Naomi and Leon, a heterosexual couple in their mid 30s in the US, worked with me for 14 months. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

They had tried everything when sex had become so fraught with stress and disappointment that they even contemplated opening their marriage as a last resort. Then came their lowest point.

LEON: I think the colloquial phrase is "dumpster fire," precipitated by a fear of failure, for both of us. For us, to take the time and the energy to have sex, which is not even a good way to be thinking about it, and then have it end up not satisfying either of us was very frustrating. There was a lot of sexual frustration. We would end up in a disappointment vortex on both sides.

NAOMI: Yeah, the disappointment vortex. Leon felt a fear of failure, and I felt like I wasn't really turned on and I was going through the motions. I was already entering sex from an angry position because I was stressed because I didn’t feel that my needs outside of the bedroom were being taken care of. I didn't feel like my safety or wellbeing mattered. And so then I was already angry and we'd start to have sex, and it would hurt the whole time, and all I could think about was that I hate this. The bedroom problems were bad, but I think they were just one part of the rest of the problems, which was: Leon felt overwhelmed and stressed and “in the yellow” a lot on his own, and I was constantly needing things from him. We just didn't know how to communicate or see from each other's point of view. Then on top of that, how are you ever gonna have sex in that situation?

LEON: There has never been a moment where my deep love for Naomi changed from my side, but the challenges were eroding our trust in ourselves and our relationship. These patterns were eroding a really core part of the relationship and that was painful, frustrating and difficult. And it was confusing because we are generally good at tackling complex problems in a lot of different areas, but with this sex problem, we could not just fix it. We tried so many things; we tried hacking it. We didn’t know what to do — and that was incredibly frustrating. So the day-to-day frustration was quite high and it created distance between the two of us. The sexual side was bleeding into the day-to-day. 

NAOMI: At that time too, I was having really bad insomnia brought upon by a lot of different factors, but definitely in part driven by the severe relationship stress. We had been together for 12 years and it was our first year of marriage. There was one night where I was having really bad insomnia, and I lost it when Leon didn’t come to bed when he said he would. I cried out in desperation that I can't do this anymore and I want to get divorced. The very next day Leon found a couple of counselors. The catalyst for help came from our lowest point. 

Finding the right professional who could holistically address their challenge was not easy.

NAOMI: I had been in individual therapy for a couple months at that point, so I really valued getting professional help. We met a couple different couples therapists before we met Irene and all of them were not dealing with the real problem that we were looking for. We didn’t just want talky therapy. We needed something physical because the problem really started on the physical level. At that point we hadn't had sex for a month or two. None of them were asking the right questions. It was not the right fit. I definitely started getting a little disheartened and then Leon found Irene. 

We watched one of Irene’s YouTube videos and I started crying because it voiced a lot of the problems that I was experiencing: sex being painful, touch feeling almost almost painful too, and what it’s like to be in a sexual crisis in a relationship. I was like “all right, I think we found her.” It felt like there was hope.

LEON: When we were talking with the therapists, they were all focused on couples that were truly at the point of getting a divorce. We were definitely like a sexual dumpster fire, but at the same time, we were still a super strong couple. We knew how to communicate in most scenarios. We loved each other very much. Naomi definitely had a rough night, we had a super rough night, — probably the roughest night we've ever had — but it wasn't like every single week we were feeling that way.

NAOMI: I had my outburst and the next minute, Leon found solutions. It calmed things down. We were going to solve this together.

LEON: We were looking for someone that was specifically the expertise and focus on the sexual piece. We’re type A, so we like lessons, homework and worksheets. All of that was really resonating with us with Irene, rather than sitting on a couch for an hour, then leaving with nothing to do. And we liked that it was about finding physical solutions for physical problems. Definitely, these are also connected to emotional issues. But focusing on the sexual piece, all the way from finding our sexual types to the pussy massage were all very tangible. 

As someone who is hypercritical, even from our early sessions, I was like “maybe, maybe, maybe this is gonna be something.”  

From a cost perspective, this was also a huge commitment, probably one of the most expensive things we've ever done. Having a year-long timeline was good though. That was scary, but honestly I had a lot of respect for that upfront. It set the expectation that this isn't something we can solve in three sessions. And that really resonated for me.

NAOMI: I completely agree. We were stressed about money at the time, but there was a point when we realized that Irene knows exactly what she's doing. She knows the process. She's an insanely good professional for couples, and the year is required. You have to give it a year. You have to go through the process day in, day out.

And it’s a good metaphor for life, right? There are good days, there are bad days. That's life. How do you deal with the ups and downs? How do you keep that stable core through it all? 

To any prospective clients: it takes a year. You have to do it. You have to do the work outside of the session.

We took it seriously. A huge part of it was truly making time for each other and changing our relationship with time going from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality. Making time for our rocks. 

LEON: And our jar today is full of rocks! 

Typically, men are more reluctant to trust therapy and coaching. This is what contributed to Leon’s skepticism and what worked to help him trust the process:

LEON: When we started, we had 10 years of history. There's 10 years of nuance to our relationship, who we are, the experiences we've had. My reservation was always around someone coming in and understanding that in any sort of competent way to be able to provide us advice on what to do. I was skeptical that it was possible. The year together was really helpful in that respect, because it gave us a lot of time to kind of dig into things. 

Also, as a man in a therapy session with two ladies, I was expecting it to feel like a two-on-one scenario. Irene did a really good job of being on my side in our heated arguments as much as she was on Naomi's side. Really, she was on no one's side, which is why it worked. She was able to understand my perspective as a man, and help Naomi get to a point of empathy with that perspective, which is not something I was honestly expecting. 

From the first month, Naomi and Leon saw shifts in their relationship and their sex life.

LEON: For me, the structured first month was great. First of all, it was great to take sex off the table for the first six weeks. It allowed us to kind of step out of thinking that it’s just about sex and see that this is about the relationship and communication. 

After about a month in, we started to have a new vernacular that we could use to communicate. And then we were also starting the touch and verbal sessions at that point and it was about rediscovering my wife in a really positive way. That was great. At least for me, that was the tipping point towards hope. That this might work. 

NAOMI: There were a few tipping points.

The first tipping point was when you asked in one of our sessions: “how do you want to feel desired?” I remember crying in that session because no one had ever asked me that in my entire life. I don't even know how to feel desired. And so there's this tipping point too, that I was such a sexual person and I've lost it, and I doubted if it will ever come back. It was a big tipping point towards a sexual renaissance, to be completely honest with you. 

It was about being able to feel sexy, to stop critiquing myself or set these traps: I will feel sexy when I weigh this amount. I will feel sexy when … whatever bullshit, because it’s bullshit.  I remember you had me write these desire lists and that was hard. I didn’t know what I wanted. Irene understands women's sexuality and you get that a lot of women are in crisis, a lot of women.

Another tipping point was the pussy massage. We do it now every time we have sex because I need to relax and feel comfortable when being touched. I need to tell my brain to relax and remember that you're okay, that this is Leon, you love Leon. I know it's silly, but it's true. I need to drop in and remember that this is a part of you that's wonderful and important. It has become very sacred. 

There was another tipping point in the middle when I began to articulate what I needed from Leon. I learned what I needed and built the confidence to say it. Looking back, a lot of the sex I had been having wasn't for me. It came out of a pattern where I was having sex to impress a man when I was younger, so I was really focused on male pleasure. You know, it worked because of hormones of newness and excitement. But it stopped because it was not a sustainable way to enjoy your body and your sensuality. Then it all came crashing down. I stopped being able to orgasm. I am someone who can orgasm multiple times with the right conditions, with the right lover. That was amazing, and that had gotten lost.

It was a wake up call. I had to refocus my attention on myself, on my experience, on my sensuality. How amazing my vagina is.

As a result …

Leon: [We are having] a lot more sex! 

NAOMI: Yeah, a lot more sex! 

LEON:  The length of the sexual experience is significantly longer, both penetration, but also excluding penetration, post penetration, post coitus. 

One of the pieces that really resonated for me was the concept of needing to rev up throughout the week. Just recently, I was sending sexy text messages to Naomi and building up the anticipation in a really positive, fun way. 

NAOMI: We're getting very personal here, but Leon's sexual problem [of early ejaculation] went away. It was all psychological. 

Another one that's not sexual is relating to high stress situations. We're really good at identifying when we're getting in the yellow zone and not progressing to fighting. We can now say “I'm in the yellow” and the other person knows to ask “What do you need to get back down to green?”

It's a good way of realizing that the fight is actually not personal. We're not fighting about what we think we're fighting about. We're getting triggered and having a psychosomatic reaction. We need to take time to regain our calm and reconnect. That happened a few times where instead of having a fight, it was all about naming it, pausing and coming back to it. 

LEON: The tools are definitely being applied both in a sexual context, relationship context, but also in a wider swath of context, whether that's mundane life stuff or fun life stuff. It’s about how do I ask the right questions in a lot of different situations to get beyond what can turn into a fight.

Where there was conflict before, today getting each other’s needs met has become an essential component of growing closer together.

NAOMI: We used to always have arguments about the cleanliness of the house. Now I cannot remember the last time we had that. It feels very even right now in terms of house management. It gives me confidence to have children with Leon because we're a really good team. I don't feel overwhelmed. I truly feel like there's a partnership here; we are co-partners.

LEON: There is also the need to express our needs. 

NAOMI: Oh yes, being able to articulate what you need is critical. And coming at it from an emotional place too, instead of arguing why one side is right or wrong. When you make it about the emotion and how it makes you feel this way, then it’s a matter of empathy. Then you can understand why that person feels that way about an issue and address the feeling to find the connection there.

Before, I was oriented towards solving the problem, so I would just tell Leon what I wanted straight on. I didn't really know how to articulate my needs on the emotional level so it would come across as a demand. What I didn't understand on the flip side is how Leon already felt so overwhelmed, and then this was just another thing added to his plate. I understand now. We both have the tools to articulate feelings and be more receptive in terms of empathy towards each other. 

It's nice when Leon says “Hey, I'm feeling really stressed and overwhelmed” or “I fear that I'm going to fail at this”, he is actually more vulnerable. When I hear that, my heart goes out to him and my response is “I love you. Let's figure it out.”  It’s amazing when you get to be vulnerable with your partner and trust that they care about your wellbeing.

Like what happened this past Monday. We had a sex date planned, but at the end of the day, I was just not feeling it. Leon could tell, so his response was “Why don't you go relax, I'm gonna do the dishes,” which already is so hot. So I relaxed. Knowing my sensual type, Leon then got this lotion that we love from one of our favorite spas. Oh, I love that smell! So it just became enjoyable to get turned on slowly, without pressure, because we knew what blueprint type we are, and we enjoyed the process. It was about taking a common every night situation that was by no means perfect, to one of the great joys of having a body and your partner there and some earth-shattering sex afterwards.

The way we’ve been having sex now … if we need to do something different, to change positions, to something’s not working, there is a joy in it. It’s not fraught anymore; it’s more like ‘let’s figure it out’. There is a real trust that’s there.

The couples journey also required each of them to grow individually.

LEON: As someone who is very results-oriented as well as having a really good sense of how things work, I'm hypercritical all the time. It's the nature of my life. So what I'm most proud of is trust-falling into the process. In the beginning, I couldn't see how it would work or that it would work at all. I had to let that part of my brain go and accept the process until we built that trust. I think that's honestly what I'm most proud of because it did result in great results. It was something that was fun. And, there has been a ripple effect of that where I'm generally a bit more open to not seeing all the pieces or seeing how they fit together right away, which is not something I've historically been good at or liked doing.

I am also proud of looking at sex differently at the macro level. Sex is definitely something that no one talked to me about so it was hard to recontextualize all I knew about sex 10 years into a relationship, 34 years into life. I am so very super proud of that. Obviously the results have been incredible. I am also proud of being a better partner. I've always prided myself on being a good partner, but I think it's really leveled up in the last year. 

NAOMI: For me internally, I am most proud of applying this concept of a stable core. It’s been a transition from seeking external validation all of my 20s to looking in the mirror to check “Am I okay?” and focus on me. The external validation sources went away or weren't satisfying anymore. And that was part of the personal crisis, besides our relationship, that I was in when we started. 

A huge part of our work, which is what I think is so important and missing from a lot of traditional therapy, is the connection to your body. I really loved the idea that those really overwhelming, horrible emotions only last 90 seconds. The amount of times I've thought that when I felt horrible, it's only 90 seconds, and I would hug a pillow or something comforting, and come back to the realization that I am okay.

There was also the concept of feeling a sense of abundance, rather than scarcity. It all contributed to this interior stability that's not just rooted psychologically, but physically … and to a different relationship with my body. I check with myself, “Am I clenching my stomach, am I ok in my body?” I do this now, just throughout the day, it has become muscle memory. 

Today, Naomi and Leon are proud of their sex life and what they have achieved together as a couple.

NAOMI: Sometimes the solution for bad sex with couples has been opening up the relationship. It has worked with one couple we know, but we have other friends who've opened it up as a last resort. When I would bring it up, Leon was clear that he did not want to. So then when it was so bad, it left us wondering ‘what are we going to do then’? Since doing this work, I can't imagine ever doing that. Leon is my lover. I am really, really proud of the sex we're having now, which is so much better than it's ever been. And one of the reasons why I'm so glad we're sexual beings at all — I'm really proud of our sex.

LEON: I would double down on that with Naomi. We came into this process with two goals. We want to have great sex again, and we want to set ourselves up for a life where we could start a family. Both of those beautiful boxes have been checked and that feels amazing. I'm very proud of what we did in just a year, which is quite daunting.

Also, typically, when you step outside of the therapist’s office, the results do not maintain, things don’t continue. The tools we learned with Irene are very permanent fixtures of our lives, which feels really good. For us, the mindset, the vernacular, the language, are not going anywhere. I am feeling very, very proud of that.

To achieve these results, Naomi and Leon had to overcome some major fears.

LEON: My big fear was opening up emotionally as much as I did. I came at it from the angle of putting off emotions to the side because I did not feel like they're that valid or necessary. As someone who suppressed emotions since I was a young lad because I was not happy with the results of those emotions, it was scary to dredge those up and bring them to the forefront. 

NAOMI: A big fear for me was what if I'm not a sexual person anymore, what if I am asexual? When I stopped being able to orgasm even alone, I started to feel that I'm broken. I had to get over that fear and keep moving.

As a result of this journey …

NAOMI: I’ve become joyous, sensual, patient.

LEON: And I’ve become confident, lover, believer. 

NAOMI: Yes, confident, lover is pretty spot on for Leon.

LEON: For Naomi too, I see her as a mother to be. 

NAOMI: I don't want to completely copy, but I see a father to be, for sure, in Leon. He is an amazing lover and you have a confidence that is so healthy and wholesome and beautiful and powerful and not arrogant. It can be a fine line, but his confidence is a rising tide that raises all ships. 

For the couples who might be hesitant to reach out, this is Leon and Naomi’s last piece of advice:

LEON: I'll give two. 

I'd say the first one is about the financial investment. It’s a lot. But then there is the question to consider: can you put a price on your relationship? The answer is no. And if you can, it's probably the end of your relationship.

I think the other piece is that it's a super flexible process, even though it was within a methodical one for a whole year. One of the things I really appreciate is that Irene invites us to take the things we like, and not worry about the things we don't. That gave us a lot of room to play and find what works for us. You can tailor this experience and that has worked really well for us. We took the reins on what we wanted to do more of and we didn’t really care about or was working for us, and did less of that. 

NAOMI: For me, the advice is: help is out there and you're not alone.

This is, what you're going through feels horrible, especially if you have a lot of history together and you pride yourself in having a good relationship overall. It can feel horrible to acknowledge the truth behind closed doors is that it's falling apart. You might put on airs or act a certain way in public, but privately things are horrible. My advice is — don't ignore it. Don't sweep it under the rug. You’re not special this way, or better put, you're as special as everyone else, because we all go through this.

You're not failing because you're having bad sex and you're fighting all the time. Get help and spend the time and the money. You'll figure it out. If anything, it's a good exercise to figure it out in life. It's a metaphor for the rest of your life.

It’s incredible how many of my girlfriends are in crisis sexually. And I've been extremely open with them about how Leon and I were not having great sex. That was once a month, maybe even less. It always hurt, really painful. When I met Irene, this amazing sex and intimacy coach, we learned so much and now we're having great sex, then I give them Irene’s email. 

Going back to your question though, the advice is that you're not alone. You're not broken and you're not special and feeling that way because this is a sexual crisis across the board. You too can get help. Just do the first consultation. I cried in that first consultation, and it was clear that we have to go with Irene. She knows the stuff, she walks the walk. She knows what she’s talking about.