15 Ways to Turn Yourself On and Get Ready for Sex

/
15 ways to turn yourself on and open to sex

One of the most powerful learnings my female clients take away from their sex coaching work with me is a menu of what turns them on.

And they’re shocked by it. They would have never thought that these items would be enough to turn them on for sex. Really, that’s all I need?!, they think.

This shock that comes from having fallen for this culturally-sanctioned notion that you have to focus on sex and sexy things to feel turned on. But focusing on sex and sexy things cannot happen until these things happen first. You have to become open to being sexual.

The surprising thing here is that most of these things have nothing to do with sex, at all. Wanting sex may be the bonus consequence, but sex is not the reason why these practices turn women on. They’re part of the Connection Sex framework that is so powerful in cultivating women’s desire for sex.

They are powerful turn-ons because it feels good to do them, inside and out — and tou feel empowered to do them. And feeling good is a powerful aphrodisiac!

With my clients’ permission, I’ve compiled a list of turn-on’s that they love — and I’ve added their words to explain them.

As you read through them, think about how these would affect your openness to being sexual. What might shift?

Equally important, as you read through them, notice if there is a saboteur voice in your head questioning your need for these, if this is enough or whether you have a right to claim these for yourself. That voice is likely causing a bunch of self-sabotaging behaviors that prevent you from taking care of yourself.

1. Good quality, uninterrupted sleep.

”It’s hard to believe that just sleep would do it, but eight hours did it for me. On those days, I have more energy to take care of myself and somehow it translates to being open to my husband. I noticed I reach out for him more in the morning too when I wake up rested, instead of swatting him away.” ~ Amy

2. Time to meditate in the morning, before the business of the day.

“First I did Irene’s recorded meditations from her program as homework, but quickly I made it into my favorite morning practice. Before the kids wake up and work takes over my life, I spend a few minutes meditating and connecting to my body. I even find myself enjoying my body so much that I feel turned on leaving the meditation … and that’s even before I’ve said hello to my husband. It’s become my go-to to turn myself on.” ~ Krissa

3. Sensual transition time between work and being home.

“Before Irene taught transition time, I would just go from work to home non-stop, and think that I am just on top of the world and killing it. But that never-ending cycle of being so exhausted by the end of the day left me so disconnect from my sexual self, that sometimes I forgot that I used to be a sexual being. I’ve learned sensual practices that I can do while I am in the car driving home or when I get in that help me connect to my body and become turned on as the sensual type I am. It has shifted how open I am with my husband and how much I actually reach out to him in the evenings now.” ~ Brenda

4. Saying “no” to meetings at work and with friends that drain me.

“I’ve long prided myself in being a people pleaser and being there for everyone and everything. In our work together, I realized that I was using up all my energy to take care of others, while I’d be drowning. Of course, this was the biggest cause for my lack of interest in sex — I had given away all my energy and had nothing left. It was hard to learn to say “no” but I started to see the effect of it almost from the get-go. I felt good about taking care of myself, like I was important and worth it. It made me feel special and sexy and turned out to be a powerful aphrodisiac.” ~ Carol

5. An evening foot massage (or insert your erotic part body massage)

“I’ve always fancied foot massages and they almost instantly turn me on. But I had forgotten about their power and focused on “getting in the mood” by thinking about sexy things, which lead to me shutting down instead. When I remembered the magic of foot massages in our work with Irene, I started asking my husband for one when we get into bed at night. It’s an understatement to say that we were both shocked at the results. Nine out of 10 times, we have sex that evening or middle of the night. I had no idea I had that power within me to ask for something that turns me on, and it was surprising how innocent and small of an activity it was that caused this.” ~ Megan

6. 15 minutes of no-goal sexy time together, the way Irene taught us.

“Over the years, we had gotten into a really terrible pattern: every time we’d have physical contact during time alone (which was rare to begin with), my husband would try to initiate sex and I would promptly shut him down. He would get hurt and I would be despondent. I needed that time to connect to him and open up to sex … but then how could I get in the mood for sex if I could not just have that time to connect to him?! When we learned “no-goal sexy time” practice from Irene, we finally broke through this cycle. It’s not foreplay towards sex, but a space for us to connect — and that acts as an aphrodisiac for me.” ~ Cindy

7. Dancing to my favorite music

“When I was single, I would always have music on and be dancing as I got ready for dates. I had no idea that what I was doing was turning myself on. When I identified this with Irene’s help, I started doing the same before I met my husband at home. Sometimes I’d dance in the car ride from work. Or in the shower when I got home. And it made a huge difference — on average, I felt lighter, more open, and kind of flirtier. The little things that would annoy me about my husband didn’t feel as annoying and I felt more open to initiating touch with him, which he loves. When there is more ease between us, I feel closer to him and want touch to develop into something sexual. It worked!” ~ Agnes

8. Giving myself a sensual massage in the shower

“In our work with Irene, we identified that I am the “sensual type” when it comes to turn on, which was not a surprise at all, because I knew that deep down, and it was still a surprise because I had neglected that part of myself and forgotten on how good I feel when I do something sensual. So I started with giving myself sensual massages in the shower just by lathering myself and touching myself all over. It was magical! I would feel tingles running all over my body and in my genitals. I’d get out of the shower feeling so sexy and turned on. When I do it in the morning, I’m usually the one who does something naughty, like send a sexy text to my husband that I’m thinking about him in a sexy way. And at night, it’s a sure-fire way to start sex as soon as I am out of the shower.” ~ Mary-Ann

9. Taking the afternoon off from my husband and kids to go for a hike

“Yep, my big turn on is alone time. No kids, no husband, phone off, and ideally with no one around me. When possible, arrange childcare with my husband or family, and I go deep into the woods or to a desolate beach nearby for a long walk. This “me” time allows me to recharge my battery. I get so exhausted being on all the time by being there for everyone and I am just a shell of myself. This allows a space for me to just be … where there are no demands on me, no to-do list, nothing to accomplish. And when I can’t do that for the whole day, I’ve learned to do this in small increments. Irene first had to convince me that this might affect my interest in sex, but then I was convinced myself. When I am running on a full battery, I have capacity to be open to sex when my husband initiates, instead of bristling and pushing him away.” ~ Denise

10. Women’s group where I am able to connect to other women and get nourished in sisterhood

“Inspired by our results after only six months working with Irene, I decided to start a women’s group in my religious community to talk about sex. Sex has been so taboo in our world that we all repressed our need to talk about it. But when I opened up to other women in my church about my struggle wanting sex with my husband, whom I love and am committed to, so many women shared their own struggles. We formed a weekly support group where we talk about our struggles and cheer each other on with our successes. Kind of like what Irene does for us, but now I get to do this for other women. The surprising effect of talking about our inner struggles with other women has been that I would come home feeling so filled up and empowered, and it would translate to me being more relaxed, easy going and even flirty. There is something about the safety of talking with women and providing support for each other that helped me feel safe and then contributed to me opening up sexually with my husband. It’s been the best foreplay!” ~ Catherine

11. Taking time to enjoy my food

“My husband knows that what turns me on is a delicious meal, eaten slowly and sensually. So once in a while, he’d surprise me with a delicious meal out or in on our date night and we have sex. But then, we’d have sex about once a month, sometimes less. The rest of the time, I’d feel like I am not sexual at all. With Irene’s help, I recognized this pattern and took charge of my own turn-on. I started to take time almost each day, if only for a few minutes, to slow down and enjoy something delicious. One day, it could be a pastry I love or another day getting a box of chocolates and doing a tasting. And I asked my husband to spend time each day to enjoy a tasty treat together and … boom! I started to feel turned on more and also felt so empowered because it’s something that I could do for myself and by myself. I was no longer powerless and I didn’t have to force myself to get in the mood by doing something I don’t like.” ~ Elsa

12. Putting my face into my husband’s neck and inhaling him

“I love my husband’s skin and smell, and it works for me regardless of the context. When I am feeling low after a hard day, I nuzzle up into by his neck and I almost instantaneously feel relaxed and supported. I found out for myself too that it’s how I get turned on too. I reach out to him and get into him, and it does magic to have me feel closer to him and want him. I had no idea that I could just reach out and find it.”

13. Transition time between work, kids and husband

“Irene taught us about the need for transition time, and I thought “ugh, more things I need to do, I am already so exhausted.” Low and behold, it was exactly what I needed. That bit of time to myself between finishing up what needs to be done and switching over to being with my husband helped me actually be more open to him, emotionally and sexually. Now my husband and kids all know the keyword “Mom’s transition time” and it’s a sacred part of our daily lives.” ~ Diantha

14. Permission to leave things messy

“When we started working with Irene, I was a total control freak who needed to have everything perfectly done, put away, and completed. I lived in a constant state of irritation. No surprise that I ran myself into the ground, and I had no sex drive … like no thoughts about sex, no ability to focus on sex with my husband, and no connection to my own body. Over our journey with Irene, I learned to give myself permission to leave things messy, incomplete or unsolved. I learned to be ok with messy and it gave me so much inner freedom. And with that came a sense of aliveness and openness to my husband I had not felt in ages, or even ever. And I learned to use that energy to connect with my husband, not waste it on doing laundry or dishes. It was a real turn-on, metaphorically speaking and sexually.” ~ Zadie

15. Asking my husband to hold me in his arms when I am having a hard time

“One of the most powerful sexual turn-ons for me is being supported emotionally by my husband when I am having a hard time. But this didn’t come so easy for both of us. He had no idea what to do when I would express sadness or hurt, and often he didn’t do anything. And I had no idea how to get him to hold me and let me cry things out. For years, we felt so disconnected and distanced, and that led to me not wanting sex at all. In our work, Irene helped both of us put words to what we needed and wanted each other to do. And now, when I am having a hard time, I pro-actively signal to my husband that I need “hug time” and he knows exactly what to do. It’s not uncommon now for us to end up making love then and there, or later that night, because we just feel so connected. I feel so empowered and successful knowing how to do this for myself too.” ~ Shawndra

There is nothing magical about learning to turn yourself on. What these women show is that the power of turning yourself on is in your hands. It starts with understanding yourself and what turns you on and creating easy and manageable ways to implement that in your life every day.

Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: