Talking About Sex Can Be Hard — but This Will Help
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Some things in life you just can’t do without talking about the DETAILS.
“Hey, wanna go watch a movie?”
“Excuse me, bartender … can I have a nice drink?”
“Want to go on a trip this weekend?”
Without talking about the details, you will need a lot of luck to be happy with what you get — a drink that matches your preferences or a vacation that leaves you feeling satisfied.
And you definitely don’t want to leave it to default when it comes to important things.
Yes, somehow in sex, we tend to avoid talking about it as if we’re supposed to know what our partners like, want or intend to happen. Like magic.
Having worked with hundreds of couples around the world, I’ve yet to see magic happen when we leave it to default.
Instead, it’s embarrassing — and painful too — when we get it wrong in sex with our partners. It creates disappointment and rejection, which turn into resentment and distance.
Plus, default rarely equals pleasurable sex and deep intimacy.
There is a different way.
Imagine feeling comfortable and free telling your partner what you want.
What would that do to your relationship? To your connection?
Imagine being able to say things like
“Last night, when you touched this part of my body with such care and attention, I felt so sexy and turned on.”
“I love making love first thing in the morning. it’s the best part of waking up with you!”
“I feel most turned on when you touch me this way and look deeply into my eyes. My whole body shudders in pleasure.”
Talking about sex is not just a nice-to-have — it is the key to enjoying it.
According to John Gottman, PhD, the foremost research scientist of relationships and head of the Love Lab at University of Washington in Seattle: of the couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another, only 9% say that they’re satisfied sexually.
In other words, if you do not talk about sex, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t have a good sex life.
And when your communication is full of fear, tension and frustration (usually because of lack of communication), hurt feelings are bound to follow.
I see this play out in my work all the time too. I watch couples daily struggle with talking about the details of their wants and needs. And even within a free consultation call with me, I can see that a couple has never truly had a conversation about sex by the level of resentment they feel towards each other.
The less direct and forthcoming you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it.
But it’s not just about getting what you want. Talking about sex is a powerful way to deepen intimacy and connection, growing closer with your partner and experiencing sex that nourishes both of you. If you’re in a committed monogamous relationship, it’s a kind of conversation that you can only have with your romantic partner, a bond that can only be developed with them.
Want to learn how to get comfortable talking about sex?
First, we need to understand that there isn’t just one single sex conversation to be had. There are actually three.
Understanding each type and when to engage in each will help you feel more relaxed, comfortable, and at ease with each other — and break you out of cycles of hurt feelings and miscommunication traps that most couples so easily fall into.
1. COMMUNICATION IN THE MOMENT
When we think of talking about sex, it’s logical to think that it would be during sex.
Communication during sex can be incredibly intimate, passionate even, but … it’s an advanced skill.
It is the most advanced and most challenging type of sex communication out there.
Why?
Because it happens in the heat of the moment, when your body is aroused, your emotions are open, and you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re probably focused on pleasuring each other, and there is little room for error. It’s a sensitive moment, and you better know what you’re doing.
To master sex communication in the moment, you have to learn the two other types of sex conversations, about which you will learn below.
We’ll get there shortly. First, let’s explore this type of sex conversation so you don’t end up making the same mistakes that lead to cycles of hurt feelings.
Communication during sex should focus on something your partner can do in the moment. It can be asking for what you want them to do, making an adjustment, stopping something and redirecting, or showing appreciation for what you like.
Here are a few examples of things that work in the moment:
Sharing what you want: “I’d love for you to massage the labia gently, then enter me very slowly, while you kiss me.”
Making an adjustment: “Could you go slower in your touch on my breast? It sends tingles down my body when you go super slow.”
Asking to stop: “I am uncomfortable in this position and I need to stop for now. Could you hold me tightly in your arms instead, it’ll feel so good for me right now?”
Appreciation: “I love how you are touching me so softly on my back right now; I am so relaxed and your touch is making my whole body buzz. Don’t stop!”
Be specific: “Could you move a little to the left? Ah, that feels really good and I can feel you against my g-spot.” This gives your partner information to know exactly what to do.
Avoid generalities: “Could you make touch more pleasurable? I am not feeling much right now.” There is very little actionable information to let your partner know exactly what to do.
This might seem very hard right now. You might think that expressing what you want in such a detailed way is impossible. It might be … for now, but with practice you can get to the point in which you are that specific and verbal during sex.
You might also think that YOU don’t know what you want in such detail, so how could you talk about it with your partner … let alone during sex …?
Do not worry! This is why learning how to have the next two types of sex conversation is key!
But before we move on, one more tip …
DON’T bring up sensitive topics that require listening, processing, or discussion during sex or even post coitus — especially if it involves criticism. Sex brings us into a heightened state of sensitivity, in which we don't receive feedback well (even under the best intentions). Even worse, bringing up big topics during sex puts your partner into a highly vulnerable position to have to answer when they feel trapped, with no lead up. This is guaranteed to trigger even the best and most conscious listeners and leave them feeling powerless because this is coming out of the blue. Avoid what I call “trapped conversations” that put a person on the spot. Discuss sex outside of having sex where you both have the mental capacity to truly listen and discuss.
Now onto this second very powerful type of sex conversation that will help you feel more comfortable and free talking about sex in the moment …
2. THE SEX DISCOVERY CONVERSATION
Discovery conversations are invitations to explore and understand each other (and yourselves), to share your wants and desires, and also to give feedback in a safe setting.
It’s called a discovery conversation … because it helps you discover each other. Even after years or decades together, allow for your own evolution and that of your partner and get curious about what’s true for them now ... and now … and now.
Use open-ended questions to learn about your partner:
What helps you feel safe and open up with me?
What makes you feel close to me?
What makes you feel desired?
What makes you feel sexy?
What makes you feel most turned on?
How do you like to be touched in the beginning when we’re making out?
What kind of touch helps you feel aroused?
There are thousands of open-ended questions you can ask to learn about your partner and what’s really important to them — without the pressure to deliver in that passionate moment. I share with you more than 30 here in a downloadable PDF.
Both people engaging in open and curious discovery creates a platform to express your needs and desires and deliver feedback without putting your partner on the spot. Over time, sex topics will no longer feel as intimidating when you get to share what you want more of.
When to schedule a discovery conversation
This conversation warrants sensitivity and kindness, as well as spaciousness and lack of pressure. You want to create a safe space for each other to open up vulnerably, share your experience, ask for what you need and want, and maybe even negotiate a solution to a challenge and not be distracted by other things.
Timing is everything.
Avoid what I call a "fly-by conversation” as you're doing other things and don’t have each other’s attention. You’re bound to miss each other and build resentment this way.
Equally, avoid what I call “trapped conversations” where you literally trap someone in a small space, such as a long car-ride, so they cannot avoid talking to you about it.
Instead, propose ahead of time to have this type of discussion and share with your partner why it’s important to you — how would it help you get closer. Then, let your partner tell you when they're ready.
When you set the time, make sure that you’re both relaxed and calm — and can be fully present with each other. This will help you feel safe to open up, especially since it may be your first time talking about it.
Do this conversation during the day in the living room; avoid the bedroom and bedtime, which can introduce the pressure of sex.
And let go of pressure to solve anything or come up with something creative during this conversation; relax and enjoy discovering each other. You will need a few rounds — and even make it a regular reason for a discovery date.
Slow down, stay curious and listen to learn. Resist giving feedback. Just take in the information — because this session is simply about discovery and collecting data points about your partner.
You can go deeper with each question by asking for clarification — even examples. Ask your partner to describe the kind of touch they say they want. Or ask them what they like about what they’re describing.
*** A Fair Warning about Discovery Conversations ***
You really want to follow these additional recommendations:
DON’T use this conversation for attacking the other side by answering their questions in a way that throws critical barbs their way. For example:
Q: “What helps you feel safe?”
A: “When you are back from work before dinner, which never happens because of your role as the VP of your big-ass important company.”
DO focus on the actual things you care about and want. For example:
Q: “What helps you feel safe?”
A: “It relaxes me when you come home on the time you told me you would. It makes me feel respected and cared for. When you see me that way, it makes me feel safe and open to reaching out to you sexually.”
If you struggle with knowing what you want, I have a separate blog post for you with a couple of short videos and fun exercises that can get you to identify what you want. Check it out here
Now, to recap: when you create a safe space to talk about sex and desires and to give feedback, it becomes less intimidating. It can actually be fun and deeply intimate and connecting.
There is a third type of sex conversation that’s really important. It’s an opportunity to get things right with your partner, free from expectation, criticism and shame — that helps you master sex communication and take sex to the next level.
And the best part of all … it’s time to play!
That’s why the third type of sex conversation is an experiential one.
3. THE INTIMACY SANDBOX
An intimacy sandbox is more than a verbal conversation. It’s a physical conversation where you learn about each other by actually playing with touch, sexual energy, and eroticism — and seeing how your body responds. It’s a learning opportunity to:
Explore you want and what feels good without the pressure to get to a result or get things right
Discover what works and what doesn’t in touch, kissing, even orgasm, without criticism from your partner
Build a vocabulary that lets you ask for what you want and share your experience
Have some fun without the pressure to get it right!
You don’t get to find out the answers by thinking about them or coming up with some logical conclusion. You find out the answers by doing the touch and seeing how you respond to it.
Think of it as an erotic science experiment that requires you to play with each other sensually and sexually. For example, you might experiment with:
types of touch — fast, medium, slow or energetic — and see which kind of touch produces which physical sensations and emotional reactions.
differences in touch on various body parts, from arms, to back, to breasts, to pussy.
what it’s like to give and what’s it like to receive touch
practice undressing each other and see what happens
Here, mistakes are welcomed! Experiment, take risks and step outside of your routine — things you might not otherwise do during actual sex — and learn new things about yourselves. At worst, you get to laugh about it all.
For me, Intimacy Sandbox time is sacred time, a non-negotiable weekly ritual to connect to myself and my partner. It’s the one place in my relationship where I get excited to make mistakes. And it’s an area of growth and expansion that feeds my heart, soul and pussy!
Here is a quick how-to guide to create your Intimacy Sandbox:
Set aside uninterrupted time together. Give yourselves at least a couple of hours and even a whole day. The longer the better!
Why do you need all this time? The Sandbox is the opposite of “quick to finish” sex that you might be used to, and which might get the deed done but doesn’t feel as nourishing or satisfying. You want a longer session because it takes time to let go of the outside world and let your mind relax. It takes time to get comfortable with each other. It takes time to let go and feel pleasure. And when you clear the space for each other, magic happens.Talk about what you want to explore ahead of the session. Basically, design your erotic science experiment. Maybe this week you want to explore touch. Or play with positions. Or experiment with kink. Come up with some questions or ideas you want to focus on. Some days you might want structure to learn something specific. Other times, you might want to experiment what organically happens to come up on its own. There are millions of options to take.
Come up with boundaries. Do you want to explore clothed or naked? For an hour or three? Do you want to experiment with intercourse or with clothes-on sensual touch?
Get your implements for your lab. Like a timer, towels, toys, water … maybe a snack if you’re going for a long session. Turn off phones; take the dog out to pee beforehand, to avoid later distractions.
Experiment with each other. Ask for what you want. Make adjustments. Make offers. Have fun!
Afterwards, debrief. Share feedback about what you liked and what you learned from this experiment.
“Instead of this heavier pressure, I’d prefer lighter. As if your fingertips were dancing on my skin. Yes, that’s it!!!”
“I prefer when you enter me slowly rather than fast. I find it more arousing and exciting, and it seems to prevent pain.”
The more you practice verbal Discovery Conversations and physical Intimacy Sandbox, the more you will feel comfortable and uninhibited to communicate about sex in the moment.
And you get to enjoy lots of pleasure in the process!
The best part is that you’ll feel seen, heard and understood in the process — and your hearts will open to each other. And that’s a big turn on.
