Top 3 Mistakes Couples Make That Turn Women Off Sex

As a coach who works with women and couples to create satisfying and nourishing sex lives, I can zero in on three top mistakes that couples make when it comes to sex — mistakes that lead to actually turning women off sex altogether. 

Mistake #1: Expecting sexual desire on the spot

The phrase "Honey, can we have sex tonight?" is guaranteed to kill most women's libido on the spot.

There's been a long-standing assumption, all the way from Freud's time, that there's one kind of libido — the spontaneous kind. You decide you want to have sex and you're able to get turned on. There is truth to this: men's sexuality is indeed more geared towards spontaneous desire, as Emily Nagoski documented in her book "Come as You Are".

When women come to me for coaching, they share how they freeze on the spot hearing this request from their partners, in fears and in tears, thinking "There's something wrong with me as I can't get turned on, even though I love my partner." They expect they they should get turned on and beat themselves up when they don't.

The truth is that women's libido is simply different. And that is ok.

Women's libido is responsive to arousal, and arousal comes from stimulation: emotional, psychological, and physical. It can come from deep connection, from play, from affectionate and sexual touch, from sharing desires, and simply from kind and thoughtful gestures through out the day that show her that you care.

Too often, after the initial wooing period, demonstrations of affection tend to be limited to foreplay — which makes them transactional. Just another stop on the way to the home run. And that kills women's desire.

Women's desire is to be evoked, not asked for. It is explored and lead up to, not turned on on-demand, like a light switch.

Men will complain that their requests for sex are met with disdain. Women will report experiencing hurt and resentment, not feeling met or wanted but instead expected to provide sex. Couples often get stuck in a pattern of demands/withdrawals, creating a deep rift that goes deeper than sex.

It's important for both men and women to understand that for most women, sex is not something they give or do. It is a state that women enter — an emotionally and physically opened state — where they can share themselves sexually with another person. It cannot be willed. It has to be awakened and opened.

Without understanding the mechanics of their own libido, women will often get aroused "just enough" to be able to have intercourse, but miss the mark on getting deeply aroused to reach the kind of nourishing, satisfying sex that generates connection as well as desire for more (and more) sex. 

Women having penetration sex (and oral sex too) before their bodies are aroused, turned on and ready too often leads them to conclude that they don't enjoy sex. And when there is pain during sex, which is most often caused by tightness due to lack of deep internal arousal, it's easy to believe that women's body are broken.

When I work with both partners in a couple, the crucial first step to shifting sexual desire is understanding the dynamics of female arousal and learning to evoke her sexual desire — by the woman herself and her partner — rather than expect it. 

Mistake #2: Going for the goal

The openness and curiosity we often experience in the beginning of relationships is also what creates the closeness and the natural turn-on that leads to fun, passionate sex. After the initial wooing period, couples lose their curiosity and explorations with each other (and I don't mean in terms of finding new sex positions). I am talking about being curious about each other and what their bodies — and hearts — are all about.

While there are only so many new sex positions and toys, we are infinitely explorable when it comes to what lies within. The number of erogenous zones and their locations shift as we age — and as we discover more of them. Our emotional states ebb and flow as does the state of our bodies, and our desires and needs shift accordingly.

And there is so much that our bodies can feel and do. Did you know there are at least 12 kinds of orgasms that women can experience, while men can experience 8 (and have you experienced them all)? Did you know that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, all waiting to explore pleasure, and do you know how yours responds? Do you wonder what it would be like to have sex when feeling sad or angry and feel held tightly by your partner?

We stop the exploration assuming — erroneously — that since we now know our partners enough, we can just do what we know to do. And that kills sex drive, especially for women.

Without curiosity, sex becomes perfunctory and goal-oriented towards orgasm and release as well as transactional (orgasm for orgasm, or orgasm for an illusory sense of emotional security), losing its magical opening, connecting and generative powers. 

When it comes to the female libido, the typical approach to sex — where you hit all the "bases" on the way to the "home run" — doesn’t inspire, arouse, or satisfy women. It kills women's desire, when it's all that's available on the menu.

When I work with couples, we reintroduce the curiosity element into the mix, renewing their excitement for each other and adding more spark and passion that fuels more sexual desire. 

Mistake #3: Stop touching for the sake of touching

Couples that stop touching for the sake of touching invariably stop having sex.

Touch is connecting. Touch is arousing. Touch has healing elements. And when touch is just one of the things you do on the way to sex, it becomes transactional and it loses its magic powers. 

Because women's sexual desire is responsive to stimulation, spontaneous non-sexual as well as sexual touch — a stroke on the back of the nape, holding hands, and genital stroking (not to get her to orgasm, but to stroke for pleasure) — will help her build up her arousal well before you get into sex.

Touch is equally important for men. Learning to receive touch helps men learn to receive pleasure in a way that they don't get to experience when being in the doer position, expanding their capacity for holding sensation in their bodies and their capacity to last longer during intercourse.

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These discrepancies in desire are never the issue in and of themselves. It's how couples deal with them that can break or heal and deepen the relationship. Understanding and honoring our sexual desire and arousal patterns is just like understanding and honoring our personality needs in a relationships. And when couples open up to the experience with curiosity and learning, they can create connection that inspires, invigorates — and turns on.

To understand female libido and what couples can do to create radically fulfilling sex, sign up to receive this free 3-video training “How to Want Sex Again.” You will get the first video right away!