denial response every time. The criticized partner shuts down to protect themselves from further criticism and the partner seeking change becomes even more incensed by the withdrawal and ups the ante on the complaining, firmly trapping them in the cycle that gets more and more vicious with time.

As such, it is hard work to repair the hurt inflicted by criticism at the same time as addressing the legitimate complaints of the other partner. While this is not an impossible scenario to shift and rebuild open and productive communication, it often requires intense expert couples therapy to help break out of this toxic pattern — which is of course difficult to achieve if the criticized partner resists going to therapy to begin with.

What to do: First, reduce the complaining and find ways to communicate what you need vulnerably and clearly. Here is a template to convert criticism to requests that your partner can hear and respond to. This is not a magic pill, but it will stop feeding the vicious cycle and can lead to more open conversations about what you need, including seeking help. Once your partner’s wall is lowered, you will have an opening to bring up what you need (see the next point) and also how the refusal to get help is affecting you. At this point, they may be able to hear your request and need for professional help in a different way.

4. Your partner has no idea what the problem really is or how urgent it is.

You might have complained a lot about what’s not working. You might have thrown around hints on what you want or strategically placed articles or books you want your partner to read. You might have specifically looked for a couples counselor and told your partner you want to work with them.

Yet it’s not working.

There is one thing missing here — an accurate picture of the magnitude of the emotional pain of the problem that you’re experiencing and what you want instead.

“I have been so distressed over our sex problem that I can’t sleep at night. Every morning I wake up dreading you rolling over and kissing me, and not wanting sex. I bristle when you touch me, and I hate myself for it because I don’t want to do that to you. And I don’t know how to even begin to tell you what I want so I am constantly disappointing you and feeling disappointed in myself. I love you and want to be close to you, but seeing that I can’t find a way to break out of old patterns without help, I don’t see being able to do that any time soon. And nothing that you have tried helped, even though I know you mean well. I get it that getting couples counseling is not something that you’ve wanted to do in the past. The thing is that I am hurting without it; I don’t see our fights getting easier and I am starting to lose hope that we can break out of this cycle. I need your help in seeking external support to break out of this cycle that’s hurting me so much. Will you join me?”

What’s happening here is an expression of:

  • The pain: I can’t sleep at night, I bristle at your touch, I am disappointed in myself, I can’t break out of old patterns on my own.

  • The desire: I want to be close to you, I want to break out of the pattern, I want to learn what I want.

  • Urgency: Every morning I wake up dreading, I don’t see being able to do that any time soon, The thing is that I am hurting without it; I don’t see our fights getting easier and I am starting to lose hope that we can break out of this cycle.

  • The request: Will you join me?

When you frame the conversation about you and what you need, versus about the merits of getting a counselor, it shifts from a practical decision to a personal, intimacy building one. When you name your fears, you open up to your partner about why fixing the problem is important to you and how urgent it is.

And most importantly, when you ask them to join you, you invite them to partner with you, as a team. Saying “I’d love for you to do …” is not enough.

If you’re new to vulnerable and open communication (and it feels intimidating, even scary), use this free template to workshop your request before you talk to your partner about getting personalized professional help for your relationship and sex life.

5. Your partner may not be on board because they’re scared.

Yes, working on the relationship can be scary, vulnerable, and exposing.

  • If you’ve relied all your life on hiding your feelings, it can feel scary to open up in fear of being engulfed by your own strong feelings.

  • If you’re full of anger and resentment inside, it can feel scary to be forced to open up because you fear exploding in rage and hurting your partner with your anger.

  • If you have been hurt deeply and that left a traumatic scar, you might fear re-trigger old wounds that you’ve been working so hard to heal.

And it can be incredibly scary to reveal all of that in front of your partner, especially when things are not going so well.

  • It can feel scary risking going to a counselor who might not be fair and take sides against you.

  • It might feel scary to envision that you might be told that you’re broken beyond measure or that you won’t make it as a couple.

  • It might feel scary to go to an outsider who you assume will tell you to do things you don’t want to do.

Yes, it can feel scary to do couples counseling for many reasons — and the reality is that most people do not know how to be with their fears. They either deny they exist or act on them by avoiding risks altogether, which in many cases unfortunately means letting the relationship die instead of facing something that’s scary.

What to do: If you suspect that fear is the reason why your partner refuses to get couples counseling for your relationship and sex problem, not all is lost. You need a compassionate and safe approach to create a safe space for them to open up about their fears. It starts by you opening up vulnerably yourself about your needs, desires and fears (via this template) and inviting your partner to share theirs.

The more curious and non-judgemental you are, the more they will feel safe and their resistance will go down. Go slowly and release the need to pressure your partner to get to a decision right away. This may take several conversations or more. The key: the more vulnerable and accepting you are that this is sensitive for them, the more you send the signal that it is safe to approach scary stuff together — and that can extend to being able to open up in the safety of a trusted couples counselor.

6. Your partner may not want couples counseling because they’re overwhelmed and don’t have the headspace for it.

Overwhelm in life is the most common modern ailment and source of much of the cycles of depression and anxiety. For parents of young kids, being overwhelmed by the demands of childcare, full time careers, and years of chronic exhaustion — all at once — creates little to no space to focus on anything else. Add financial challenges and health issues to it, and fixing the relationship might be literally the last thing on their to do list.

Unfortunately, that is the state of most couples in the modern world today. It makes sense to let the relationship, sex and intimacy slide because you are forced to fix bigger fires first. You literally live day to day, in a flight/flight state of being, where thinking about sex, intimacy and the relationship feels too daunting to even try.

This overwhelm typically affects women disproportionately, particularly moms during child-raising years. It is not unusual for women to delay focusing on sex and intimacy until the children are out of the house and they have more headspace to focus on something else.

What to do: First, if your partner is overwhelmed, acknowledge it. Name it and show compassion towards it. Often times, it is the sheer avoidance or ignoring of this fact that pushes people to resist working on the relationship.

Second, LISTEN to their objections. Get curious about them and ask them questions. Even if your experience is different, be willing to hear theirs without snarky or judgemental comments, or overriding them with how your experience might be.

Third, consider this. Women’s sexual desire is very dependent on the context: the circumstances of the relationship, her energy levels, whether she feels supported at home, whether she has space to breathe in her life. And most likely, you have a role in that overwhelm, whether you intend to or not. Going to counseling to fix her desire problem without addressing the source and solution to the overwhelm is going to fail. Your role in that overwhelm and your role in the solution are key. This needs to be a solid and major part of the conversation and your reasons for why you want counseling — so that the source and solution to the overwhelm are addressed together, before the discussion to get sex & intimacy coaching or therapy for your desire or sex problem can even begin. If your counselor does not offer this comprehensive approach, it will do little to solve the sex problem in any meaningful long-term way.

7. Your partner believes they can fix the issue on their own.

This is one of the most common reasons why people (mostly men) don’t seek professional support, rooted in the sense of responsibility for the happiness of their partner. The thinking goes: “If my job is to make my partner happy, then I am the one who should be able to MAKE MY PARTNER HAPPY. I will figure out our relationship by myself. If I fail to do that and have to rely on an outsider, I have failed.”

He wants to be the hero in the relationship, responsible for saving it. While it’s a beautiful and noble cause to take responsibility for the entire relationship and their partner’s happiness, in practicality, it works in the opposite way.

The intention and commitment to making their partner happy does not make one qualified to address relationship challenges – it is not a substitute for years of studying, training, supervision, certification, and experience adding up to 25,000+ hours needed to do see the blind spots, recommend different course of action, and hand-hold the couple through the ups and downs of the process until they replace old destructive habits with new ones.

What has men in particular (stubbornly) hang on to this reason has to do with the painful sense of shame and disappointment in themselves that they feel when they consider that they failed the relationship and their partner. They see it as having failed being the hero. And this is especially true if the relationship contains a lot of criticism from their spouse and even lightly contemptuous and shaming remarks such as “A child can do better than you,” which send the signal that he is definitely not the hero. That accumulated sense of shame over takes their logic and rationality, and they do everything to avoid it, to the detriment of the relationship. By holding out, they delay getting help to a bleeding wound, which bleeds out faster and faster the more time goes by. Neither person gets what they need and in the end, they create the very scenario that would guarantee that they are a failure, not just feel like one.

What to do: If you’re in a relationship with a man who is grasping to the idea that he can fix this on his own, consider this. He means well and it’s coming from noble intentions — and he needs to know that. Acknowledge what you see. Name it. Even though there are serious behaviors/patterns that you want to change or fix in or with your partner, identify ways that he was already been the hero in the relationship and let him know that he has already succeeded with you in other ways. Be clear that he will be successful with you if he seeks outside help together with you (and that if anything, you see him not seeking out help to be a path to failure). Invite him to join you in something that would support his efforts to make you happy. Practice asking for what you want instead of using shame and criticism to point out what is not working. Then, use the worksheet to help yourself open up and find vulnerable words to describe what you need and how your partner can support you.

 

Getting couples counseling in the form of coaching or therapy for your relationship and sex problem is a brave choice.

At the very least, it can prevent further damage to the relationship by breaking cycles of relationship-destructive behaviors that drain energy and affect all aspects of life, including how present you can be with your children, at work and in life. At best, it can set you up on the trajectory of nourishing the relationship and each other with deep emotional and physical connection that leaves you feeling energized, satisfied and full of aliveness.

Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: