13 Revelations About Men’s Sexual Desire That Will Make It Easier to Initiate Sex
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“I want to have more sex,” he said.
“I don’t want to have sex as often as you do! All you think about is sex!,” she answered, giving him a look that could cut through steel.
Imagine this being said in a couples sex coaching session recently by a couple in their forties. Let’s just call them Laura and Paul. You should have been there to see Laura’s face go red from frustration. She was being brave in finally saying it out loud.
In the meanwhile, Paul was shut down and disappointed. He usually closes huge deals with his masterful negotiation skills in his big corporate job, but in this one conversation, he was losing a lot of emotional and connection credit. And my heart was feeling for him.
What Laura did not know was that Paul was not being obsessive about sex. He was trying to connect with her and be open and vulnerable. But this did not match the script that she had about men and sex.
When it comes to sex, it’s common for women to grow up with the notion that men are sexually aggressive, sex obsessed or that “All that men want from women is sex.”
That certainly was true in my experience. I grew up with the messages that men are sex-obsessed — and it set me up as a woman to fear men, “defend” my sexuality, put up walls to “protect myself,” and manipulate men to make sure that they doesn’t just “get” sex from me.
Yet, paradoxically, the most profound effect of this line of thinking was how I initiated sex. I did it for him — to make him happy because he was the sex obsessed one. He needed it more than I did, I thought.
It lead me to perform sex, rather than have it or want it for my own pleasure. Working myself up to having sex for him used a lot of mental and emotional energy and left me feeling exhausted (and his satisfied) and not actually turned on. I’d have sex without being aroused myself, short-changing my own physical experience of sex and what is possible.
Instead of being vulnerable and open, I learned to close off and play games — fulfilling the oft-repeated assumption that women are sexually cold and shut down.
And that behavior in turn makes men assume that they have to push women to get any sex, because otherwise it would not happen at all. They become aggressive in their tactics, in the process scaring off women — and creating the self-fulfilling prophecy of sexually unavailable women.
These assumptions and projections are dangerous.
They lock us into a blaming game and pit us against each other.
We feel frustrated, resentful, and disappointed.
And in the end, we feel misunderstood, unappreciated … and alone.
And that is especially true when it comes to sex and sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship.
The truth is that:
We do speak different languages.
We do misunderstand each other’s intentions.
And we inadvertently kill the very connection that is the answer to solving this predicament and having both men and women enjoy and feel fulfilled in sex.
When couples come to me for sex and intimacy coaching, one thing is clear: how lonely and misunderstood they feel when they cannot convey what they really need to feel met by their partners. And how it makes them strangers to each other.
When we have to fight to get our needs met, we close off our hearts in protection. And where we’re protecting ourselves from each other, love and sexual connection cannot flow. You cannot have your walls up and down at the same time.
So today, I turn the attention on men and what women need to know about them — how they see sex, how they speak about, and how they are motivated by it.
“We are very different and we are the same in this one very important way: we all want to be understood, seen, known, and appreciated for who we are.”
And how will this make it easier to you to initiate sex?
How will this help you feel safe around his desire for sex and even connect to him in new deeper ways?
It all start by letting go of the belief that was forced on us by our friends, our TVs, and society — that all men are misbehaving in how they approach sex.
If you are willing to be open for the opportunity of understanding men’s needs and emotions towards sex, then you will discover a whole new world where it feels safer for you to initiate sex and enjoy yourself.
The best part: you will no longer feel pressured to perform in bed. Instead, you will be able to spot new opportunities to connect with him physically and sexually that feel good to you.
And that can spark improvement in any stage of your relationship, from dating, through the early years of marriage and all the way up to long-term monogamous relationships.
Read through this list with an open mind. These experiences may be different than yours — and that’s ok. Let this list be a conversation starter in your relationship, where you can initiate coming closer together to meet each other’s needs.
These may surprise you.
A fair warning: these tips apply if you’re in a loving and supportive relationship. This does not apply to relationships where the man is manipulative, physically and/or emotionally violent, and/or is habitually on drugs or alcohol. It also does not apply in situations where you do not feel safe to speak up without repercussions.
In a committed relationship, men express love and care through what he does for you. It’s his primal nature. When he commits, for him, it means that he is taking on the responsibility to protect and provide for you and the family. It’s the equivalent of bringing home the bison to feed the village. In modern life, it looks like bringing in a salary, having a home, providing food for the table — and doing it consistently. These are not romantic — but they’re essential to how he understands his role in the relationship. Providing emotional support is not always an obvious aspect of providing for a woman.
His desire to protect and provide is primal and primary. He loves to do it. And there is another way that he wants to be seen in the relationship — for the man that he is, not just a provider. He wants to be your lover, too. He wants to provide you pleasure and to be the one to make you happy.
It’s not unique to men to want to be appreciated; we all thrive from being seen for our contributions. The way men feel most appreciated in a romantic relationship is through being wanted by their partner sexually — being wanted for the MAN that he is. For his physicality, his body, his genitals. You wanting to reach out and touch him and be with him sexually confirms to him that you value him as a man he is (not just a father or provider). It fills his heart with appreciation and love.
Which means: the way to a man’s heart is through his genitals. When a woman shows him that she values him through sex, sex opens up his heart. Sex is the gateway for men to connect to a woman emotionally and vulnerably. Some of that has to do with testosterone: he opens up when he has spent it and can now access the softness behind the strength.
Men initiate sex as a way to connect to the woman and her heart. Men are literal in their language, so when he wants sex with you, he will ask for sex. What he really is saying is that he wants to connect with and be with you.
Men love fun and play. It’s where they can let go of problem solving and they’re no longer responsible for rent, work or taking care of others. It also happens to be when they’re most emotionally available. When men have regular play in their lives — with their buddies AND crucially with their romantic partner — they can relax and open up emotionally. Sex fits into this category. It’s where nothing is asked of them, and they can put down their protector and provider responsibilities and just be themselves. Whereas pleasure is the fuel for the woman’s libido, play (including sexual play) is fuel for his emotional availability.
Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform sexually. He wants to be worthy of you. He wants to please and pleasure you. That confirms to him that he is a man — not just a father or provider. He does not want you to fake it to make him happy; he does want genuine and actionable information that will help him actually deliver and make you happy.
What men love about sex with women is her warmth, sensuality and softness that comes from her being relaxed and surrendered in sex. These stand against the roughness and toughness he experiences of himself and his body. He gets nourished by her pleasure and surrender — especially when it’s his body that’s the cause of it.
Men want you to trust them. Men pride themselves on being dependable and strong — it’s what being a protector and provider does. When a woman entrusts her body to him sexually, meaning that she puts her walls down and allows herself to enjoy herself with him, her trust in him makes him feel like a man. He gets nourished, and it motivates him to do more and to live up to the woman’s expectations. Your sexual trust in him is a sign of his worthiness — that’s he is worthy of your pleasure and surrender. That’s how important you are to him.
The biggest things that will deflate (and eventually kill) a man’s excitement, desire and willingness to show up emotionally for you and the relationship are ... criticism, complaining and shaming. These emasculate him because they castrate his ability to protect and provide. At best, men temporarily pull away under criticism and shame; at worst, they stop showing up altogether. What restores his desire to show up is appreciation and clear communication about what you need to be happy.
Men want information on what you want because it empowers them to do it for you. It’s actionable. Their feelings will be hurt when he finds out that you had not been enjoying yourself and didn’t provide that information and lead him on doing things that are not working. The worst thing is to not trust him enough to tell him what you really want — because it confirms his insecurity that he is not worthy of your trust. Conversely, it’s the thing that will motivate and energize him to do more.
Scarcity of sex and sexual play makes a man hungrier for sex AND emotionally unavailable. It also makes him more aggressive and goal-oriented. That is the effect of unmitigated testosterone. When he “needs” sex, he needs the release from the grips of testosterone and into softness of the female body. Not knowing when he’ll get sex again makes him desperate go for the goal next time he has it, and get in as much in as possible. Regular and consistent physical connection fills him up and makes him more emotionally available.
Men love porn — but not for the reason women think. It’s the woman’s excitement they crave. There is something magical about being in the presence of a woman feeling so relaxed and excited for physical pleasure. Her turn-on is an elixir. But it’s not just seeing any woman excited — it’s what he wishes he could get from his woman, the woman that he is committed to and that loves him. It’s what he wants to experience with his partner, but in its absence, he will settle for at least a virtual taste of it (however toxic it may be).
BONUS: Men are single-focused, meaning they can fully pay attention to one thing at a time. Which means he works in segments; when one segment is done, he becomes available for the next. It makes them amazing at going for that bison or fighting wars, without being pulled away by distractions. At the same time, single focus makes it challenging when trying to connect emotionally to him while his mind is on something else. If you approach him while he is in the middle of something, he may give off cold, distant energy — but it does not mean that he feels that way towards you. If he is not emotionally unavailable during the day to flirt and connect in different ways that would make you feel important, it’s usually because he is focused on something else that’s important to him. But it does not mean that he will not do that if you ask him. In asking for what we need, we become that thing that’s important to do during the day, and his single focus will turn to you. It just needs to be defined.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg on difference between men and women around sex and relationships.
The takeaway?
We are very different.
We experience the world differently.
We have different desires and needs.
We initiate sex differently.
And we make sense of experiences differently.
It does not automatically mean that what we do instinctively works well for each other. It most often does not.
Nor does it mean that one person’s needs take precedence over the other’s.
I’ve talked a lot about women’s desire, how women show interest in sex, and what it takes for a woman to feel turned on.
Men and women have significantly different needs physically and sexually — and both need to be honored, met and respected. And it takes communication, negotiation and intentionality to make sex work for both people.
Because we are the same in this one very important way: we all want to be understood, seen, known, and appreciated for who we are.
The goal is to work with each other’s differences and to assume that we all have reasons for being the way we are. By learning about each other’s experiences — what drives and motivates each of us — we can communicate to learn. And by asking for what we need and what would have us feel met in sex, we create passionate moments together.
And what happened to Laura and Paul?
As they started to discover how each of them experiences sex, they started to give each other more. As Laura learned Paul’s deeper desires and intentions when it comes to sex and intimacy, her resistance to his advances started to melt. She had no idea how much he wanted to connect to her, not just sex — and that was sexy to her!!!
Feeling more met and understood, Laura started to initiate more physical contact throughout the day, a kiss here or a stroke on the back there, and asking him to spend sexy time together. Paul became softer in his sexual advances knowing that they scared her off and worked to meet her emotionally throughout the day, feeding her libido and giving her what she needed. As the pressure to perform waned, Laura also took the first step in the journey of learning how to be able to relax and enjoy herself sexually with him.
In all, understanding each other helped them soften towards each other and motivated them to show up more. Because it’s sexy both ways when our partner really gets what we’re going through and shows up to support us.
What to do with this information:
To find closeness and connection with each other, get curious. Start a conversation and ask how sees sex and what motivates him.
Ask open ended questions and listen to learn. Which means do not talk; listen. Take time to understand each other.
Want to a ready-made list of 19 questions that could spark a conversation about sex that comes from a place of mutual appreciation and finding common ground?
Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you:
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