How to Regain Interest in Sex After Having a Baby
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Being a mother is one of the most amazing things in the world … seeing your baby smile … trading sleepless nights to soothe them at night … watching them grow up into individuals … all of these bring so much joy and delight.
Creating this with a partner and feeling like you can do anything together is the cherry on top.
So it may come as a shock if you find yourself wondering, will I ever want sex again with my partner again?
Or worse, you might find yourself dreading your partner’s attempts to initiate sex and wishing that it did not exist at all.
That’s a far cry from the passion and excitement of the hot “can't get enough of each other" sex you had when you were first seeing each other.
It’s natural to ask yourself:
Why did I change?
Why am I not feeling the same way?
Why can’t I be like what I was at the beginning of the relationship?
When a woman doesn't get definitive answers to these questions, she starts thinking there is something wrong with her.
She looks in the mirror and sees a “sexually broken” person.
What she doesn't see is that the standards and expectations women set for themselves are too unrealistic … to be met by anyone.
These expectations — and the myths behind them — pathologize and make wrong the natural changes in the libido for women after childbirth as well as the resulting mismatch in libido that occurs between partners and that often continues into the later years of child rearing.
Confusion and frustration lead to pressure, which turns women off even more.
All the while, the man is growing hungrier for sex and connection that she cannot give.
And that’s when there comes a clash!
Lack of sexual desire and mismatched libidos are some of the biggest and most common issues for new parents. They cast a dark shadow over the joy and love of having children. And if left unresolved in the first years of parenthood, they can lead to even more conflict later in the relationship.
Recovering your libido after childbirth is no easy task — and neither is it a task for the woman alone.
The issues of sex with and sexual desire for your partner in a relationship cannot be addressed independently — precisely because sex with and sexual desire for your partner cannot be separated from the person that you’re with.
They must be addressed together, even if only one person is struggling.
If you want to boost your intimacy and libido after having kids (or, if you’re a man, to understand your partner better), then read on. This blog is perfect for you!
Why Moms Feel Sexually "Broken"
Simply put, our societal and scientific understanding of women’s sexuality is based on what it looks like when a woman is free of responsibilities, has all the time in the world, and is being romanced by her partner with attention, affection and love all the time.
You know … the way it was before she had children.
Once you have kids, it's not just the children. You've got responsibilities, hormones, exhaustion, worries, scarring from childbirth, possibly pain, and identity change to name a few. It's hard not to break down in those moments, or feel broken.
It’s a far cry from the sexual self you were before.
And in situations where the man wants sex more than the woman, her desire looks even worse off. The disparity amplifies the difference and the shame she feels inside.
She looks and feels “broken.”
Truth is, most couples are not equipped to weather the storm of parenthood when it comes to sex. Their expectations are built on what it looks like when they were single or the way things were in the beginning of a relationship — neither of which are real reflections of how things actually are in a long-term relationship.
The common strategy is to try to get back to the way things were.
But there is no way back.
The only way is forward.
And the healthy way forward is to understand what is actually normal and equip your relationship with the tools you need to handle the changes and trials of life.
That certainly goes for sexual desire.
Now, the real question are:
Why do women look sexually broken, aside from the unexpected changes of entering the parenthood life?
What made them lose their sexual desire?
Here are three reasons why it looks like women are sexually deficient:
1. Being a Mother Changes a Woman
This reality is not recognized by those closest to her, leaving her very confused and hard on herself regarding her body and experience.
There's no denying it: After giving birth, a woman’s body changes and so does her brain (which is why there is even a term for it: “The Maternal Brain”). Different priorities pull for her attention. Different chemical and physical reactions impact her body.
Life with a newborn is starkly different than single life, or even married with children. The person you were then is not the person you are now.
A tiny human being who needs attention 24/7 and all other errands of your new life as a mother require all of your attention.
Your body is not your own. You get over touched, over stimulated and have no time for yourself.
And these changes can be described as “unwelcome” in your new journey as a family.
The thing is that we don’t take time as a society to acknowledge that motherhood changes everything. And that makes women feel broken when they experiences these inevitable changes.
Women compare themselves to how they used to be and try to go back to the way they were, which of course fails, so on top of being broken, they feel like failures.
The worst and most damaging part to the relationship and their sex life?
Despite all women’s efforts to self-reflect, they remain silent about their needs to their male partners due to the fact that they fear being viewed negatively by men.
Thus men don’t know what to change or do things differently. Women end up feeling terribly alone through it all.
And all of these lead to her burning out.
2. Burnout Is Not Sexy
Women like to assume that we’re superwomen who can do it all …
Cook breakfast for the family. Prepare the clothes for the day. Clean the entire house.
Go to work. Meet deadlines. Attend meetings.
Help with homework. Cook dinner. Do the dishes.
Handle the mental, emotional and physical load for everyone and everything and all the time.
And so the classic scenario plays out.
As the day ends, and she crawls into bed, drained ... she still expect herself to be sexual, just because her husband is able to do that.
Yet it’s one myth after another!
You’re running an engine on empty and expecting peak performance.
Trust me, I believe that women can do everything. But running on an empty engine is ensuring that you fail at everything you try. It’s insanity at its best.
Burnout for moms is real. And it’s not sexy.
And if a woman does not feel sexy, she is going to have a hard time being sexually open.
Mom burnout is a significant cause of lack of desire, lack of passion, and lack of sexual connection for women.
Women know this intuitively: the more exhausted we are, the less we have to give.
Less energy, less sexuality, less of your body.
It looks like it’s personal. But it’s not.
Believing in the “superwoman” myth creates a lot of damage because women are judging themselves against an impossible standard.
And when we expect so much without getting support, or even talk about it with our partners, we withhold critical information from our partners about what we actually really need to survive, much less thrive.
We set ourselves — and our partners — up for failure.
We run on empty, then blame ourselves.
And naturally, so many negative thoughts linger in our minds…
Why am I not able to connect with my partner?
Why am I not able to relax at the end of the day?
Why can’t I enjoy sex the way I used to when I was younger?
Why don’t I feel the same was now as when we were just dating?
When in fact, the real question is … how could you?
Nobody has the energy for doing all that — and it’s okay.
The key is what you do with this information.
When I work with moms, I challenge them to shift the thought of “there’s something wrong with me” to “there’s nothing wrong with me, my body is having a very healthy response to running on empty, and I just need to focus on filling my tank and feeding my libido!”
Related Podcasts
Interview with mom and daughter team Marti & Erin Erickson of the Mom Enough podcast on the myths that affect moms + ways women & their partners can become lovers again.
Listen to my HER Playbook Podcast interview about sex in a monogamous relationship, including juicy tidbits relating to talking to kids about sex and carving time out as parents.
THIS is something that you can do.
It’s the start of reclaiming you and meeting your needs as the woman you are.
And that includes taking time for yourself, and reclaiming your body for you (not just for your kids or partner).
Take time to slow down and not be responsible for anyone but yourself. Time to just do nothing — like sleep or be lazy.
All of these together feed your libido and impact your sexual availability.
In fact, a recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found for each additional hour of sleep a woman has, it increased the likelihood of her having sex by 14%.
The conditions that lead to mom’s burnout is where men need to be involved too, and that I talk in the next section.
3. Her “responsive” sexual desire is responding to burnout, fatigue, worries, being over touched, and lack of connection and intimacy with her partner in the most healthy way — by shutting down.
The reason women look broken sexually? It’s because we compare ourselves to men whose sexual desire is generally spontaneous and not as affected by the changes of childbirth or child rearing.
The moment their partner comes into their thoughts, men feel aroused and can get ready for sex, literally within a couple of minutes.
Sounds crazy, but that’s the truth for most men.
Hence this expectation that women place on themselves: “I should be able to get in the mood for sex right away … because my husband can.”
It doesn't help that our society amplifies this myth that sexual desire looks one way — which happens to be the way sexual desire looks for most men. Spontaneous.
The reality is — women’s bodies are equipped differently.
Women’s sexual desire is responsive — and it’s responding to various things in her environment.
During early years of child rearing, and even for years after, her sexual libido is more affected by burnout, fatigue, worries, being over touched, lack of connection and intimacy with her partner than by her sexual lust and attraction to her partner.
If you’re not paying attention to what a woman is responding to — and expecting her to spontaneously be excited for sex — she will automatically come out looking (and judging herself) as broken.
She feels alone.
She feels unseen.
And she feels a lot of pressure.
And that shuts down her libido.
This is in fact the most healthy way that a “responsive” libido would act.
The woman is not getting the nutrients her libido needs for it to be awake and excited for sex. She is not broken. She is in fact, very healthy!
However, the most challenging thing here is that couples naturally find themselves with mismatched desires and at a loss as to what to do.
They may get stuck gridlocked in arguments, or shut down and distanced from each other — options that further distance the couple and make her “responsive” sexual desire respond further in the opposite direction.
These gridlock cycles are common for many couples. They leave both people feeling misunderstood and uncared about — and can create deeper rifts that impact them for years (or decades) to come.
Which is why this is an area where both partners — women and the men that love them — need to come together to create a dynamic that honors both people’s needs of parenting.
Role of Men in Recovering Women's Libido
Having a baby changes the relationship, the journey, the responsibilities.
It changes everything.
You are no longer the couple you were in the beginning — when there were no responsibilities, and you could spend hours dreaming and making love.
A lot of women feel a major disconnect from their pre-pregnancy sexual selves and some men find this confusing, as they still see her just the same in her old sexual way.
No one sees these changes except yourself — because they’re happening on the inside. The fears and worries. The critical negative thoughts. The endless spinning that breeds hopelessness and despair.
Couples need to approach these changes together: to talk about the feelings, the pent up resentments, and the real needs of both people.
Just because the woman is the one who’s struggling, it doesn't mean she has to face the issue alone.
If she were left to deal with this matter alone, it will backfire for both partners.
She needs him to be on board.
Men, as women’s partners, play an important role in the process of regaining women’s libidos, especially after childbirth.
Because satisfying sex that’s based on genuine desire for each other is a partnership — not a singles game.
Your goal is to create a relationship — an infrastructure — that supports both partners. Where both have the support they need for their expression of libido.
Where it’s an intentional effort.
I am talking about an infrastructure that focuses on needs — the different needs of each partner and the sex you want to have together.
But that won’t happen if you don’t understand or talk to each other. It won’t happen if you don’t verbalize your side of the experience and are not able to ask for what you need.
The truth is men and women experience the world — and sexual desire — very differently. We don’t see what the other side sees. And many assumptions miss out on the very important aspects of our experiences.
Let’s take the iPhone to demonstrate this.
An iPhone has a glass front and a leather case at the back. Let’s say it’s red.
The woman sees the glass front and thinks that that’s the reality - an iPhone is black and made of glass.
Looking from the other side, the man sees the leather case and thinks, “That’s an iPhone, it’s red and leathery!”
They are both looking at the same reality from two different sides.
And it looks very different.
Both are correct, yet both of them know only one side of the reality.
That’s what happens with sex and sexual desire in relationships. Women and man have different needs. Neither of them is better or worse, more or less important.
Men experience their own lack of connection and not feeling seen when a baby (or several) come on board. Their sexual needs are intricately tied to their needs for appreciation and being seen as more than a father and provider. Those needs need to be acknowledged just as much as the woman’s.
Without a conversation, it’s nearly impossible to get the full story. In absence of information, you miss out on what actually, really, deeply impacts and matters for each of you.
So it’s important for both men and women to get curious about what is really going on, what the other person sees and wants.
To have that, it’s important to have conscious conversations about your physical wants, needs, desires with each other.
A man needs to understand the woman’s experience and he needs to know what you need to change things — before he can start doing them. He needs to be involved for a joint effort to create the infrastructure to support both people’s needs.
Opening up to each other is the best way to build trust and safety in your relationship. Being able to tell each other everything goes a long way in the relationship, not only in your sex life.
It is true that you need to know yourself before you can share what you need. But don’t let that stop you.
Start with where you are. When you lead with vulnerability, it will start the conversation and you will learn about yourself in the process.
It’s ok to approach your partner with “I’ve been experiencing all these changes and I’ve been so scared that I am broken sexually that I have not really been honest about what’s going on. I don’t even have the rights words to tell you what is going on, but I want to start. Can I share these with you? It would help me so much for us to start a conversation and slowly find our way back to each other.”
Vulnerability is the way back to each other.
Even if you don’t know how to say things.
And the way to be vulnerable is to be open about your fears, concerns, and worries as well as desires.
It’s vulnerable to let your partner in to all the things that you don’t want to happen, that you worry about, or think about for a long time — but it’s also the path forward.
Both of you need to be vulnerable.
Both of you need to participate.
But it takes only one person to start.
Top 5 Things to AVOID that Create a Rift in Your Relationship After a Baby
The fact that there will be a rift is unavoidable. But it does not have to lead to disconnection.
Here are five key things to avoid that push you apart from yourself and each other.
1. You ignore that motherhood changed you
If you do not acknowledge the huge changes that you have gone through when you become a mother, you ignore the fundamental changes in the environment.
It’s like trying to ski down a mountain ignoring or denying that it no longer has snow.
Your identity changes from ‘single woman’ to ‘partner’ and then to ‘mom’ — and that greatly affects your body and libido.
Denying the fact that sex as you once knew it is off the table will have you trying to resuscitate something that’s already dead and gone. And it keeps you away from finding solutions that will create more fulfillment with the way things are today.
The moment you accept that everything changes is the moment you’ll walk in to the new stage of your sex life, with all its possibilities.
The more you can acknowledge the changes and grieve what has ended, the more successful you’ll be in accepting your body and welcoming the new stage you’re in. And, you can then engage with your partner in a new and fulfilling way.
And isn’t finding your new normal better than struggling to get your old self back?
2. You keep your struggle to yourself
When you’re going through postpartum changes, it feels like you’re all alone. Like the world stayed the same, but you changed. And no one seems to know about that.
Don’t assume your partner knows (or understands your experience from your perspective). It’s likely that your partner has no idea what is going on inside of you — because he did not have a baby. And he is not a woman.
But the truth is that having children affects both parents — albeit differently.
When there is a mismatch of libidos and sexual availability, understand that both partners are struggling in their own ways. No life changes come without the price of grieving what has passed.
Without vulnerably acknowledging your own inner struggles, you distance yourself from your partner and create the very drift that makes you anxious in the first place.
When you let each other in on that, you grow closer.
Without knowing how to do this, most women wait until the sex problem comes to a head — but it becomes so much harder to address it after the resentment and anger have set it.
Intentional and conscious communication about these feelings are key to bring you back to each other and reestablish you as lovers (not just parents or caretakers).
Letting each other know what the other is feeling will take your relationship to the next, new level where both of you are both more open and sensitive to each other’s desires ... and become more sexually and emotionally available to each other.
3. You ignore your needs
You’re tired … but you still do one more thing on the to-do list.
Your body wants to rest … but you acquiesce to sex instead of sleep.
You feel so alone in your inner struggle … but put on a smile and pretend that it’s fine.
The reality is parenthood puts you in reactive mode, playing catch up to your own needs after responding to one fire drill after another.
And in that hustle, real needs — sexual and otherwise — go unmet … sometimes for years.
The result? You feel unheard, hurt and misunderstood — and depleted.
Your sexual availability plummets, affecting you and your relationship. Your intimacy is going to invariably end up last on your to-do list. You blame yourself, or worse, each other.
When you ignore your needs, you betray yourself — and your relationship — and pave the way to more hurtful and entangled patterns in the relationship.
And this kind of betrayal is hard to recover from.
I know, it’s not sexy to think about the infrastructure of your home life and all the ways you need help … but this is key to making space for sexual desire in your life.
And when you can learn to use your voice to get your needs met, you can experience a whole new level of sexual availability in ways that feel good to you.
4. You engage in sex that does not feel good to you
It makes sense. Your relationship is already suffering, and you feel guilty about it.
Having sex even if you don’t feel like it — even when your body is protesting — has you feel like you’re doing something to keep the peace.
But it does something else.
You might fool yourself into the story that it’s supporting your relationship and giving your partner what he wants, but your body knows. And your partner knows too.
The thing is that when you betray your own pace and state, you feel awful afterwards. And that spills over into the rest of your mood and your days: feeling resentful, being on edge, acting aloof or being particularly critical.
That affects everything.
Having sex when you’re not ready works against your relationship — and you — and causes problems further down the road.
5. You try to do it all
You try to figure out parenthood on your own ...
You try to make yourself get in the mood to have sex ...
You take on the burden of your sex life onto your shoulders ...
Isn’t that just lonely and exhausting?
Look, the longer you try to figure this out on your own, without the help of others, you push yourself further and further away from your full aliveness and your libido.
If you’re already stuck in cycles of resentment, which are very hard to break without outside help, and you try to figure this out on your own, you risk digging yourself deeper into the hole — while further exhausting your own energy.
And if you’re not engaging your partner to get on board with addressing your needs and theirs, it’s unlikely that your sexual desire will change.
You cannot do it alone.
The reality is that sex and sexual desire for your partner cannot be separated from the person you’re with. If you can’t negotiate to have your needs met, it’s healthy that your sexual openness for them will decrease.
But of course, that deeply impacts your relationship.
By avoiding these critical mistakes, you can change the course of your own sexual desire and your relationship.
By taking responsibility to take care of yourself, you can awaken your libido.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:
SCAN through my articles and you’ll find pearls of wisdom about women’s libido and reviving a sexless relationship.
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step NAS Program for HSP Women and the Men Who Love Them to learn to work with your responsive sexual desire to overcome the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband” problem, permanently
SCHEDULE a consultation and your partner for individualized support